Mom has alzheimers early stage(?). My Dad passed 7 years ago - since then I have cared for her every need above and beyond. I love her. She has always worried and it is constant now. financially she is set, lives in her own house 2 min from me - I made all this happen.all remodeled and paid for. She recently found that my husband and I have a small loan on my house, her name is still on the deed as well as my Dads-she refused several times to change this-I could not budge her. so we did it w/out her knowledge. Mind you she is financially secure, I care for her and we take care of all bills on my house. She has gone absolutely over the top about this- We are in process of changing the deed now-she finally agreed. she will not speak to me- allows me to take her to the store but ignores me- the hateful accusing things she is saying are killing me. i cry most days. she will not go to talk w/ anyone about this and try to resolve it between us. I am an only child- there is no one else-just me and my husband. she is being so hateful and now wants to revoke the POA- she needs me to do this as she can not handle anything but what will happen when I need this to care for her more? Which will likely be sooner than later she is 77. If I deny her and do not take her to do this she will become more enraged. Advice?
-- Sheri
I understand where your heart is. My mom had Alzheimers. Until she got sick, she was the most kind and loving person you'd ever want to meet. You are in one of the toughest phases right now. I remember it all to well. I promise you peace will come.
While a lawyer is important, I think that first you need to find a neutral third party to talk with like a counselor, pastor, etc. You are not going to survive this or have the strength to make some tough decisions unless you do.
How supportive is your husband?
Just letting this go on like this could damage your marriage.
Maybe you need to create some distance between your mother and yourself by hiring a certified caretaker to go your mom's house each day for several hours.
Then, after getting some self-care boundaries in place, I'd look into taking your mother to the same doctor who diagnosed her with alzheimers. Maybe the therapist, etc. can give you some new tools by which to get your mother to cooperate for right now, I can tell that right now, you are walking on eggshells around your mom and it's killing you not her.
Even though you can't go to Fla. to see the atty who wrote up the POA, it might be worthwhile to give the atty a phone call.
Did your mother give you Durable, Medical or both POAs?
From what you have shared on this thread, another thread and your profile, it sounds to me like your mother has had some mental/emotional issues for years that your dad tried to handle on his own while raising you and doing everything else for the family.
IMHO She's not afraid of you. She's afraid of loosing control of you and you can help her without allowing her to control you. Your health has already been damaged from your dad's decline and moving your mother from Florida. Please, don't let this situation consume the rest of your health at your age.
I am glad taking a few days off for yourself was good for you, although I'm not surprised it has not really helped mom, but that is mom's problem. She really needs to deal with her own emotions instead of expecting people to fix them or walk on eggshells around them.
She's hyper controlling either out of fear or out of a narcissistic/borderline personality since it sounds like she's been that way before she got older. Two books come to mind that might help both you and your husband. Stop Walking on Eggshells and the Workbook for Stop Walking on Egghsells which I like better than the first one and it's more immediately applicable.
You might need to do some more searching by asking around to find a better therapist. You probably need to inquire about the person's area of expertise and I'd look for someone who does therapy with victims of abuse which in my opinion you are directly and your husband is indirectly. My personal preference is to find a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for a therapist.
Pastors generally do not have the training or time to deal with this intense a problem.
Yes, it's hurting your marriage which I understand. I've been there myself. He very likely feels abandoned and that you are not fully present when you are with him because your so enmeshed into your mom and her emotions. He probably also wishes there was a way that he could defend you from this abuse and feels frustrated that there's not much he can do, but probably wishes you'd just cut her off so that he could have his wife back.
There aren't any easy answers in this type of situation. If I've gone way off base in my 'arm chair psychologizing" then I apologize.
I also think naheaton is right on. Don't let what you can't change jeopardize your marriage. My husband was a nervous wreck seeing me cry and rant and rave over my mom. I finally came to my senses and stopped because he means more to me than my hateful mother(who doesn't have alz, she's just hateful!).
My heart goes out to you. You are hurting a lot. And this is hurting your health. I really think you need to get on a different path. Think of yourself and your husband. All you owe your mom is seeing that she's well taken care of. I wish you all the best luck.
You are definitely at your wits ends and I can see why. That elder care counselor is a burned out, hardened ___ and should get out of that line of work. My SIL ran into the same kind of "stupid" therapist in dealing with her narcissistic/borderline mother. Try to find yourself a therapist for you.
I don't know your mother's history. So, I can't really tell if she is mentally ill or not, but at this point her diagnosis is not as important as getting her the help she needs and getting you the help you need.
Did your dad and you have to endure the same kind of mood swings that you are dealing with now in your mother?
I'll be praying for you.
It's all part of that don't talk, don't feel, don't trust co-dependent control mentality which tries to keep painful stuff like this locked up among a few to keep other people from seeing when other people are having to deal with it too. Basically, we all want our families to appear on the outside to be like Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, and Mayberry, RFD which like the Norman Rockwell painting is not realistic.
Good luck in the next adventure and I'll be watching for your posts.
Foxyscharm ( previous comment_ you really need to get some help with that situation, I am not a professional but see that is a horrible situation- do not give up.. call social services, senior legal help or whomever you need to.
So today Mom and I went to meet with an attorney whom has done real estate closings ect in the past for my family - so she "trusts" him though til today she had never spoken to or met him... The 1 hr drive up was not so pleasant, she will have not really have conversation with me,answers my attempts with the shortest possible answer. As I had given the attny all the pertinent info and told him about her alz. and my concerns, he was aware. He was great- spoke directly to mom, listened to her questions, caught on that she was not understanding and tried to simplify things so she would understand, but at the same time looked directly at me and let me know when something was crucial for me. She was a different person!!! listened, laughed at some small jokes, and when she did not grasp something looked to me to explain or ask him the question she was trying to ask and on several occasions told the attny"she is better at this sort of thing than I am". I thought it went very well-her fears put at rest and we knew exactly what needed to be done, what I had told her had been verified by the expert. All Good right? NO. As we got into the car I stated - I feel better and now we know just what to do and no worries- no response- she would not go to lunch or stop at any of her favorite spots. would not talk for the hour ride home -just short answers. got to her house went in and she dismissed me. i asked her to go to church sunday- she said no and got very angry-said she does not pray anymore. said I have caused something to die inside her, and it went on- I tried to reason w/ her told her I love her and miss her and have done all I can ect- she said I had done things for her and taken care of her like no one ever had- but it was gone now. I tild her how much i also am hurting and how can we get past this- she said she can not. so... is this just meanness or is this typical alz??? I was doing well but feel crushed again.
But, it's funny to picture you as purple. But someone with Alz could! LOL
I do hope you can get third party help to get this done before she implodes. It's taking too large a toll on you and you can't keep it up. She will need more care not less.
She's so frightened and your heart breaks over this, but just think what could happen if she revokes the POA and gives it to some stranger. If nothing else, compromise with her and have the POA turned over to a legal person or trust officer. But, hopefully, you can retain it. Even in the hands of an attorney, you'd need to be very careful about who that person is. Some attorneys are shady, too, so check the person through the state bar association.
Carol