My mom is 93, in fairly good health and still lives in her own condo, even though she is legally blind and has mobility issues (i.e. needs to use a walker all the time). I am her primary "go to" person for grocery shopping, doctor appointments and anything else she needs.
In the past few months, she's developed this habit of freaking out if she calls my home and I don't answer the phone right away. She'll leave a voice-mail and start calling around to different relatives to see if they know where I am. The most recent incident was the other day. I was in the shower. She called and left two voicemails within 20 minutes. When I returned her call, she was all agitated...she said she thought I'd been in an accident. She even got out her rosary and started to pray. I told her that I was fine; I was just in the shower. I again told her that it's not good for her to get this upset. She tells me I don't understand...I've never been a mother. Then I point out that she never did this until just a few months ago. I try to get her to explain why she's doing this all of a sudden, and she changes the subject.
This behavior makes me feel so uncomfortable...like I can't even take a shower for fear that she'll call me and go haywire if I don't answer the phone. Does anyone else have this issue with a parent?
I don't suppose your mom will go for a physical and get on a sedative? She would be much better off.
She drove my sister to an early death and is now, chipper, clean and loving life in the nursing home. She will be 96, in March.
I have 2 brothers, one is not very involved, but the three of us all agree that life needs to go on. Mom has been declining since 2009. We refuse to put our lives on hold and we each take at least a week twice a year to go no contact; either by going away or just being unavailable. We all have high stress jobs and getting away from stress is simply a necessary part of one's mental and physical health.
There are many ways to work this out, facility respite, paid caregivers coming into the home. One third of all caregivers die before their charges do. Just do it.
My brother, 66 and also retired, lives 20 minutes away. Before he was retired, he would hardly ever even call mom...sometimes two months would go by before he'd call. He hardly ever helped out with her. It always fell to me and I was deeply resentful. Now that he's retired, he's doing a lot more and filling in for me when I'm too busy to take mom on errands. But he's useless in dealing with mom's emotional needs.
As for me, I'm 58 and I run my own business. I absolutely love what I do, but it's not unusual for me to work seven days a week for two or three months before taking a weekend off. At this point, I haven't had a day off since January 1. Yet, my schedule is flexible enough to help mom out most of the time. However, I get darn tired and emotionally drained trying keeping my business going and attending to mom's needs. And I have struggled with anxiety issues for years. Such is my life.
There are very good reasons why mom is this clingy (dementia being number one), but that doesn't mean you can live under the pressure of trying to fulfill her needs. Get her into an AL (even if finances are an issue, sit with an elder law attorney and make a Medicaid spend down plan). If she was living in a community, you could comfortably not answer the phone (she'll likely still call you) and know that there's someone helping her deal with her anxiety; distracting her, comforting her... and that she's not just spinning into a lather over it all alone in her apartment.
I find my father can be temporarily calmed by receiving a regular text. It will stop his phone calling for hours at a time. With your mom's low vision, texting would require some ingenuity. I think an iPhone will read a text aloud. You could try that in the meantime.
I hope they find a way to stop this because they expect numbers to triple in the near future of those being diagnosed with some kind of dementia.
Just tell your mom how wonderful it would be for her to do some things and take her to some facilities, meet some friends, or she could have "company" come in and help until you can get her in somewhere. Good luck! Hugs
Paranoia over takes the elder.
My 101-year-old mil , R, with serious vision issues, refuses assisted living or having someone live with her--but like your mom, has 2 neighbors happy to help. This arrangement helps her only-child son and me: these 2 neighbors phone each day to say "hello" so R knows they care. Once a week (Mon. and Friday) each asks if they can take her grocery shopping (the cart provides stability for walking-- she likes to go); pick up groceries for her; or do other errands. If it's a regular offer and your mother says "yes" once, she may look forward to it. We are mostly rid of the grocery-shopping.
Do check with her neighbors assuming you think they're responsible and willing. The next time grocery shopping comes up--suggest she give a (verbal) list to the neighbor or your brother.
Re: phone. Can Mom see a large clock? Remind her constantly that if you don't answer because you could be in the shower (or whatever), you'll get back to her in an hour or two hours, unless she leaves an emergency message. If she can't see, she may not realize how much time passes. That's another issue.
You and your mom have established some rules for the game--so to speak. Once entrenched, they're hard to break. You've evidently reinforced you're "Johnny-on-the spot." But if you can let go and change one small piece of the game, your mother will need to make a small change to stay in the game etc. Good luck.
2. She is losing her grip on reality as well as some of her abilities and faculties, and is scared to death. If she has enough short term memory, your calling her at predictable times may work well for both of you.
Once, my mom asked me "If I call you on the phone and you don't answer, does it mean you aren't there?" Not sure where she thought I would be. I always tried to answer, but sometimes she would misdial and be upset; I guess I was lucky she usually blamed the phone and not me personally. Its just hard. And when it stops because they can't dial at all anymore, that's hard too, though more emotionally rather than practically. If you can find anything that occupies her time better it may help reduce but probably not eliminate this; sometimes more pictures of loved ones around will be reassuring too. I tried to get my Mom a CEIVA frame and could have loaded it up with new grandkid pix or funny sayings or stuff most every day, but she hated technology too much and wouldn't have it.