My 86 year old mom has been in AL since October after her 5th fall last year. She was hospitalized, went to rehab and then to AL at the same facility. My brother told her he will take her to her home because she hates it there so very much. What do I do? I don't agree with his plans and I know exactly what will happen when she gets home. I do not want to be the coordinator of her care and I know I'll be forced into it. I have been watching over Mom since Dad died 7 years ago and my heart was finally at ease when she went to AL. My brother's plan is to have her call one of us 3 times a day, and if she doesn't call, we go to her house.
In a perfect world this could work, but Mom is ~very~ controlling, has said for her entire life that she's the mother and we are to respect her, while she has thought nothing of hurting us or caring one bit that we have lives. She won't wear a medical alert, won't plan for anything (never has) and will NOT listen to me. She says, "stop talking to me like a nurse". I can't help it, I am one, and told her that I can be her daughter but not her caretaker.
Please, if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I can't seem to get any calmness in my heart because of this. The underlying stress is killing me.
It sounds to me as though she's having difficulties getting back into the routine of living alone. She may come to realize that whatever she "hated" about AL, there were some good aspects to it. Are there any others nearby that might suit her better? We had a disatrous experience with my mother in one place (we relied on the fact that other family members had elders there and assumed it must be a good place, which it was not); another was a much better fit, in part, simply because it had "assigned seating" in the dining room, meaning that you always knew where you were going to sit and that it was less like a junior high school lunchroom, with all the pettiness and awfulness of being "the new kid". When some of the bad feelings have blown away, maybe she'll be inclined to go take a look at some other places and make a choice. Hugs!
Trust me, this is NOT dementia. This is how she controls. First, give us a reason to drop everything to go over and then have us in her hooks when we get there. 2 days ago I called in the morning, no answer, so I waited 10 minutes. Called again, no answer. With heart in throat I went over, unlocked the door, yelled for her and there she was, sitting on the couch. I was in the bathroom... It dawned on me that she could have called me before panic set in because my phone message was picked up. I ended up resentfully shopping for her and making fruit salad. Hey, you're there, what are you supposed to do when your Mom needs things? Yes, brother's job, but I was there.
Hair appointments are something I take her to. "11:30 ???? That's too early, I'm the patient. MOM, you're not a patient, you're the customer and I'm the driver.
I'm just venting. There are a plethora of stories to tell, but I won't ramble on ..... oh, just one more.... every time I'm on my way out she tries to pick a fight or tell me what nasty thing was said about me behind my back. Last one was yesterday. You should have seen the disgusted look on Mary's face when you said that......me----- gee, I missed that. Bye Mom.
Word to the wise. Physically fight your sibling if you have to, to prevent him/her from opening this can of worms. It's just AWFUL, and I'm staying as big a distance as I can.
Fast forward to today. Brother is across the nation on vacation. Mom fell and fractured her ankle in 3 places. Strong narcotics given, she became severely belligerent (very frighteningly so) med doc wouldn't clear her for surgery. Temporary cast applied for stability. Hospital wouldn't consider her as an inpatient, called it "observation". Forced discharge on the second day. Transferred her to rehab and they really have no idea what to do with her, as she didn't have surgery. Medicare will not pay for rehab and her secondary insurance which had formerly been top of the line refuses also. She is now in her 3rd day of self pay. $460.00 a day is now coming out of her pocket.
Mom is not on Medicaid. She has a house and a little in the bank. Please help me if you know what to do from here. Even a smile or an "I'm here and listening" would be greatly appreciated.
I have to say this was one of the most interesting and informative threads I have read and I read each and every one of the 80 postings above in one sitting this evening. Amy, thank you so much for coming back on to the threads and answering and giving updates, it helps everyone know if their suggestions were helpful. I wish others who post questions/discussions would do the same as these forums are such a good learning tool.