My mom is 93, in fairly good health and still lives in her own condo, even though she is legally blind and has mobility issues (i.e. needs to use a walker all the time). I am her primary "go to" person for grocery shopping, doctor appointments and anything else she needs.
In the past few months, she's developed this habit of freaking out if she calls my home and I don't answer the phone right away. She'll leave a voice-mail and start calling around to different relatives to see if they know where I am. The most recent incident was the other day. I was in the shower. She called and left two voicemails within 20 minutes. When I returned her call, she was all agitated...she said she thought I'd been in an accident. She even got out her rosary and started to pray. I told her that I was fine; I was just in the shower. I again told her that it's not good for her to get this upset. She tells me I don't understand...I've never been a mother. Then I point out that she never did this until just a few months ago. I try to get her to explain why she's doing this all of a sudden, and she changes the subject.
This behavior makes me feel so uncomfortable...like I can't even take a shower for fear that she'll call me and go haywire if I don't answer the phone. Does anyone else have this issue with a parent?
She has caregivers in on Mondays and Fridays to do light housekeeping, change her bed, etc. They also help her shower, although she's still able to do this on her own on other days of the week. She has a cleaning lady in to do a thorough clean once a month. She makes simple meals and heats up stuff in her toaster oven. There's a senior centre across the street where she buys cheap, nutritious meals. So, she really does all right on her own...for now. I know this can change.
Mom has been waffling on the idea of assisted living. She's very influenced by her friends' opinions. A while ago, someone she knows moved to an AL facility and she loves it, so mom was all gung-ho about taking a look at some places. Recently, another friend said that she wouldn't go into an AL because mealtimes are regulated in the dining room. Mom now says she would hate going to breakfast, lunch and dinner at designated times. She likes to eat when she feels like it and do her own thing.
So, for now the plan is to keep Mom in her condo as long as possible and if/when her needs change, bring in care-givers more often...every day if need be. However, that doesn't ease my burden. Yesterday, after working all day and then picking up Mom's groceries and delivering them to her, she said, "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you. I would have to go live in assisted living." I just said, "Well, I don't think I'm going anywhere anytime soon. Let's not worry about that just now." I think her statement says it all...when she doesn't reach me on the phone right away, she's afraid that something's happened to me and that she'll be left to fend for herself. I get that, but wow, does that ever put pressure on me.
She too,if I dont answer her call on the first ring and goes ballistic. Or if she lives with me she has a bell she rings...do I need say more. I love my mother, but I do not like her. I sought counseling...my counselor said because she has done this all her life with me, it has just gotten worse with age. The question she stated to me to ask my Mom was "do you want a daughter or a caretaker because I can't do both?" It is setting boundaries with your Mother. I said she would have two weeks, either go home or go to assisted living place because I was no longer capable of taking care of her demands.
I use to call her anyday, she NEVER calls me...I set my boundaries and asked politely if she would call me the next day. It took 10 days of waiting and she never called!!! I called her and she read me the riot act. I said she was suppose to call me (and no she didn't forget either) She said it was not her responsibility to call me, it was my job to call her. Politely I told she needed an attitude adjustment she became furious and threatened to hang up on me and she did. I did not call her back for two weeks then she called me not apologizing but saying "Hello it is so nice to hear voice, I missed talking with you." It's about boundaries!
PS - I am not talking about people with dementia or Alheizmer's whole different game, but the scenario of making boundaries for yourself still stands otherwise you are going to be in the next bed to your mother, either seriously ill and/or insane. Done that for 55 years of my life....counseling and setting boundaries helped me in the last five years. My mom decided she wanted a daughter after all.