Mon yells and screams about how the world is going to hell in a hand basket and nobody cares. She is very religious (christain faith) and does not like that religion has been put on the back burner instead of practiced. Accuses me of not caring about it, tells me I do not believe in Jesus Christ, etc. Mom cannot talk about anything except for politics and religion and cannot talk in a normal tone of voice - she has to yell/ scream and then accuse me of not caring when I don't want to here it when she is yelling/screaming. I am at my wits end as to how to deal with her. She lives with me due to her cancer diagnosis. If I ignore her outburst she gets worse, if I engage her by asking her to calm down, she gets mad...everyday there is an argument between us and I am so exhausted from feeling like I am walking on eggshells in my own home. Mom refuses to take meds for her anxiety/mood swings/depression and refuses to get help to help her manage her feelings. What would you do in my situation?
Good luck!!! It's very tough.
She doesn't even give her helper a break either. I would say that out of 5 days, 3 of them consist of the morning starting out with her complaining about her phone, moving her conversation to the past (her life) to the political & religious rants.
She we call everyone stupid, ignorant, etc.
I know that the time is coming and my brother and I will have to be placing her
The world is no better nor worse than it has been in the past--we're human and we're stupid and we make the same mistakes over and over.
I personally cannot STAND talk of politics or religion. My kids have all left the faith in which they were raised and want to argue with me as to why I should also leave this beautiful faith I love.
I just tell them "I won't talk about this with you. I love you and I want to keep loving you." If they persist, I leave, going so far as to leave family dinners and outings.
One thing that having cancer teaches you: Don't waste your precious time on earth battling anybody over anything. I have less than 20 years, I imagine and I am NOT spending that fighting my loved ones.
I will walk away from my mom, too. Have done so frequently. She forgets within minutes.
You can walk away.
You can put in earbuds and listen to music and when she talks at you, don't remove the earbuds, just point to them and gesture that you can't hear her, then walk away.
Or, just walk away without any explanation, into another room or somewhere she can't enter.
If she has cognitive issues, you can talk to her doctor about meds for agitation. You WILL NOT be able to "teach" her to be any different since she's actively losing her abilities of reason and logic.
My mom is 93. Although she doesn't scream it, she talks politics in a negative way all the time. I used to lecture her, but now we all just ignore it and start a whole new topic, or I turn to her and say, "Do you know how LUCKY you are to live next door to your daughter and see your grand- and great-grand kids every week?" Sometimes it helps me to help her count her blessings with her.
Sometimes I show her funny animal videos on YouTube -- anything to distract her and stop the negativity, which is just exhausting and pointless.
I am so tired of every morning starting out the same way
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
I can't believe that twice in 24 hours I -- an atheist -- am recommending someone learn The Serenity Prayer, but there you go.
Yes, times are hard and frightening. But an elder with dementia & cancer should NOT be focusing on such matters at all. Which is why medication is necessary for your mother if her religious beliefs are not going to give her the comfort she's looking for right now, via the bible or whatever. My mother was famous for saying she was a 'good Catholic' but never ever relying on God to help her through ANY crisis or fear she faced. I gave her rosary beads to help her get into prayer, nope. Books, a bible, nope. She just chose to live in fear all the time, even before the dementia set in, but once the dementia came into play, forget about it........then NO amount of logic or reason could possibly penetrate her mind and get through to her. Nothing worked. Except the fact that she lived in Memory Care AL and I could leave when she got too wound up. That and Ativan.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Please remember that YOUR life is important too. You are allowed to have peace and relaxation yourself; it should not be 24/7 about your mother and her issues.
I have already told her that I am not going to spend my retirement years arguing with her or listen to her continuous rants.
She is on meds.
I would sit Mom down and tell her that what she listens to, watches and etc is up to her. What she believes is up to her, and is best kept private to herself. I would tell her that her being able to continue to live with you in your home is DEPENDENT entirely on how much peace and joy and the love of life she can bring to the home. That you will insist on her moving into care if she continues on.
Much of how THAT goes over is dependent on whether Mom has entered the time of the loss of all inhibitions and control. If that is so, then the move is in order sooner than later. She has refused medications and all else you have suggested that might help, and there is no reason your own life should be sacrificed onto the altar of her angers.
To be frank (and you NEED TO BE AT THIS POINT) Mom has had her life. This is yours. Embrace it, and let Mom know that you won't let people into your life who don't keep it pleasant.
Period and full stop. People intent on making of each day a ruination should be kept farther away than an arms length.
I feel that she sometimes says things on purpose to get a reaction. Sometimes she gets one, sometimes her comments are ignored and I go about my own business.
You can not reason with a broken brain but, you can open the Bible and read out loud to her and tell her that you don't worry or fret because you believe that all things are in God's control and according to HIS plan.
She is right, the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Try to give her The Word of God to help her not feel so frightened.
If you are not able to do this, perhaps you can set her up with a tablet. Alexander Scourby's audio Bible is on utube in it's entirety. She could listen to that.
Your mother is scared, frightened. She's not the only one. And she has a legitimate and well founded right to be scared and frightened.
As Barb suggests, agree with her. She's probably more knowledgeable on world dynamics anyway.
I think that ignoring her, blocking news access and other suggestions might work in some situations, but this is a woman who has probably seen more of life's challenges than many people, especially those generations in adulthood now.
Just to consider her perspective:
How many of you have had to ride share rides to shop, and switch food stamps to get what you need for your household? How many of you have lived on rations? How many of you have worried about family members fighting in another theatre elsewhere in the world? How many of you have confidence in the government, regardless of the dominant party?
Are any of you of Lithuanian, Polish, Jewish descent? Or descended from families who lived in Europe during WWII? Did any member of your family flee from Europe during either WW?
If you've ever listened to their tales, their fears, their anxieties, and the instability of life then, you might see pass the issue of control and recognize that older people understand these threats, while many of the younger folk don't, and perhaps never will.
If someone really wants insight into this woman's fears, as well as those of others, start reading more about WWII. There are multiple novels written by survivors and/or their families about the terrors they faced. It puts life in perspective.
I'm of the opinion that discussing one aspect at a time with the OP's mother could work for both of them, if the OP is willing to try.
As long as you agree with everything she says, she is fine. And then, if you do keep agreeing with her, she will still find something to complain about.
She has gotten to the point now that she will get mad because I am "so calm" instead of letting world issues run my life like they run herr
I agree, you need to block the news channels. It just increases her anxiety which is not good for her. The news makes mountains out of mole hills anyway. Everything is so dramatic. I don't even watch it. At 72 there is nothing I can do. Its what it is.
Burnt may seem a little harsh but I admire her for standing up to a parent. Respect goes both ways. You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. You are an adult not your parents little girl. Mom has a right to her opinion and you have a right not to listen to it.
I am not harsh. I do not tolerate abuse nor do I give any.
A caregiver who works for the elderly has to learn how to ignore. If they don't, the caregiving situation can very easily become one that's high-risk for abuse.
I do not play games either. I did well in this line of work because I know how to give a person what they need. That isn't always what they want.
-DO NOT ENGAGE her! For a while she will double-down on her attempts to get you to fight with her about something. Learn the following response and repeat it as often as you have to:
There's nothing I can do about it and I will not discuss it with you.
Then walk away. When she sees that she will get absolutely ZERO attention from you and that you completely ignore her (and I mean totally ignore like she isn't even there), she will stop.
It will be hard for you to do this, but you must.
- She has to be limited as to how many hours a day she's allowed to watch cable news channels or talk news shows. If you have to put parental locks on these channels, do so. It's your house. You do not have to tolerate cable news with the gloom and doom 24 hours a day. Tell her that cable news and talk news shows are no longer allowed in your house.Or they will be restricted to a limited amount of time per day. If she wants to remain living in your house then she will have to learn to live with a restricted amount of cable news or talk news shows.
My mother tries to pull the BS on me that I do not believe in Jesus Christ and that I'm evil.
I tell her that she forgets I'm Jewish. The 52" high-def tv she enjoys with the premium cable package that has all the channels is paid for by her VERY Jewish former son-in-law who I've reconciled with.
She's hated him for more than 20 years yet he's never been anything but the very picture of kindness, generosity, and respect towards her. She even tries to engage him in some of the fighting and gets nowhere.
Take away some of the cable news and talk news. You'll be doing your mother and yourself a favor.
I have done the "ignore" route, that just pisses her off more and she will continue.
If I were to put parental block times on her TV she will yell and scream until I remove the block.
She is a piece of work, seriously!!
In your profile you say she has Alzheimer's/dementia.
2 things.
If she has dementia you can not reason with her.
Ask her doctor about medication to calm the anxiety.
If she has dementia, block the news stations she generally watches. Use some sort of reasoning that the cable service is down.
With the dementia you can not argue with her, you also can not have a normal conversation. So don't try. Change the subject, wear headphones or earbuds, earplugs, anything to quiet her rants.
Also look for some Adult Day programs so that she gets a break and you do as well.
IF the reason she is living with you is that she has cancer and is cognizant then you can tell her that you will leave the room is she can not carry on a conversation in a normal manner. If she starts in stop whatever you are doing and leave the room. (as long as it is safe to do so)
Again if she is cognizant you can tell her that is this continues she will have to find another place to live. You can schedule tours of Assisted Living places for the following day.
There's nothing I can do about it and I will not discuss it with you.
I usually have to say this throughout the day.
Then I walk away and completely ignore her like she isn't even there.
Regardless of what you do she will continue to get worse; this is no way to live.
The ball is in your court.
She lives there only if she gets help. Otherwise she needs to reside elsewhere.
Have you ever tried agreeing with her, i.e., "yes, mom, things are terrible. I can't see how this will end well. Maybe the US will need to invade. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."
Then leave the room.