t's very hot in the summer. She refuses to give me POA. Mom handles all her finances and it is her mobile home. She is 92. She has casement windows that open side to side, and she doesn't like the way it would look to have a hose sticking out her windows if we move forward with a portable unit that I have ordered for her. She becomes very agitated and upset when something changes in her home. When the company came over last week to measure the window and discuss what the a/c would look like, she practically threw the guy out, along with me and her aide. I am afraid her aides will resign from her case due to her house being so hot, and I am worried about her breathing with the hot weather, but mom insists a fan is all she needs. This has been a very difficult situation along with many other situations I encounter with her. Mom is lucky to have aides assigned to her since she was discharged back home from a nursing rehab facility last year. I am her only child and I have been stressed to the max with mom being so difficult, adamant, and reluctant to change. Please help.
There's also still the attitude that men automatically know things in certain areas, such as fixing things, even though women are doing more of that kind of DIY work, and some even have handywoman businesses.
Attitudes change slowly (not that I'm excusing them). Sometimes it's actually amusing (but not too often for me!)
Don't feel like you have to have an answer to every question. You can probably save yourself a ton of nitpicking if you just say you don't know the details, but it was the one that fits in her window. The end. You can't get sucked into the quicksand if you don't step in it!
Once it gets put in, she will probably gripe about this or that, but ultimately it will help dehumidify and cool the air, and breathing will be easier. If it's anything like my mom, you'll know it's working because it will be easier to gripe and complain longer and louder. ;-) You can't do that when you're short of breath.
My husband had crib notes I gave him for the conversation where he told her she was moving into a senior apartment, and would no longer live in her home. She did not argue with him once and was very compliant. With me.....the very opposite.
Way too many people I talk to think it's a magic wand, and it's not.
POA lets you act as your mother's agent up to a point. It does not let you override her.
Guardian/Conservatorship does, but this is expensive, hard to get (as it should be), and comes with court reporting requirements. I am going to court 6/3 to gain guardian/conservatorship for my mother.
How to get POA? Well, it depends on if your mother can understand how it's good for her or not. She might have to hear this from a lawyer or somebody at the bank. My mom could only hear new information about legal things from one person at the bank she trusted. I could sit there and say the very same words, but since it came out of my face it was not credible and was probably going to take all her money away. Unbelievable but true.
Your mom knows she is not in total control anymore (somewhere deep down inside if not consciously). She's going to become Xena, Warrior Princess over the little things to retain a feeling of control.
If she has cognitive decline going on, no amount of reason or logic will win the day. It could be 250 degrees in that house and she would still not turn on the air and to heck with the caregivers' needs.
With my mom, I had to be Machiavellian to plan WHO could tell her certain things, to accomplish certain results. I am 44, but will always be an incompetent stupid 5 year old to my mom. My husband could tell her certain things because he is a man. Her doctor could tell her other things because he is a man and a doctor (bonus points!) Her older brother could tell her some things because he's her brother and a man. She basically would do the opposite of anything any female told her regardless of their profession or credentials. In the list of women qualified to tell her anything, I am on the bottom rung.
It's hard to do, but sometimes you have to let Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall so you can get in there and make necessary changes. With extreme heat, you can call the local police to go do a welfare check on her. You can call Adult Protection and explain you are worried about her because she won't allow you to put AC in.
Things like this require some creative or innovative approaches. As a last resort, you can play the "just get it done" card.
How big is the home? Could a unit be installed in a room so it wouldn't be blowing on her when it is on? That way it would be available on days that got very warm. It is always better to prepare for those days than hope they won't come. Heat exhaustion can be very dangerous.
It is the aides who probably need it most. Can they get by with fans for their shifts?
My Mom (94+) is in a NH. They run the AC for the sake of the staff, but the residents all go around in sweatshirts and cardigans. My mom has a blanket over her legs. I visit and she says, "Oh, you are going to catch your death of cold in those short sleeves.
Many old people are cold all the time and putting in AC would seem senseless to them.
Pick your battles.
I agree with what the other posters said. Just do it. My bet is that she'll see it looks fine and the air feels oh so much better. I couldn't function (especially sleep) without air conditioning in the summer.