Mom living alone with dementia. Is it ok?

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Mom living alone with dementia. Is it ok?

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Mom lives alone and has moderate dementia. I live one street over. I work full time and have someone to come three hours a day for companionship, to feed her lunch and do some light cleaning. I am there three to four times a day. She is able to use her walker to get around and her house ect. I take care of meals, showers, bills and everything else she may need. She also has a cat that she loves. Whenever I talk about assisted living she gets upset. I feel guilty when she is left alone and worry We do have a nanny cam also. Should I make her go to assisted living ? I do admit that I don’t stay long on my visits because I’m tired when I get home from work. I also took care of my dad for 4 years before he died. He had Parkinson’s. I am somewhat burned out but manage to keep going on. Is it ok what I’m doing?

Activities of Daily Living Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Living Independently

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APS had my mom get 24/7 live in care when they felt she was no longer safe living alone with dementia. In her case, she has to use a walker & there are stairs to get out of her house.

She was at the the point where she couldn’t get out of the house on her own if there was an emergency & I don’t think she even would have been able to dial 911.

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Yes, it is ok to do what you are doing as long as you don't lose sight that as her needs evolve, you will need to consider a memory care unit. It's a journey.

You don't have to "stay long", primary objective: safety

Don't let your guilt feelings about not "visiting her" cloud your judgement.

We kept my mom and her cat going in her home. Lived 5 minutes away, went there everyday in the a.m. for her morning rise & shine, paid companionship twice a week for four hours, meals on wheels delivered, rollator to walk, showered her once a week, dressed & taken to our house on Sunday. All supervised with motion detectors on the doors and windows and two nanny cams (living room & kitchen). For six years. When she needed daily personal care (bathroom & anxiety issues) we found placement in a memory unit 1/2 block from her house and I still a,m. visit to check supplies and staff. When she is sleeping in her room or eating in the dining area, I don't disturb her.

Pay for 8 hour coverage and take a mini vaca whenever you can. Use the cams to keep and eye on what is going on at home. Immediately explore & develop interests outside of caregiving in the daily limited time you have available.

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My Father-in-law had to go to an assisted living-- he was allowed to almost burn his home down while his sons and daughters-in-law twiddled their less than intelligent thumbs-- almost as if they did not care or were too stupid to be aware of how much a danger to himself and the dog he was. We were very lucky a stranger stopped and put out the fire he had allowed to burn without watching in the fireplace... IF no one can watch a demented older person 24 hours aday then a better path must be chosen or one will be held accountable by Adult Protective Services-- one can find oneself looking a jail time and stiff fines for endangering a person who can no longer responsively care for him or herself. Be forwarned-- my Brother in law almost got his dumb self thrown in jail--- ask your self how the grandchildren will feel about the loss of a grandparent and also a father and mother if the law steps in and prosecutes for negligence.

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Wow. This is supposed to be a support forum. Before you go judging let me say you know nothing of my situation. I have taken excellent care of my mother for a very long time and love her more than anything. I actually feel bad for you. You seem angry. I’m wondering how hands on you were with your father in law or did you just sit back and criticize them. Not that you would care but as I posted earlier we have decided to move my mom to an assisted living community.

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Again, every situation is different and levels of dementia vary from one person to the next. The health and well being of our loved one is the most important thing. Safety is key and in the world that we live in that is vital. Talk to family and have a family meeting, along with mom and talk about decisions that must be made before an emergency situation arises, and emotion and desperation make your decisions for you.

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My mom has lived with me for over 10 years. She exhibited symptoms of dementia for many of those years and was officially diagnosed with vascular dementia three years ago. She is now at stage 5-6. Last year I had to get a caregiver during the day while I am at work. My mom can no longer be left alone. Up until then she was fine. I had cameras and would call frequently and she would call me. My job is not very far from my house. I would make her lunch and leave it in the fridge - a sandwich so there was no cooking involved. She stayed in her recliner and watched TV all day. Last year she started having paranoid thoughts and anxiety. She wanted to leave. She was afraid. That meant I could no longer leave her alone. For her safety she is no longer left alone.
Now that I said all that, my short answer to your question is it varies from person to person and what stage your loved one is in. That is a decision only you, your family and his/her doctor will have to make. I would say for sure if your loved one exhibits any anxiety or fears then they should not be left alone. Someone like that would be prone to trying to get away. Also, it just isn't kind to allow them to sit in fear all day. My mom would get so scared she would get sick to her stomach. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Dementia cannot be predicted and everyone's path is different. There is no way to know how fast it will progress. The bottom line is your loved one's safety and you have a responsibility to make sure of that safety. My mom will be home with me as long as I can make sure she is safe. If there ever comes a time that I cannot do that, I will be forced to place her in a facility that can see to her safety. I am praying that will never happen, but there are no certainties with dementia.

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You've received some very helpful responses around here. Most of what I have read says that a person with dementia should not live alone, past the early stages of dementia. Some things that I would look to is if she would be okay if strangers came to the door. Would she let them in and provide them with personal information, sign a contract, let them have money, etc. Can she resist temptation from sales calls on the phone? Would she know how to react in case of fire or injury? I'd also keep check that she stays in the house when you're gone. My LO was a real homebody. She did not like the outdoors, but, she would leave her house and walk to neighbors houses, ringing their bell and telling them that she had no food! Of course, they knew this was not true, as I was there every day bringing her food, cooking her meals, leaving her snacks, etc. But, she was suffering from delusions. What if the neighbors had called the police? So, it can be concerning. People can start to wander at any time, even if if it's something that you never expected from her before.

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There are behaviours associated with dementia which are risky, such as wandering, overmedicating, losing track of kitchen tasks, moving furniture around. Then there are others which are distressing for the person herself, such as feeling alone, lost, confused, frightened, and so on.

But it's the behaviours which are the problem, rather than the dementia label. If your mother's dementia isn't causing her to do much except slow down and sit tight in her chair; and she's frequently checked in on (and in her case, monitored); and there are no signs of any new concerns, then there isn't any rush when it comes to moving her from her home.

Does your mother wear a falls alarm? Are there smoke alarms in the house? Is there an emergency procedure - e.g. say you spot a problem on the monitor, who do you call, who can get there fast?

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Dad lived a long time in his 55+ apartment with moderate dementia, with supports as your mom is doing. In fact, you are doing better than I did. He was happy and I'm happy we could make it work for him. It was only when he started to fall and could not help himself or notify anyone (use his medical alert) that we moved him into Memory Care. By then he also needed help bathing. You need to have a backup for yourself in case you get sick.

They will usually let you keep your cat in AL as long as you can care for it.

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My answer is going to be "yes" and "no." Yes, it's good that you're able to be there so frequently. But, no because what happens when she has an accident? I.e. my sister in law is 2 years into an Alzheimer's diagnosis and is alone for 12 hours a day. Of course, she no longer uses a stovetop, range or oven. However, she does use the microwave and has started FIRES in it. There may come a time when your mom will require facility living.

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With dementia-- you do not directly confront or expect rational responses--- as you knew here before-- she is no more-- so you redirect--- Mom, we are going to visit some friends this weekend. make sure she gets to talk with the social worker there who will be open and welcoming and plug her into some activities with ladies in her phase of dementia. Then if she likes it-- tell her the weekend is cost free and that she can stay end enjoy the place for a week also cost free-- and that you will care for the cat if she brings up -- who will care for the cat-- otherwise-- redirect her... and be that leader, not reacting to her.
if she stays at her home alone-- she will burn it down or worse--- she'll wander away and fall somewhere and break her shoulder or hip-- time to take the initiative. be alittle tricky and this Christmas, she'll have all new friends to enjoy the season. And you will not blow a gasket or have health troubles yourself.

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Yes, it's ok, until your health starts being affected....Family and all that wonderful stuff.

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There are several other things that you can do if you want to keep your mom at home for now. Install several home cams in key locations such as around where she usually sits, bathroom door/hall area, her bedroom, kitchen/stove area & connect them to your smartphone. That way when no one is there you can peek in on her to make sure that she hasn't fallen & is safe. We did that with my mom & it helped in the short periods of time when she was by herself. Also if she was active with a church or had a circle of friends, maybe they could sign up to spend an hour with her when needed. Try an adult day care if you feel that might be a good fit. Visit AL's like others advised & have a plan for when she will no longer safe to stay @ home. Is there a next door neighbor that could check on her if you notice a problem on your phone & need help before you could get there Might need to set that up also. This may help give you some peace of mind. Take time to care for yourself & don't neglect your family.

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You are caring for her needs, but what does she do in an emergency? Can she dial the fire department or the police department? Seems she is a homebody, so she probably never wanders.... but what is the plan if she must leave her home -(I'm thinking a fire)? Would she know how to contact you or a friend? If she can handle the emergencies, you are probably fine for now.

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I love people that think demanding they know the best and dump her is always the solution, you guys need to start your own forum with that type of support...

Has your mom been evaluated.?
You seem to have everything under control and you seem to be allowing your mother to be happy in her home with her cat... I personally think your doing great just keep a close eye on her dementia can change rapidly day from day... you'll know when the time comes what you have to do, until that time let mom be mom and enjoy what's left... that's really all both of you want anyways, as long as she's not wondering off or having severe issues when alone you and your mom should be fine.
If you can afford it and if your that concerned increase the setters time or hire a part time caregiver, just be aware, keep your eyes open for any changes and keep up the positive attitude.

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I find your idea that putting a loved one in a facility is dumping them.

I saw my dad frequently and I was daily dealing with his needs and issues.

Far from being dumped.

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Dementia is a vicious disease. They each progress different. You never know when they will slip into the next stage. I wouldn't tell her that she is getting assisted living. She needs to have someone with her at all times. They can go from knowing their surroundings to totally confused in a blink of an eye.

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Exactly... there is no strict time-line or way to plan for sudden changes! If someone else is there 24/7, it would be better, but still things could happen, as you say, in the blink of an eye. Each of us must make the decision by knowing the current status, observing a lot and knowing what might come. It isn't easy or fun, but sometimes we have to take the parent role and care for them as we would our very young children.

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When my Mom set the sleeve of her robe on fire, I realized it was too dangerous for her to remain alone. Thankfully, she was not harmed and she didn't burn down the condo.

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Mild dementia is not the end of the world. I wouldn't force her to move into assisted living. I didn't "force" my dad to move until the day I found him staring at the TV (off) in the dark livingroom. I asked him what he ate that day and he said nothing because he couldn't decide what to eat. It only took a few questions and we went out and bought him a mobile home and parked it in my front yard - yes, I had to get permission from the county supervisor and promised to remove it after Pop passed. He lived well for about 5 more years living in my front yard! He still had his independence but with me being close enough to protect him and assist him.

It sounds to me like you are doing what is needed by providing a companion to assist and feed her as well as being company. I would say not to move her; let her remain in her home with her cat for as long as possible.

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Wow, RayLin,
You are so cool.
R27

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It is fine what you are doing as long as you want to do what you do and can handle it but when you are dramatically being affected by behaviors and deeds, you cannot allow it to continue or your life will go down the boob tube. The day will come where she may have to go into a facility so you can live your life. That is what it should be. No one has the right, and I care not why they do what they do, to harm and cause problems for others - ever.

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I just read where you are placing mom.

That is great news, that she will be safe and cared for.

Remember to give her plenty of time to adjust, it does take a while, it is a lot of change.

If she was a social butterfly in the past she will definitely find some happiness in all the different people and activities.

Well done on a difficult job.

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My mom lived by herself when we had seen signs of dementia (not being able to dial phone numbers, no longer being able to cook for herself, etc.) We finally made the very hard decision after she had several hallucinations, that she could no longer live by herself. Mom is a complicated person and it would take too long to go into her personality, but after losing my dad after being married for 63 years, we put her into a memory care facility not too far from my brother and I. I still feel very, very guilty about putting her there, but it is a very nice place with caring staff that we feel comfortable with. Is mom happy? Not at all. Our parents have their own independence, and as mom often states, she does not being told when to get up, when to shower, etc. They have various activities for mom, and try to keep her stimulated mentally. We realize mom needed 24/7 care and for now, the facility is the best place for her. You know your mom, her personality, but the bottom line is, what is best for her.

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Hmm, sounds very familiar, same situation. My mom didn't like the place either, until she met a man 6 weeks ago, another resident in her building. Now she says she's "thinking about the future" with him. Just goes to show....you never know what's going to happen next, even in a secured facility.

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no.
she needs 24/7 supervision.

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CORRECT!

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I had been researching assisted living and memory care facilities for over a year and had a few picked out 'just in case'. My 93 year old dad lived in his own house with the help of daily caregivers for 6 hours a day up until September. I had always hinted about moving to assisted living but he pushed back and pushed back. It took a hospitalization in September, after becoming dehydrated, to allow the doctors to say he couldn't go home. Luckily, the facility at the top of my list had an opening so the move was an easy one. We have ended up bringing in outside caregivers 3 days a week who keep him company and take him back to his house for 'visits'. They are also responsible to get him to his variety of doctor visits. He is making friends, eating 3 good meals a day, getting plenty of beverages, has 24 hour nursing care available, is attending daily exercise classes, and their bus takes him to his church on Sunday's. But he still insists on trying to move back home (which I will not do). I would say if nothing else, start visiting facilities and find a few you like. I can't imagine having to do that on short notice. Luckily I had done my homework (and I think the hospital was a bit surprised!)

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I also started researching places 3 years before we needed one. I took Dad with me so he could get used to the idea and give me his impressions. I looked at both AL and Memory Care so I wouldn't have to move him twice. By the time we needed a place, it was the Memory Care and I had a place in mind. We never found EXACTLY what we were looking for but the places got better during our search. The research gave me a good idea what flags to look for. The one mistake I made was not ensuring they had a lift. We also continued his companion care in Memory Care to give him continuity and a watchdog. It is impossible to expect 1:1 care provided by the facility and their stimulation activities were disappointing. But they liked him and that helped.

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Sounds very similar to my situation. My mom is 89 and wants to be in her own home. I think you are doing a great job.

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yeah and one day she will fall and break her hip and be on the floor for days

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So agreeing with Grandma1954. Good that you're thinking of all this now. While your mom might be "okay" for now, she will decline and/or a UTI might really set off dangerous behavior without anyone there to see her.

Perhaps looking at AL or MC now and perhaps get her on a waiting list or do research for how it is paid.

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We have made the decision to move mom to assisted living. It’s 4 miles away. I will plan to be there as much as I can and when I can’t be there I know she will be in safe hands. She is moving in this Friday. I am at peace with the decision. She is happy but I think she will very soon love to there because she was always a social person.

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Sounds like a great decision. But I would caution you to follow the facility's advice on how much you should be there until she adjusts. Don't fall into the habit of going there right after work and staying there until your mother goes to bed. (There was a woman at my mother's NH who stayed every night until her mother went to sleep. There were also some residents who always seemed to have a relative -- yes, usually a daughter -- with them during the day.)

Your mother may try to guilt you into being with her all the time, since she may complain that you put her there. Recognize how FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) can affect your life.

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At some point it may become dangerous for her to live alone.
When the caregiver is not there are any of these potential:
She may wander off.
She may start the stove and forget about it. (unless you have disabled it)
Even a microwave can be a potential hazard.
Are there medications she can get to?
Are there cleaning supplies she can get to?
Is is possible that she would open the door for someone?

And when you do have to consider placing her I would opt for Memory Care rather than Assisted Living. I would imagine that she would probably transition to Memory Care soon after moving in. I would think just the move would trigger a decline.
Your other option would be to have caregivers come in to her home for longer than the 3 hours.

It is a difficult decision.
She will continue to decline and at some point will need 27/7 care.

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I strongly disagree with your advice to place mom in memory care before she needs to be there. Anyone who can still oppose going to AL would be miserable and angry. Having dementia does not mean memory care - most people in AL have levels of dementia. We were lucky enough to keep our mom at home until she was truly ready for memory care and the transition was easy. She is “happy” there, but it would be a different story if we had moved her there before she was ready. If the daughter can’t take her mother into her home (or move in with her mother), then AL should be seriously considered for safety reasons.

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My dad has been home with dimentia for several years. We started off with health aides filling a few hours a day and myself and family members taking shifts to fill gaps as more care was needed. We use Minuteman Senior Services. They provide meals on wheels during the week. He has a life line button that he used twice. He is home now with a live in 24/7 care. Unfortunately his funds are running out. We are considering a nursing home as he continues to decline, but we were told he may need an additional health aide in the facility because he is a fall risk. We cannot afford this kind of care. If we apply for Mass Health he may get some of the nursing home care paid for.My advice to you is plan for her future now. Unfortunately it will get worse. We have been fortunate to have him home for this long. His house is not secure (gifting) for several more months. We kept putting things off because we did not want to face reality.

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I just went thru the process with Mass Health. It is a major endeavor. I recommend hiring someone to do the paperwork.

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Although my mom didn't have dementia until her final few years her physical limitations caused her to become isolated in her home. Yes, she was an introvert and found comfort in the familiarity of her surroundings but in hindsight I think that moving her to a place where there was at least the possibility of social interaction and practical supports like meals, housekeeping and medical intervention if needed would have given her a much better quality of life. Your mother may not yet need assisted living but an independent living with the option of greater care down the road could be a wise move. Unless you plan to one day move in and care for her (or she is lucky enough to suddenly die in her sleep) she will eventually need to live in a more supportive environment, I think that sooner is better than waiting until there is a crisis and the sh&# hits the fan.

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Right Now, It appears Here, Dear, YOU have a Handle and Cam, Ma'am, On Mom. No, Seems Okay but if things Get Worse, Have Adult Protective Services for the Elderly Intervene, Along with HER Doctor, angel.

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Go ahead and research places and have a plan in place of where you'd send her if she gets worse. Have a second and third choice as well. Right now it sounds as if things are going ok. Would she be willing to go to a senior center or adult day care one or 2 days a week when the weather is nice? Be wary of increasing need on her part that slowly sucks up ALL of your time. Do not EVER allow yourself to feel guilty if you do have to move her into an AL.

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Mom living alone with dementia. Is it ok?

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