without telling my Mom anything my sister took her to complete care facility, she did not sleep for two whole nights, fell asleep at a table with her glasses on and badly is bruised and gets startled when she sees herself in mirror, I live a distance, and was not aware of this move, and so far I am told to stay away so she can settle in, I am going to see her next week, told I am being selfish?? Thanks ahead for any information
I don't think any of us so far have addressed what to say when Mother says she'd rather be dead than stay there. Some possibilities:
You will die when it is your time, Mother. All of us will. I will be very sad if you die before I do. But until then, let's figure out how to make the best of this place.
I'm so sorry you are unhappy here. Sis and I want the best care for you and this is a place where you can get it. I hope you will like it better when you get used to it.
(If she understands her diagnosis.) I get so mad sometimes when I think of you having this disease. It is not your fault! You don't deserve it! You are here so trained people can help you with your disease. I don't blame you for wishing you did not have the disease. That is what Sis and I wish, too.
Do any of those suggestions seem to fit?
Be sympathetic. Don't trivialize her distress. But also don't agree that she shouldn't be there.
Be aware that with dementia she is losing her ability to reason, and losing touch with external reality. Don't expect that you can reason away her feelings. Keep explanations short and simple and connect with her emotional reality of the moment.
Many persons with dementia go nights without sleeping, in their own home, a family home, or a care center. This is not unusual, but it is one of the reasons it is hard to care for such a person at home. The care center will be able to deal with this.
It is important that you learn more about your mother's health needs.
I do not agree, however, with the no-family-visits approach. I would never, ever agree to not see my mother for a month. I would not let her feel not only lost, confused, and disoriented but also abandoned. Ain't gonna happen. And her nursing home did not suggest that. She had at least one visit a day from her children from the very first day. (Large family.) I even stayed through the night a few nights. A year later we are down to 4 or 5 visits a week. Mom has adjusted and settled in very well.
But I hope that you can talk this out with your sister and come to visit Mom not in defiance and causing a break in your relationship, but with an understanding of why you need to do this, with no disrespect of her decisions. And I agree with Mincemeat -- it sounds like you need some visits with your sister as much as you need to visit Mom.
The best thing you can do is take your family member out for a well deserved lunch and have a open minded, non angry discussion.
Your sister is right, it is better that you stay away for at least 2 or 3 weeks so that your Mom can settle in according to what I have read in articles posted here on Aging Care. It gives the person time to find their way around the facility, learn about the Staff, and meet the other residents. And don't be surprised if your Mom begs for you to take her home... that is very common.