My mom (83, undiagnosed dementia because she refuses to see a geriatrician) still lives in the same house she raised us in. It's way too big for her and she refuses to downsize. Anyway, that's not the issue I am fighting today.
She has a large yard that needs maintenance in addition to just mowing. Limb trimming, garden weeding, planting, etc. My mom is not poor, and can well afford to pay for these things. She just doesn't want to part with her money, and thinks I can do it all myself. I can do a lot, but I am 56 and have MS. I don't have the stamina to haul stuff to the curb, and I am too short to do much limb trimming. I can get her handyman to help me for probably $100. She is adamant that she will not pay him for that, he has already done her raking and will continue to mow for her, and she doesn't want to pay "a fortune". She also says "your brother will do this, your brother will do that". My brother lives seven hours away, works full time, and has a family. He isn't her chore monkey.
I have POA and I can just pay him with her money, but she will know he is there and will want to know how he is being paid. If I tell her I am paying, presumably with my own money, she will get angry and then end up paying him herself and resent me for it.
After six years I had enough.
I just explain to her that from now on, you have the money either you pay me, pay someone else get one of your useless family members to finally contribute to the upkeep or it does not get done.
Be firm but polite and do not back down. She is your mother, she is expected to be respectful towards you.
Action:
Mom. Who paid for it?
You. You did. It’s $100 for the handyman. It’s $2000 to take the trees down.
Mom: Take the trees down!! Why would I take the trees down?
You: To save time. I don’t have time to have this conversation again.
(No laughing while you deliver this line. Chore monkeys are not allowed to laugh)
Pick up your purse and keys and exit.
Next problem.
Ignore with love. That's they way to do it. Ignore her until she gets over her tantrum and becomes reasonable again.
Also seems most things she needs for safety or hygiene she gets upset that I buy them out of HER money. Such as bibs to protect her clothes because she has a lot of spills when eating and commode liners to keep down the smell and facilitate cleanup of the bedside commode. She even told me she "didn't need" a walker tray to put her plate and other items on when she is seated, but I bought it anyway and she uses it everyday. She never once said thank you or that it was a good purchase. *shrug*
You, on the other hand, need to have a pretty bad back ache or other pain in the presence of your mom - can't do this today because my back still acting up and from what the dr said, it might not get better if I climb a ladder, lift something, etc. Your ache is going to have to be around long enough for her to get used to other 'paid' people are doing her chores.
Doing this kind of work is ridiculous. They get so bent out of shape over a blade of grass or a drooping tree branch that could literally be taken care of in ten minutes for 100 bucks, BY SOMEONE ELSE. Your health is not worth “make my yard look nice and I don’t want to pay for it so it’s all you.” No way.
What a great idea! Thinking back, I didn't do this. I might ignore the demand, and actually often my mother did forget about it. But eventually (sometimes very soon) she was back at it, making a ridiculous demand. But for some people who assume that the child will do it all, it will force them to come right out and say, "YOU do it!" And some that expect the child to offer will find it uncomfortable to get to the point of demanding it from the child.