Mom is filling out and sending money to sweepstakes in the mail. She insists that "someone has to win" and REFUSES to believe that they are scams. I've tried to reason with her, but it didn't work. I'm terrified. What should I do?that they are scams. I have 1. Tried to reason with her. Didn't work. 2. Went down to the post office and asked to get her mail redirected here (so I could trash the ones she wants to send money to). I did tell her I did it to help cut down on her junk mail.
At the time, she was okay with it. This was only last week. Today she came over my house and said she went to the post office to get it all delivered to her house again.
I am terrified. She used to believe they were scams but now "likes doing it." She has money in the bank and I don't want those predators to take it. What should I do?
I hear exactly what you are saying. My mom is at the Nursing Home temporarily now because she broke a rib. Her dementia is so much worse at hospitals and at these NH's.
She called me a couple of days ago and said "Karen. I'm done at the hairdressers now. I need you to pick me up." yes, she had just gotten her hair done there, but no, she was not being released that day. She got angry with me when I started questioning her. I was trying desperately to figure it out. Was she really done at the nursing home? The more I tried to GENTLY question her, the angrier she got. I spoke with one of the nurses there and explained the situation and she went to talk to mom. "Hey, you know you're here for therapy right?" Mom: "yes" and that was the end of that.
What? You have to be kidding me! Mom was on a tirade with me and insistent that I had to pick her up and 2 damn seconds later, she all of sudden "gets" it, Huh? I asked the nurse "did mom mention anything about me picking her up?" No, says the nurse.
Double duh!
Is dementia really like this? Out of it one minute with anger and persistence and then "with it" the next?
I was going to "just" do the legitimate sweepstakes for my mother, but I have a feeling that would then open up the floodgates for more. Since even "reputable" organizations sell their mailing lists, I didn't even bother.
Instead I went to the post office and explained my mom's situation (I love her. I am concerned. She probably has early dementia. She's sending checks all over the place and ordering things she said she never ordered).
Long story short, I asked them to forward all of her mail to me. And they did! They asked if I have Power of Attorney (I do) and asked me to drop off a copy to them (haven't done it yet) and they now forward everything here.
My advice to others in similar situations is not to give up. If you have POA go to the post office as I did. I told my mom I love her and I want to help her with her bills because I LOVE DOING PAPERWORK and I can't wait for us to the bills together and spend time together and chit chat doing it all at my house. Since mom loves being with me, it was an easy sell.
That day anyway. As you all know with memory issues, the same questions keep coming up "why am I not getting anymore mail?" etc to which I reply "I want to help with the bills because it's fun to do them with you" or something similar. So far, so good.
Find their "weak point" and capitalize on it. Just remember, you're doing it for their own good. White lies.
Anyone who has a mental illness should not be in control of thier legal, finacial, health issues, driving or anything that can cause harm or danger to themself or anyone else. Therefore, someone else needs to be there for them, and 2 ways to do so are, the person giving power, by signing Power Of Attorney, or by Guardianship granted by Court, if you haven't done so at this point. Getting proper diagnosis of behavioral health is first step you should take once this kind of problem is an issue.
then open up and,get the money out,and toss the junk away
First off I remember when my cousin told me about his dad writing check to everyone and their brother all the crap that came in the mail where anybody wanted money he was sending checks. My cousin said he had stacks of this stuff he was mailing checks to...I said why didn't you stop him. I don't remember his answser, he may not have had any POA or joint with his father...don't know how much he squandered before he died.
How old is your mom? Do you see any forms of pre-dementia? When they get irrational about stuff is I believe is when the crux is starting to turn. Okay get a hold of yourself Karen I am going to throw you a hard blow. "Guess what it is only going to get worse..yep...oh believe me she will glom onto even more as she ages. I would take her to a psychaitrist or if that was the one that said don't worry about it..take her to another one, and start some meds. Don't wait for a blowout-----which the stupid medical profession usually likes to wait for before starting any meds. Today marks the 12th year my mom has glomed onto me since my dad died....she is now in a really sluggish state..but before I got there had to go through a lot of hell...so be prepared...either you get some meds for her or you go to a psych and get some meds for you...cause it will test you...oh will it test you. I as well have no family to count on nor any siblings nor husband nor kids...it's just me alone.....it was tough g/f believe me....but you finally reach the end...cause NO ONE IS MORTAL...thank goodness! Please please Karen...it's not just you...there are many of us that go through this type of crap. My mom I only figured out a couple of years ago was NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder..with some paranonia thrown in as well)...so it is a rough rough road...but you will make it..trust me. Hang in there...!!!!!! I am the only one my mom gloms onto as well...haven't had a vacation in 12 years....could not go anywhere because she would say what about her....yeah she was healthy as a horse at 75 when all this started....did not think I was going to be a prisoner for 12 years...!
So I make the screens with this info in a large print easy to read (you can copy and enlarge font) and said - here read these and if you still want to give your money, fill out the forms, etc then ok, it is your money . Read it and like a miracle - there were no more demands to participate. Same problem occurred with donations to a political party - once they get ahold of you they never stop and then they send endless letters and sell your name to other organizations. Same solution - the Washington Post recently printed a story about how the major political parties waste a lot of the donations. Read it and the desire to donate stopped. Combine this strategy with contacting each sender and tell them to take name off list. Another thing you can do if they are calling is to get on another line and demand that they tell your family member exactly who they are and how much they are paid to call and ask for money. Tell them you are recording the call. This also is effective in ending these solicitation phone calls.
Okay, apparently I am in the midst of a meltdown:
Honestly, right now I hate my life. I wish I was dead. I wish my mother was dead. I cannot stand living anymore. No, it's not just the stupid sweepstakes. It's the entire situation.
It's her yelling at me today because I told her that she probably shouldn't have drunk out of the same glass as the person next to her (one of my daughter's friends who she just met two hours ago). "Stop making such a big deal about it Karen." Geez, I only said it once. No matter what I say I'm wrong.
It's her complaining about everything, the food is too hot, the tea isn't hot enough, the person who we went with should have ordered a smaller pizza because she didn't eat it all.
And most importantly (I am crying like a baby now) I'm just sick to f-ing death (sorry, I'm just at wits end) of having to see her almost every damn day, for hours at a time. Today was 12 noon to 7pm. I see her four days a week for 20 to 30 hours a week. I hate it.
She calls me in the morning and has to get together with me because she's lonely, lonely, lonely. But refuses to call anyone or go anywhere or take the initiative to do anything. I am sick to death of her sitting downstairs in my living room while I work, just waiting with bated breathe to catch a glimpse of me. I feel like my mother's obsession, not her daughter. I feel like I am the breathe to her lungs. She cannot function without being with me all the time. Don't even bother advising me to talk to her. I have and she gets defensive and angry and doesn't want to talk about it.
Today I had the audacity to say to her that a friend of mine and I might go out to the movies together (yeah, like I could actually have a moment without my mother) to which she replied, "Oh I wish I could go." I hear those words from her all the time and I am sick to death of it. Why can't she say, "Great. Have a good time" like I do with my adult daughters? I feel like a piece of crap right now because I wish she or I were no longer alive. I cannot go on living like this. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.
I feel so alone. I have no brothers and no sisters. I have no relatives except for my mom and my two adult daughters. When mom wakes up she has only one goal for the day - how quickly can she see me and how much time can we spend together and what can we do together and who can we see together.
I AM SICK TO DEATH OF BEING TOGETHER WITH HER. Am I a lousy piece of crap?
V
When I was home I intercepted a few calls, told them I'd let my father know he called and "forgot" about it.
They started using official government agency names like the FDC and another one that I've forgotten. Of course I left messages with the agencies and never heard back from them. I had already filled out their online forms and never heard back from those either. I thought that since I had their phone numbers and since they were using real government agencies to try to swindle money from seniors they might be a little more apt to get the info from me and do something. Nope.
My mom tries to take all of the sweepstakes mail as soon as it comes in but she's not always successful. Sending the mail to a PO Box isn't an option. He would get very upset and my mom wouldn't want to go some place to pick up the mail every day.
I'm stuck too. Our bank was helpful with holding off on getting his checks to him. But again he would get upset if he thought they were keeping things from him.
They cover themselves by "awarding" enough "winning" entries with $3.99 & $5.99 checks to keep from being shut down. Even when my dad sees that he still thinks he's going to win more eventually. There's no reasoning with him.
I wish I could help you. But I don't have any answers for us either. If I ever find out anything I'll be posting to help everyone else out. Other than going to Bermuda, the Bahamas, Jamaica or where ever they are and beating the crap out of them I don't know what to do. That's at the top of my list right now.