Mom has alzheimers early stage(?). My Dad passed 7 years ago - since then I have cared for her every need above and beyond. I love her. She has always worried and it is constant now. financially she is set, lives in her own house 2 min from me - I made all this happen.all remodeled and paid for. She recently found that my husband and I have a small loan on my house, her name is still on the deed as well as my Dads-she refused several times to change this-I could not budge her. so we did it w/out her knowledge. Mind you she is financially secure, I care for her and we take care of all bills on my house. She has gone absolutely over the top about this- We are in process of changing the deed now-she finally agreed. she will not speak to me- allows me to take her to the store but ignores me- the hateful accusing things she is saying are killing me. i cry most days. she will not go to talk w/ anyone about this and try to resolve it between us. I am an only child- there is no one else-just me and my husband. she is being so hateful and now wants to revoke the POA- she needs me to do this as she can not handle anything but what will happen when I need this to care for her more? Which will likely be sooner than later she is 77. If I deny her and do not take her to do this she will become more enraged. Advice?
-- Sheri
I do hope you can get third party help to get this done before she implodes. It's taking too large a toll on you and you can't keep it up. She will need more care not less.
She's so frightened and your heart breaks over this, but just think what could happen if she revokes the POA and gives it to some stranger. If nothing else, compromise with her and have the POA turned over to a legal person or trust officer. But, hopefully, you can retain it. Even in the hands of an attorney, you'd need to be very careful about who that person is. Some attorneys are shady, too, so check the person through the state bar association.
Carol
You are definitely at your wits ends and I can see why. That elder care counselor is a burned out, hardened ___ and should get out of that line of work. My SIL ran into the same kind of "stupid" therapist in dealing with her narcissistic/borderline mother. Try to find yourself a therapist for you.
I don't know your mother's history. So, I can't really tell if she is mentally ill or not, but at this point her diagnosis is not as important as getting her the help she needs and getting you the help you need.
Did your dad and you have to endure the same kind of mood swings that you are dealing with now in your mother?
I'll be praying for you.
Your mom definitely needs some kind of medicine for she is loosing touch with reality. Has she been evaluated for incompetency?
I think one thing we must all, including myself, constantly realize that we cannot be responsible for someone's emotions. We can make sure they are safe and cared for, but we can't fix their sick minds, cure their paranoia, control their fearful acts of intimidation which brings us back around to our previous discussion about F.O.G. and Intimidation.
These are difficult times of role reversals for both us adult children and our elderly parents. We can let them drive us crazy, wreck our heath, permanently damage or destroy our marriage or all sorts of other collateral fallout. Or, like parents with a child, we do what we think is best for our aging parent even if they don't like it and complain and we try out best to find out what the best thing to do is. One person has already died for the entire world and he does not call us to crucify ourselves
While a lawyer is important, I think that first you need to find a neutral third party to talk with like a counselor, pastor, etc. You are not going to survive this or have the strength to make some tough decisions unless you do.
How supportive is your husband?
Just letting this go on like this could damage your marriage.
Maybe you need to create some distance between your mother and yourself by hiring a certified caretaker to go your mom's house each day for several hours.
Then, after getting some self-care boundaries in place, I'd look into taking your mother to the same doctor who diagnosed her with alzheimers. Maybe the therapist, etc. can give you some new tools by which to get your mother to cooperate for right now, I can tell that right now, you are walking on eggshells around your mom and it's killing you not her.
Even though you can't go to Fla. to see the atty who wrote up the POA, it might be worthwhile to give the atty a phone call.
Did your mother give you Durable, Medical or both POAs?
I also think naheaton is right on. Don't let what you can't change jeopardize your marriage. My husband was a nervous wreck seeing me cry and rant and rave over my mom. I finally came to my senses and stopped because he means more to me than my hateful mother(who doesn't have alz, she's just hateful!).
My heart goes out to you. You are hurting a lot. And this is hurting your health. I really think you need to get on a different path. Think of yourself and your husband. All you owe your mom is seeing that she's well taken care of. I wish you all the best luck.
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