She knew the reason why she ask me that.
It had to do with someone she kept and realized she really didn’t want that job. All of her motives were wrong. Unfair to pin me like that. It’s weighty, nerve racking, binding, mentally disturbing, psychologically impacting. I’m trying to do what’s right, it affects my job. I don’t want to go to work. Nothing is natural for me. I get up when I get her dressed, I’m already tired. In Oct 1 brother decided he had a wk, then me. Still the buck has been on me, living with her ever since end of 2014. I’ve left my husband to attend to my mother, my life has been turned upset down. My peace is prayer. I beginning to not feel guilty if I do have to place her in a nursing home. I’m not God. I’m tired. I can’t do things when I want. If someone keep her I’m on a time clock, unfair. She was unfair!
I’ve always been obedient and my mother used that . What do you do in a case like this? She’s now where she’s not feeding herself properly. That’s extra on me... I’m do worn. I honestly believe I’m in a state of depression. I don’t want to go to work. It’s like I could throw in the towel.
I shall call your story:
The Tale of The Good Daughter & The Promise
😇 😱
So your Mom got older & is scared of a nursing home. OK - fair enough. Her solution was to choose an offspring (kindest or most obedient is the best) & apply pressure so they become her 24/7 carer. Enter you.
It is working for so far. For HER. But it needs to work for all the people in the plan. That means for YOU too. Is it?
So. Firstly, work out how much you can realistically do.
Secondly, explain this to your Mom. Something like "I care for you but I am only ONE person. I cannot do all this anymore. I need to return to my home, marriage & job. We need a new plan. I will find out who can help us do that".
You may get respect & acceptance. Or you may get resistance & rage.
What are your thoughts on this?
Circumstances have changed, her needs have changed, and your abilities have changed. Being coerced into an agreement doesn't mean you are stuck with it.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best and gone above and beyond for too long. As my husband's doctor said "Going above and beyond for an extended period of time NEVER ends well for the caregiver."
You need to take care of yourself. Ruining your life and health won't do your mother any good either. At most, you can supervise the professionals who care for your mom. You have the right to your mental and physical health.
Take care of yourself and I wish the best for you.
I wish more doctors would offer that advice.
The only thing my mom’s doctor ever said to me was, “You’re doing a great job caring for your mom.”
It was NEVER about my needs. They never asked how I was holding up.
You need to make arrangements for outside help for your mom. Please don't think of it as a selfish decision. It's not. Eventually if you continue as you have been your mom's needs will be greater than you can handle anyways and you will have lost yourself in the meantime. Do this for yourself and your mom!
As for guilt. It's a useless emotion. I felt guilty about transitioning my mom to a nursing home but it was in her best interests and mine and there were no if's and's or but's about it. It was hard. I felt horrible every time I went to visit her there but you know what? It had to be done and after awhile she didn't even know the difference anyway.
I know this is hard but you can do it.
There's 'service' and then there's servitude. You're enmeshed in unhealthy 'servitude' and sounds like mom doesn't appreciate it, and you are slowly but surely crashing.
I USED to be the 'super' kid who would step up for EVERYTHING--not for a few years. I quit doing it all and guess what? It worked out. My other sibs stepped up, and mom has not suffered.
Get with your sibs--and let them know, straightforward, that as of Jan 1st, you are done and mom needs to have a different care plan.
You don't have to walk away 100%, but you do not have to live your life for mom.
No guilt--just self preservation, which is as important as anything else. Taking care of one elderly person can kill you. Literally. You've sold your marriage down the road for your mom--would she really have wanted that? If the answer is yes, then you have a serious problem. No parent should step between husband and wife.
Even with my mother in MC, with all other duties on my plate, I've been asking who is going first, mom, me or my 21.5+ yo kitty... Kitty decided she wanted to be first. :-(
Mom's still hanging in there at 97 with dementia, virtually no hearing, losing eyesight to Mac Deg and most recently a stroke! I did continue her Mac Deg treatments until the stroke happened. It was hard on her before that, she really wouldn't be able to get through the whole process any more. So, we're down to me and mom, who's going first?
I have been relieved of some tasks, as she's on hospice now and they provide the briefs and wipes, along with any medication needed (currently I still provide her BP meds, but they come as a 3 month supply, she still has some left as she isn't always accepting them, and I filled the last Rx.)
Hoping not me first, as I'm not ready to go AND relying on either brother to take up what still needs to be done would be a disaster! They pretty much long ago have written themselves out of the scenario...
I've said this before on this forum, but a child should never be forced to make the promise of never putting their parent in a nursing home. Instead the promise should be that the child will do whatever it takes to make sure their parent is getting the best care possible. And sometimes that means going into some type of nursing facility. You have to do what's best for you at this point, and clearly that means finding the best facility for her to go in. She will adjust and she may even like it. And you will be able to get back to just being her daughter. Doesn't that sound pretty good at this point? Wishing you the best.
I so wish all those who lambast ANY other living situation besides providing the care yourself in your own home or the LOs home would UNDERSTAND this simple idea.
It doesn't mean we abandon our LO, it just means finding the BEST situation for EVERYONE involved. If that's in one home or the other, and it works, great. If not, that IS OKAY as well, so long as we do our best to find the best place and advocate for them!!!!
I think that you need to take responsibility that you did take this on. That first, and then plan ways to get yourself out of it. Your Mom could have surprised you asking for your agreement to keep her out of a nursing home. But even when we are surprised and say "yes" initially, most of us return to say "Mom, you surprised me and I gave you a promise that I will likely NOT be able to keep. I WILL promise you I will never desert you, but I cannot promise to give up my own life to care for you". You didn't do this. You moved in and for 6 years you have been giving care.
We can't move backward. You now recognize that you cannot go on any longer. And that is GOOD NEWS. You understand that you will feel GRIEF (not "guilt"; guilt is for cruel felons who do malice aforethought). You understand your Mother and likely the whole rest of your world will blame you. Fine. That's to be expected. But you must now move on through the thicket to find your way home to a life that is quality. You have sacrificed to the limits of your human capacity. You don't need our permission to stop. You need your own permission to stop.
Tell your Mother that you cannot do this any longer. That she will have to move into care now, and that you will help her. That you must now live a life of your own, and that you will be there for her with visits and love.
You may need professional help to work out of this quagmire. It sounds as though you currently are experiencing depression; it is difficult to move at ALL with depression, let alone to move to change your life.
It won't be easy and it won't be instant, but it can be done, and unless you wish to sacrifice your entire whole life on this altar, you must do it.
Try to remember, this is your choice. It cannot be done without pain and suffering; you must now make the best choices for your own life.
I sure wish you good luck and hope you'll update us. Please go to the discussions section below and seek out the discussion about in-facility versus home care, and how many get "guilted " into doing care that robs them of their own lives. Many helpful comments there for you.
Give yourself permission.
Fyi the above statement is something I’ve read multiple times on this forum, and it has been a game changer for me. We do the best we can, but the expectation to do it ALL is far too much!
You richly deserve some peace and time to yourself. It might take a bit but one step at a time, and your mother will be looked after, even if it’s not precisely how she wants. Truly wishing you the best!
Don't know what her finances are. You need to check what care is available, what she can afford or what medicare/medicaid will pay for. There are others on this site who can tell you how to get the information you need.
But do not continue to carry this burden alone.
Find a place for her and after you have, be firm and tell her something like (but in your own words), "Sorry, Mom, I've tried, but I simply cannot do everything you need by myself. There are caring people who are trained to give the kind of help you need. I will not abandon you. I will always be available to check on your safety and well being. I love you." Don't ask her to choose a place. You check facilities out and you decide.
Then you may be able to point out to her some advantages of whatever placement you have found. Perhaps there are activities she might like or surroundings she might find enjoyable. She can still have her TV or whatever will make her feel at home. Point out the advantages. But DON'T back down. DON'T feel guilty. You will be better off, and almost certainly, so will she.
Several people here have said the promise you CAN make is to always do what gives her the best care she needs. That's a promise you can keep.
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