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I just moved my Mom to my home (long distance drive) and my Mom thinks she is with me for a 1 week visit. The fact is her house was sold and I don't know what to say to her.
Thanks for the advice. Later today she didn't say anything about a "visit" and said she is happy to be with me. She does keep asking me if her house was sold and I just say yes and nothing more. She seems more relaxed compared to when she was living with my abusive brother. She's not a victim in her own home anymore.
I told her (and I meant this with all my heart) that I'm so happy to have her with me and she said "but I'm a pain" and I assured her she is not a pain and no trouble at all and she answered "really?"
I know this is an adjustment for both of us but I'm really happy to finally help my Mom. :-) Jenna
" mom, it's so lovely to have you here. How about staying a few more days?"
Is mom asking questions? If she's not, i wouldn't bring up the topic. Treat this "visit" like a visit. Only address the issue if mom raises it. Can you tell her a little therapeutic fib about there being some work being done on the house if she asks?
You have taken on a tremendous responsibility and you are an angel. However when a child takes on the responsibility of caring for a parent, all legal documents your parents have created should be reviewed by an attorney. Do not end up in the role of caretaker only to find out an uninvolved sibling can make the final health or financial decisions because of previously drawn up documents by your parents. Only take on the care taker role if you have full control over all decisions. I learned this lesson while taking care of my mother.
My Dad, who lives in a senior living apartment, he is staying in a hotel and wants to go home. I said different things to try to make him focus a bit clearer but nothing much worked until I asked him about the weather... right away he was back in the here and now.... so try to find a subject that your Mom loves to talk about to help re-direct her thinking :)
Expand on Babalou's theme of telling her how much you enjoy having her there with you, begin having her help you with small things and help her feel useful, then gradually segue into asking her if she'll stay a bit longer because you enjoy her company so much and because it's so pleasant to have her there.
I am assuming that your mom has dementia. If she isn't combative - then you are extremely lucky. I sold my mother's house and she now lives with me. There were times that she remembered and times that she didn't remember. As the disease progressed - when she spoke of her home - she spoke of her childhood home. So sad to see her decline.
My advice - you mentioned an abusive sibling - I have one also. To protect yourself and if you haven't done so already please get all legal papers, POA in order. I totally agree with caringson12; you need to be able to make all the decisions for you mom. Shortly after mom moved with me; we went to an elder care attorney. You never know what an abusive sibling will do or what they have already done with legal documents.
We are keeping mom's house and constructing a suite for her in our home. Our daughter is in the honor's program at her highschool. We have mom living in her suite during the school year and we will live at her house in the summer. Yes, it is not easy, but her joy of knowing she can "go home" any time she wants is well worth it. This living situation was approved by her doctors. They were quite thrilled. It is also prolonging her life. We have excellent doctors, a fantastic lawyer, and a talented contractor. All these people have been a blessing in helping mom during this difficult time.
JennaRose: I would definitely go with the mindset to tell her "it's so nice here; why don't you stay a while longer?" That way "a while" can be an undetermined amount of time. Then see if she's forgotten all about "going home," which is quite likely to happen. On the downside, caregiving is extremely draining so you indeed ARE an angel.
Thanks everyone! I met with an Elder Care Attorney a while back with my Mom who gave me POA of her financial and medical. I never heard of Advanced Directive before so thanks for that! I will look into that. My Mom has a living will which has my abusive brother on it and myself.
Anyway, my Mom told me today she needs to go back home to get her winter clothes and other things and I just gently let her know that I will take care of everything. Even though her house was sold I didn't go to closing yet because my abusive brother is refusing to move out. I am talking to a different attorney about starting the eviction process.
It's sad to see my Mom in the early stages of dementia but I'm very patient with her. She tells me that she's a pain and I reassure her that's she's not but a true pleasure to have her in my home. When she lived in another state I felt so helpless because I could only help her so much long distance. My brother wouldn't drive her to her doctors, wouldn't buy food for her, etc., etc. I used to order food to be delivered to her. Now I have been out shopping quite a bit and she has everything she needs.
I can't express the peace I feel that I can finally help her now that she's living with me.
Thanks again and if I have any more questions I will be sure to ask away. I'm open to all types of advice since I never dealt with dementia before.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I told her (and I meant this with all my heart) that I'm so happy to have her with me and she said "but I'm a pain" and I assured her she is not a pain and no trouble at all and she answered "really?"
I know this is an adjustment for both of us but I'm really happy to finally help my Mom. :-) Jenna
" mom, it's so lovely to have you here. How about staying a few more days?"
Is mom asking questions? If she's not, i wouldn't bring up the topic. Treat this "visit" like a visit. Only address the issue if mom raises it. Can you tell her a little therapeutic fib about there being some work being done on the house if she asks?
My advice - you mentioned an abusive sibling - I have one also. To protect yourself and if you haven't done so already please get all legal papers, POA in order. I totally agree with caringson12; you need to be able to make all the decisions for you mom. Shortly after mom moved with me; we went to an elder care attorney. You never know what an abusive sibling will do or what they have already done with legal documents.
Good luck
Anyway, my Mom told me today she needs to go back home to get her winter clothes and other things and I just gently let her know that I will take care of everything. Even though her house was sold I didn't go to closing yet because my abusive brother is refusing to move out. I am talking to a different attorney about starting the eviction process.
It's sad to see my Mom in the early stages of dementia but I'm very patient with her. She tells me that she's a pain and I reassure her that's she's not but a true pleasure to have her in my home. When she lived in another state I felt so helpless because I could only help her so much long distance. My brother wouldn't drive her to her doctors, wouldn't buy food for her, etc., etc. I used to order food to be delivered to her. Now I have been out shopping quite a bit and she has everything she needs.
I can't express the peace I feel that I can finally help her now that she's living with me.
Thanks again and if I have any more questions I will be sure to ask away. I'm open to all types of advice since I never dealt with dementia before.
Jenna
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