I've seen some things on here lately that have made me wonder about Mom's care down the road. She became physically disabled very late in her working career, other wise had worked and paid in all her life. So when she became disabled, she got a disability check for 7 or 8 years. Then it switched over to Social Security more recently, she's 70.
This entire time my lazy little niece has been bumming rent, cell phone bill, utils, an occasional car-outright cash, and $ for junk for her kids, (shoes toys clothes etc). I suppose around a grand a month. Will this be held against my Mom as "gifting" later? Is there an amount a month she is OK to give her without penalty? Is there a difference if it came out of savings or if it was part of her "monthly income", her SS check. Or is it simply if she gives $ to a grandkid at all and it ends up being within the 5 year look back it's held against her?
I'd imagine when she needs to go to a NH she will be self pay due to her husband's modest savings. But when that runs out or he passes and his income stops, would she have to go on medicaid? I could see a situation where within 2 or 3 years he could be gone, she could be broke after the couple years of self pay, and wind up in the look back window. Wondering if the gifting she's doing today is going to burn her later? I'm the only kid left, not in great health, may not be around then. Niece lives in filth and doesn't care, ha- I seriously wouldn't want to leave a goldfish in her care. What would happen to Mom when her and stepdad's $ is dried up, I am not here to take care of her, and she's given most of her SS check away to the grandkid for years?
Now that my Mom has early stage Alzheimer's, there are times when she doesn't remember our agreement. She despises my husband, who happens to be a huge help & support...he continues to help in her care even though her attitude towards him is hateful...at times she says we want her money which hurts me & makes me feel guilty. I have power of attorney so I can take care of all her finances & medical decisions. I'm in the process of trying to get her my Dad's veteran benefits that stopped when he passed. She says I'm doing this to get more of her money...then she offers to help...I'm crazy with guilt & stress all the time...anyone have a similar issue?
You also need to make it abundantly clear that you are not going to be taking mom into your home/nor moving into hers to do hand's on care during the Medicaid penalty period. That's going to be Missy ' s job.
You might also consider whether mom has some cognitive impairment, or even the beginnings of dementia. Poor judgement, especially with regards to money, is often an early sign.
Ha-the why question. :-) I wish I knew. Have thought myself in circles, no luck. I'm not good with that kind of thing. I'm just open/honest and proud to handle my own situations. I can't conceive of scheming like my niece does, but I think that it makes her feel proud that she's pulled something from how she talks about other things like that. Can't imagine what Mom is thinking doing things that need hidden either, because if you are hiding something you're doing then you know it's wrong to a degree, so why do it? Heehee, see, a circle. :-)
The kids are well fed, by food stamps and the school. Not clean, the niece isn't clean either, she never has been. She moved in with her Dad when he and Sis divorced, she wanted to go live with him because he had so much more money than her Mom. He never really made her keep up her hygiene, so she just doesn't place much value on it. Niece is my deceased Sister's, but wasn't very nice to my Sister while she was alive. Called her Dad's girlfriends "Mom" in front of my Sis, rarely called unless she wanted something after her Dad quit supporting her and told her to get a job and keep it when she hit her 30's. I've avoided niece most of her life since she moved with her Dad, she's always been in some sort of drama or trouble and always expects money and from everyone. I like peace in my down time. :-) No, she's not disabled, but yep, 4th boyfriend in a row with a record from selling drugs. It's not anything that makes people skinny or loose teeth though, both her and boyfriend are quite a bit over weight. Neither work most of the year, part time something for a couple weeks here and there, rest is welfare from having the kids and bumming off family.
Only thing I've ever come up with is that maybe it makes Mom feel "important" to be able to "fix" all her problems? If you know something I don't, feel free to shoot! :-) I am at a loss. Even when Sis was alive she'd tell Mom NOT to give her any more cars, etc., (they don't take care of them), was tired of Mom "enabling" her, so is the niece's Father, he was really mad about the last car they gave her, said that they "never learn". No clue, but thanks!
Has your Mom a favorite son/daughter, and niece is from those parents, but your siblings have passed? Has mom always played favorites? Is mom getting something out of the what sounds like excessive giving because you say except for the contacts to get money the niece does not call?
Do you have a relationship with the niece, one where you could just drop by on a Friday or Saturday night, without calling? How is the niece, excessively thin? How are her teeth? What is her usual source of income? Does she work?
Mom is disabled, and on pain medication. Is the niece disabled? There is a reason mom shares this information about her finances with you. Find out why.
And finally, does the niece have a drug-dealer for a boyfriend?
Excuse the questions from a complete stranger, you don't need to answer to me, just ask yourself. This story and level of dysfunction sounds a little like extortion rather than gifting. You are right to have concerns.
It could all be perfectly innocent, your mom could be administering the estate of niece's parents? Wishing you the best.
I would advise my mom to not give cash/money, but rather provide the needs directly, pay check to utilities, rent. Buy the clothes for children herself. Pay for a housekeeper for the niece. Shouldn't helping someone improve their lives instead of allowing the grand's to live in filth?
Sad, but it causes strife in their relationship when he has to say "no", to buying them another car, etc. Causes strife between Mom and me too, it makes me mad to see someone use her like that. Both myself and DH started with nothing, broke our little butts all our lives, owned businesses, put in many a 12-15 hour day, never got an ounce of help from anyone. We wouldn't have taken it though, (matter of honor), where she and boyfriend will flat locate a car or house they want and then hound Mom about getting it for them.
Stepdad's parents both passed due to heart attacks, his bro has had 2, he has had one. He fell off a ladder and wrecked his ankle, he can walk, but doesn't move around much as far as helping his heart out, smokes like a train, eats a lot of fried sweets. I could see how they could both end up needing daily care, (could see how he could plain have a fatal heart attack), it could very easily wipe out all of their resources. Reading here has really made me think, looks like some open discussions may be in order soon. Wish me luck, and thank you!