Mom lives alone and has moderate dementia. I live one street over. I work full time and have someone to come three hours a day for companionship, to feed her lunch and do some light cleaning. I am there three to four times a day. She is able to use her walker to get around and her house ect. I take care of meals, showers, bills and everything else she may need. She also has a cat that she loves. Whenever I talk about assisted living she gets upset. I feel guilty when she is left alone and worry We do have a nanny cam also. Should I make her go to assisted living ? I do admit that I don’t stay long on my visits because I’m tired when I get home from work. I also took care of my dad for 4 years before he died. He had Parkinson’s. I am somewhat burned out but manage to keep going on. Is it ok what I’m doing?
We drag kids to things they don't want because we know that, developmentally, they're going to need the skills they can develop there. But aged humans are not generally developing new skills.
It makes sense to have her evaluated for depression vs dementia (and don't forget bloodwork to check for vitamin deficiencies, which can mimic dementia). But if dementia is her diagnosis, why would anyone want her to spend her days being miserable doing things she doesn't want to do with people she doesn't want to see?
I often wonder whether we, as a culture, are forcing people into ALs because that's the best treatment for the next generation's feeling of guilt and futility (and because marketing works). The best treatment for your sense of guilt might be self-forgiveness (because you can't fix this) and acceptance (of her condition and desires), rather than forcing her to make a move she doesn't want.
What about letting her enjoy her remaining time doing what she wants to do in her own house?
I wouldn't think that she would be lonely, honestly having someone with you for 3 hours a day and you in and out 3 or 4 times doesn't leave time to be lonely.
I would be more concerned about her ability to respond to danger. Would she know how to safely leave the house if, God forbid, there was a fire or the house filled with smoke? Would she understand if she needed to call 911 because she was in distress?
That would be my largest concerns.
I don't have dementia and I have to admit the grandchildren tire me out. I am not used to the noise.
With my inlaws I started by visiting places by myself first and gathering cost info (as this is not published on websites and they are resistant to quoting over the phone). Ask if they have a waiting list. Ask if they provide for Medicaid residents. Make sure they have care from AL to hospice so your mom will never need to move. Take pictures yourself, and don't show her the marketing brochures. Get pics of the residents doing things and maybe even inside an apartment. Show activity areas, grounds, etc. And ask about having a pet. THEN you can sit down to a nice, calm dinner and start a conversation about how you are not able to keep up with her care and maintaining your house. See if she's receptive or sympathetic. Show her more than 1 place so that she feels that she has "buy in" in the decision-making process for her future. Have answers if she is worried about paying for it. It may take more than one conversation so try to be patient. If she never comes around, some back to this forum for "next steps". Blessings!