My parents are in their late 80s and living independently, with my help. I am retired and able to help. Just in the last couple of months, mom is changing. She is very forgetful, moody and explosive. She will tell the same story three times in an hour. She gets very angry and blows up. This is not like her. She is quite depressed and finally talked to her doctor about it. She went on Zoloft about a month ago but now she is getting panic attacks. She has the right to be depressed. Dad has a number of medical issues and needs around-the-clock care. He is in Hospice so they have some help but she won't take much help from me. I come in every day and help as much as I can but she won't let me do too much. I do all the driving, most cooking, shopping, driving making appointments etc. But mom is a perfectionist and feels so much pressure to take care of everything. She has spoiled dad his whole life so he asks for so much, in addition to what he needs. And what he needs is a lot. He falls and can't walk around, so we wait on him hand a foot. His vision is bad too and is always dropping food and spilling drinks. Plus, he is a very selfish pain in the ass. Everything has to be about him. We are all frustrated with him. I have a brother but he doesn't do much.
This sudden decline is alarming. Mom has always taken care of everything with them. The finances, managing the home, taxes, etc. My husband I can take this over but it is the last thing she wants. We need to do this before she completely loses it. I am not sure what to do for her medically. Where do I start? She is so touchy about this issue. I fear even bringing it up. She will be devastated. She and I have always been so close and I fear she will feel betrayed.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
First off , they are not living “independently “. They are living at home but they are not independent . This is what all the elderly say when they have their kids doing a lot for them . You are helping to prop up a false independence .
I would tell Mom she needs to go to the primary care doctor to get checked for UTI. This could cause sudden change , decline or worsening in mood in the elderly. Hopefully the doctor will order some blood work too , to rule out other medical issues . Some of these issues can cause cognitive changes that mimic dementia .
Also do you have POA so you can take over the finances ? Take Mom to get that drawn up at the lawyer before she gets worse .
Many elderly refuse cognitive testing . Some people say to tell them it’s a Medicare check up and don’t tell them they are having cognitive testing or that they may have dementia . Many with dementia will deny it . It’s often better to not even tell them in your mother’s advanced age because not much can be done and to talk about it just upsets them . Usually an antidepressant which she already has and perhaps some med to relax her . You can always tell her it’s to help relax her so she can sleep better . Good luck , let us know how it is going . If you don’t think Mom and Dad are safe home alone you will want to hire help for when you aren’t there if you haven’t already done so . Use your parents money , not yours .
The best thing would be for both to be in a care facility. Your worries about how mom will feel betrayed may be real but aren’t valid. It isn’t betrayal to make sure that your beloved parents have the professional care they need. Betrayal would be if you didn’t do what is best for them.
Despite the fact that some people think that aging in place can be successfully accomplished by everyone, it simply isn’t feasible in certain circumstances.
Have you been in touch with Council on Aging? You can schedule an assessment of your mother’s needs. Your father’s situation sounds especially difficult to deal with.
Look at all of the factors in this situation and see what resources are available for you to utilize. Don’t even attempt to continue to care for your parents on your own.
Look into facilities so you can go back into being their daughter. You’re not abandoning them. You are doing what is best for them. You will be a great advocate for your parents.
Their needs are going to increase and you will find yourself being overwhelmed if you don’t start planning for their future care.
I don’t feel like this is a ‘wait and see’ type of thing. It’s better to be prepared than to end up being caught off guard and not knowing where to turn.
If you're retired, I'm going to assume that you aren't exactly a spring chicken.
I want you to look down the road a bit.
What is going to happen to this house of cards when you or your husband gets diagnosed with a serious illness?
If mom is experiencing a change of mental status, she needs to be seen by her doc, or at urgent care.
If she started a new med and developed panic attacks, the prescribing doc needs to know.
We have an expression here...she gets mad?
So what?
Sometimes being an adult includes angering your parent. You need to take action now.
"Mom, we're going to urgent care to get you checked out for a UTI. Get your purse". Start there and let us know the results. We care
Don't let your mom's fear stop you from getting her help. She will not get better by ignoring her symptoms. Things will get worse. Sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable. Remember you are trying to help them.
So get her an appointment with her doctor and a referral to a neurologist. Do not wait. We tried everything and my mom got worse. They were in a dangerous situation. It ended with them both in a nursing home. Are they happy, well, my mom isn't but they are finally safe. If my mom had been diagnosed sooner, I think she might have been able to stay in her home longer but they would only do what they wanted to do. They would not accept help into their home easily and as my mom fell further into dementia, my dad refused to accept it. They supported each others denial of facts and they ended up exactly where they did not want to be.
Was it hard, yes it was. Is it still hard, yes it is. Do I regret things, yes I do. Can I change things now, no I cannot. I can love them and try my best to make sure they have whatever they need or want. Can I take them into my home and care for them? No, it is too late. Could they have chosen a different path? Yes, but they chose not to. Don't beat yourself up. You can offer them options. Find out what senior communities are near you and visit them. Try and make your parents realize that life is changing and they will have to change to. You cannot fix this. All you can do is help them see they have options and make clear that life as they know it has changed, forever. It is time to face the future and you will be there to help.
This is a great website. People care, I send you love and hope for a better future for your parents. I know it is hard but ignoring it just makes it worse, and it makes them less safe.
This would give mom a break.
If she is resistant to the Respite stay maybe talk to the nurse about telling your mom that it is for "pain and symptom management" this is another reason that they would place a Hospice patient in an In Patient Unit.
I am sure the Nurse, CNA and Social Worker all see the stress that mom is under and they also might agree that this would help mom as well.
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