Mom is angry and wants to revoke POA. I am the only child. What should I do?

Yes I believe it is becoming a competency issue- however I am too fearful to take the legal steps to follow through on that, yes I know she is already mad -and eventually I may have to but that would just be unbearably awful right now I would not live thru that.. She actually has not mentioned the POA recently. And I think now I honestly don't care. We were at the attorney regarding the title on my home -to have it turned over to me and out of her and my deceased fathers names-That went pretty well- she did not really get it though. I left the room to give her the opportunity to ask him anything she wanted in private, she did not. He did touch on the subject of her house and estates, tax implicationspossibilities of trusts ect- she did not want to hear any of that so we moved away from that. I had advised him that even though that may make some financial sense- i di dnot want to push anything. If she calls this attny- which she likely would- I am confident he will at least let me know what is up- I trust him. So for the last 2 days I have been very ill -diverticulitis- no doubt from this stress. I try to let it roll off and deal with her as advised, regarding the alz. but it is so so hard when she seems herself one minute, seems she is "normal" I try to reason with her which gets me nowhere but upset. Looking back- the cold shoulder has been her way of punishing- forever. though the hatefulness seems new. Looking back also over the past 7 years-when Dad was so ill, when I "helped "her move and "helped" her pack the house ,sell it and all that- she always got mad at me and did the silent treatment-drove 3 days from florida with her not talking to me...but I knew I was doing the right thing so I was strong. But the new hatefullness, suspicions ect- are killing me- I read somewhere- A sick mind does not realize it is a sick mind. So I will try to just let her be, make sure she is safe and has all she needs, let her be miserable and mad at me. I hope this will pass. She can not connect the dots- but sure thinks she can.The story about the glasses - seems funny- I would turn purple to have that be her only concern! But I realize that is so frustrating also to have to go over and over the same things!I wish I had a crystal ball with a timeline of this! To know how long this stage will last at least I could see the light at the end...but I fear it will go on forever! Then I feel guilty for wishing this to progress- to the "easier" stage as I know that leads to the next very sad stage. Thank you everyone for your help and support advice and suggestions- it is the only thing keeping me sane here!

Karenia,

a competency issue! It is

I'm very sad for our painful this whole experience is and I hope you can find someone to talk about this burden of guilt which sounds like a concrete yoke around your neck.

A sick mind does not know it is sick and sometimes even after being diagnosed does not want to accept that it is sick. However, others can see that it is sick.

Last May, it looked like my mother was going to get talked into a wrong business decision. I quickly got in touch with a lawyer where she lives. He advised me to have her doctors evaluate her competency for we might need to go the direction of guardianship for her which mom's stated wishes in the POA was that I be her guardian if this was needed.

The lawyer wanted these evaluations notarized. I faxed her neurologist this situation and said I wanted her to see him for a competency evaluation. The neurologist is the one doctor that my mother has trusted and kept over the years. He gave her the competency test and she flunked. The clinic he works in has a notary and thus that was no issue. It was sad to see that my mother could not begin to write a short sentence, but that let me know that she was not able to sign her name on a document giving that person a loan. The nursing home doctor provided us with a notarized statement as well.

I kept the originals with me but gave a copy of them to the nursing home for my mother's file. I let the person know who was trying to get a loan from my mother to back off and it would be best for them if they just let it go.

Our lawyer talked with some of his senior partners and they told him that with these notarized statements of incompetency from those two doctors along with my POAs that I had my mother as protected as having guardianship would for I would still have to take that person to court. I don't know how valid that advice was but I've not had any problems since.

I'm deeply concerned that your situation may well be beyond this as suspicious and fearful as your mother is. As you said, this is killing you. At some point, and maybe sooner than you think, you just may have to get her involuntarily committed to the hospital for a full physical and psychological evaluation. Does she ever say anything like she wishes she was dead or you were dead? If so, then I think she is a danger to herself or to you.

Karenia,

Read back over your post and see how much F.O.G is controlling your thinking and behavior.

F. Fear "I am too fearful"
"I had a crystal ball with a time line of this! To know how long this stage will last at least I could see the light at the end...but I fear it will go on forever! "

O. Obligation "I would not live thru that"
"when I "helped "her move and "helped" her pack the house ,sell it and all that-"
""I had a crystal ball with a time line of this! To know how long this stage will last at least "


G. Guilt "that would just be unbearably awful right now"
"Then I feel guilty for wishing this to progress- to the "easier" stage as I know that leads to the next very sad stage. "

----------------------------------------
an incredibly thick F.O.G., It is ! immobilize and blind you, It can!
-----------------------------------------

"And I think now I honestly don't care."

You are burned out. I think you still care, but this is already killing you and breaking your heart's ability to carry this emotionally anymore.

"So I will try to just let her be, make sure she is safe and has all she needs, let her be miserable and mad at me."

This really recognizes that you can't be responsible for her emotions, can't fix her sick mind or control her sick mind! The tough part is sticking with this outlook which creates a healthy boundary between you and her.

conflict within your own heart, I see. to be controlled by her F.O.G. or not, The question is.

This is such a difficult topic that I hope my added Yoda type talk from Star Wars helps add some comic relief.

To be honest crowemagnum...........maybe it's me, but I don't get it.

I don't think it's becoming a competency issue. I think it already is one.

It sounds to me like Karenia has reached a major turning point, but there is a huge battle on the inside between her mother's use of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, i.e. F.O.G and the total burnout she's apparently feeling. I was trying to show which statements of emotions fit, in my opinion, under each part of F.O.G.

I think this has escalated to the point where it's killing Karenia and really calls for her mother to have some professionals evaluate her physical and mental state and then make appropriate recommendations.

I'd like to add to F. O. G., an I, for Intimidation.

As a loving firstborn daughter, and caregiver, I have unknowingly been operating under these very same principles. Fear of not doing something, and may will happen to my loved ones if I don't, fear of the legalilities involved (lawyers, court, etc.), fear of mom and dad's "disapproval," even though attorneys and other professionals told me what I was doing was right. Obligation by my folks, siblings, other relatives, friends, and society in general (saying a daughter "should" care for her loved ones, or that I somehow "volunteered" for this). Fear and obligation by the courts who expect us to work for our parents without compensation, while they take lots of ours and our loved one's $$ for their services, and continually work against caregivers. Then, FALSE guilt, as if a caregiver has somehow done something wrong, even after we do step up to the plate and begin caring for our loved ones. Our relatives (parents, siblings, and peripheral relatives) heap additional unrealistic demands and expectations upon us, then accuse us of being whiners, without lifting a finger to help. Or they accuse us of gold digging if we ask for reimbursement for our time and out-of-pocket expenses, loss of jobs, freedom, etc., as if we somehow "owe" not only our loved ones, but them as well!

And should we complain, or not perform to the hidden agendas and expectations of all the above, they add to F.O.G. an I: INTIMIDATION!!! This includes threats of losing our inheritance, reputation, compensation, and personal rights. The courts say, "We must PROTECT their ward, or the elderly...etc."

I've asked this before, and I ask you all again: Who is protecting the caregiver? And what can we do about it?

I know why we suffer stress, rejection, burnout, isolation, and abuse! And so does each caregiver who comes to post here. Where is our help? Who is meeting our needs? And at who's cost? For all the Governmental agencies out there, designed to help our loved ones and ourselves, tell me who is getting the help they need?

Grant it, I am thankful for Social Services, Medicaid and Nursing Homes. But these often fall short of meeting both the needs of our loved ones and ourselves. Day Care programs are limited, and so are programs which provide in-home care. If there are any success stories out there, some of us would love to hear about them! But mostly all we hear about is the suffering of caregivers, trying to please the various entities, and struggling to make it work.

As I've also said before, you are the heroes! You are angels in disguise! And I thank my fellow caregivers for your encouragement and support! But the bottom line is this: who's supporting those of us who are trying to be supportive to each other? Who is relieving our burdens and helping to carry the load? Am I my mother and father's keeper? Why not my sister? And while I'm caring for my parents, who is caring for my child? The system stinks! And you all know, we don't have the energy or expertise or resources to fight or change it, do we? Where does our help come from? Even this site is just a dumping ground for venting, but not for changing anything. We're told to "suck it up, shut up," and worse. Where are our reinforcements coming from?

Thank you for reading my vent. It doesn't really change anything, does it? And we certainly can't look to Washington to help (look at the mess they're in)! I tire of all the corruption and abuse, as if I've somehow "asked for it." Most of the caregivers here, have done so out of F.O.G. and I. I'm proud of you, because I can relate. I only wish I knew what to do to help us both. Talking about it only goes so far (though I appreciate all your kind words, and hugs, and the wonderful friendships I have found along the way)! Without you, I'd be doing much worse. God bless you all!

SecretSister,

Yes, it is great that we can vent safely and freely here. Wow, you have written a powerful and very articulate article! I wish there was more that we could practically do for each other, but at least we can support each other here.

Crowemagnum- I get it...I am in a deep deep FOG and your wisdom helps. Secret Sister- You are so right- where is our help, compensation ect? It does seem that so many, family,profesionals just say-"Suck it Up". some have said to me - think of the years she cared for you as a child- I do- and I am trying. I have not even touched on here the financial burdens caring for mom has brought me and my husband. It is substancial to us...she does not aknowledge this at all- has her money, house, income and is set. If I ever ask for anything-whoa- you would think I just asked for her last nickel. She does add the I -intimidation to the FOG. When I do insist something happens-such as a repair on the house or other small thing - she later gets angry and says she had no choice in the matter.
Competency- I simply can not do this now,no way no how. She would go absolutely ballistic- I believe this is reason she will not go to the doctor- as of now she has all her prescriptions ect is due for her yearly but will not go. I am not going to force this, If she needs to go to the Dr. for any reason I will take her asap. I would rather just let her be,make sure she is up and about, monitor her actions best I can. I know I will have to do this in the future probably near future- Iam selfishly hoping she "slips " abit more and may not care or realize when the time comes.
I feel stronger today...I have not seen or talked w/ mom since friday...when I do have to go see her or talk w/ her... I start to feel physically ill so I am tryingto stay away- yet make sure she is ok. This is breaking my heart.
Thank you Thank you for this forum and all the support!!!!

Now I've got it!

Karenia, I hear you about secret wishes, as I have a few of my own. Can't disclose those publically, though. I can also relate to feeling physically ill around my "abuser." I recognized the anxiety just thinking about visiting her was causing me, sometime back. The only cure for that has been distance. And the more the better as far as I'm concerned! I quit answering phone calls back in December. She calls, but will not leave a message. Bummer. Guess it wasn't much important, after all...

Now, to F.O.G. and I., shall we add to caregiving a C.? Hmmmmmm...Don't wait for your Physician, but adopt the new Caregiver's Personally-witnessed Standard!

Pamela, Yeah for you!

karenia,

For your mom to finally agree to get her house repaired and then get mad because she says she was forced into it sounds like she knows exactly the intimidation game she is playing with you. It would be very tempting to just mater of factly say "well yes, you were forced into it because if the heater were not fixed you would freeze one of these night or if the pipes were not fixed your water bill would go unreasonably high or if you did not have your heating/cooling unit serviced regularly it would not work right and might have a more expensive repair bill by something being discovered earlier (which happened to me this year). " However, since her mind is sick this kind of reasoning would not work. In a since, she did not have any choice in the matter because fixing your house is part of owning and living in a house. I wonder what her response would be if you said 'well, you are right you really didn't have a choice' and drop it at that without any explaination?

You're right about arguing with a sick mind, ~it's useless! Doesn't matter what is said. Reasonable people respond reasonably. The people we're talking about can't. We just do the best we can...

Lately, I expect the worst, but hope for the best. Depending on the moment, we get somewhere in between.

Oh my, I so understand what you are going through. My Mother is going to be 90 this month. I am the only child, and she's been paranoid in a similar way for at least the last 20 years-(not that I have lived with her until recently)convinced I am going to throw her out of the house, which I own, take all her money, that I steal her things etc. In addition she is ANGRY and hateful toward me. She has been counselled to take care of her affairs but will not appoint a POA-though at some time she made me POA on her checking account. I don't think she even knows this anymore and I don't want to remind her because she will find a way (even in her diminished capacity) to revoke it-and then what would I do if something were to happen to her?
She is just together enough when it comes to money to "seem" quite sane to others. Nobody knows what life is like with her and I'm at the end of my rope. I want to be there for her, but her nastiness and paranoia are diminishing my life severely---and no-she won't take any meds which would help her mental capacity. Basically the Doctor has told me to just leave her alone and let the chips fall where they may and then call in Adult Protective Services.....how can I do that? She's my Mother for heavens sake....

nins, sorry for all you're going through. I understand your struggle. Will keep you in prayer.

nins,My mother started out accusing me of stealing her shoes( she had hidden them under the bed) ,stealing her clothes and even stealing her cat food! Now she believes alady and her baby live in her spare bedroom, so we can't go in there or the baby pees on the floor. Oh yeah, the guys in her basement wear hats and come upstairs and steal her undies. But,no, she doesn't need any medication, she is PERFECTLY fine. And my lawyer I retained to get guardianship told me maybe I should just leave her alone. He was promptly fired. They are are mothers,we can't let them waste away without helping them. Good Luck.

foxyscharm,

Your mom definitely needs some kind of medicine for she is loosing touch with reality. Has she been evaluated for incompetency?

I think one thing we must all, including myself, constantly realize that we cannot be responsible for someone's emotions. We can make sure they are safe and cared for, but we can't fix their sick minds, cure their paranoia, control their fearful acts of intimidation which brings us back around to our previous discussion about F.O.G. and Intimidation.

These are difficult times of role reversals for both us adult children and our elderly parents. We can let them drive us crazy, wreck our heath, permanently damage or destroy our marriage or all sorts of other collateral fallout. Or, like parents with a child, we do what we think is best for our aging parent even if they don't like it and complain and we try out best to find out what the best thing to do is. One person has already died for the entire world and he does not call us to crucify ourselves

foxycharm- That is so scary that a legal professional would give you such advice. That is something I have dealt with also- we turn to pro's for help and advice assuming they know what they are doing and acting in everyones best interest, but not always the case -you have to be careful even there-crowemagnum gave me some sdvice here on that earlier.
Crowemagnum- you are so right about the intimidation- and she knows she is doing it. Weeks ago when I was in a really bad state emotionally over moms anger and meaness toward me- I mentioned to her how much I worry, that I drive by in the morning to see that she has taken in her newspaper to know she is ok. yesterday I see a notice -she canceled her newspaper 2 days after I told her that! I am not going to mention this to her, that i know. I do not understand the reasoning behind that-but I can not possibly know how she is thinking now, trying to stay on that course- I can only make sure she is safe and cared for...repeat...repeat!
So another thing I just realized in the last few days...I surprised Mom w/ a ticket to go visit her brother in Oct/nov. Mail just came from the hospital up there -Mom was in the hospital overnight while she was there and NO ONE told me!! It most likely was for an intestinal problem she has had since surgery years ago- goes to Hosp every 6 months or so with problems from adhesions. I can see her telling them not to tell me as I would worry(this was before she turned into someone else)However her brother still should have notified me! He is in denial also thinks she is fine...that is another story. But here is the thing- When she came home after 2 weeks there- I noticed her speech was slurred, very slight but I kept noticing it, I asked her about it- she said she felt fine and was not slurring, I paid attention and after a week or so it stopped. so I never thought more about it. I now realize that may have been signs of a ministroke?? I have not noticed it again tho I used to be with her everyday for several hours-now it is only a few days aweek briefly at her request. Could this have been a ministroke? would this account for her becoming so angry and more reclusive and all these other problems? Yesterday she was speaking about some of her neighbors and was getting the names totaly wrong- beginingwith the same letter but another name- i did not correct her to see if she caught it or changed it-she did not. What do you think?
I am feeling Ok- as she requests-leaving her alone but cking on her w/out her knowing. I still get all worked up and anxious when i do have to go see her or take her to the store-she still hates me.

Kerenia, I can relate to so much of this, and feel for you. What can you do to relieve some of your anxiety? To that end, I will be praying for you, and your mother, too.

Hello All- Wanted to update- I am feeling some better. Mom is still mean and angry. Her staying that way and staying in the house all day everyday is having a big toll on her health- I can see it, she is declining and it breaks my heart. But she will not go anywhere w/ me other than the grocery store. She needs a haircut but will not allow me to make appointment-says she can not afford it-which is completely ridiculous. I think that is meant to be some sort of manipulation on me-but I do not play into it-just say OK let me know when you change your mind. I try to remember I can not control her emotions-just be sure she is safe, has all she needs. I still get pangs of anxiety when I call her or go over, I have again begun to call her each day just to say Hi and see if she needs anything. She is cold- but I tell her to call me if she needs me and that I love her- she responds "umhmm goodbye". I am leaving for 2 weeks to go see my husband. I have taken her to the store, let her know I will be going so she stocked up -I have arranged for a friend to bring her milk and perishables for the time I am gone. She had an absolute fit over that..but Crowemagnum- your advice was good- I calmly told her well sorry it is done and no you did not have a choice in that,.
It is for my mental well being as well as you well being. Done. I have a trusted next door neighbor on call to let me know if anything seems wrong-or if i need them to ck on her. So I can not believe it has been 8 weeks since all heck broke loose- I was in such a state it went by like a fog. Thankfully I found this site and the support ,information available here. I am coming to grips with how advanced she is in this disease, I had no idea. This site and the people on it have gotten me through. I will keep you posted.......

karenia,

You have made a lot of progress!!! You have set up your boundaries; spoken calmly and matter of factly with your mother; as well as set up reasonable support for her while you take a two week break with your husband. Just getting out of "dodge" will create some emotional release by geography alone.

I hope you and your husband have a great Valentines! You and your husband deserve to celebrate Valentines as if it lasted for two whole weeks!!!!!

I agree with all of the above. I have been where you are and gone through something similar. All I can say is do your best and chuck the rest. By the time my mom passed away I was in bed for two solid weeks from sheer exhaustion in every way, physical, emotional and mental. My heart goes out to you. Cry when you need to, scream when you can, pray like crazy and for goodness sake take a break, plenty of breaks. I also attended Co-dependence Anonymous, which helped tremendously. Talk to the doctor and the attorney, hold your head up and be proud. Your are amazing and also just a woman, not a nurse, not a social worker, just a woman.