So, dad with mid-stage dementia who is still very capable physically. He was living at home with my mother, but getting wiggy for the last 1-2 years about people, place/home and time. Mom said she was done with him, told me to get him out of the house and she never wanted to see him again! I placed him in a local memory care ALF two months ago. Now that he's adjusted, she IS going to visit him, she feels very guilty, says she should have tried harder, and wants to bring him home. Has anybody here brought someone with dementia home from an ALF? Mom lives alone, I am an only child, we have no family support, and mom says she will refuse any home health care, at all. So I see my life falling apart again soon...
So, don't cooperate. Say "no".
Your mother might play at being unhappy, but it might be her way of absolving herself of blame. This way she can say to friends " well, I wanted to bring him home, but my daughter refuses to do her part".
Let her have her self-comforting fiction.
If she won't listen to you, get the social worker and her doctor involved in the discussion.
When your Mom visits your Dad, I doubt it is for the whole day and into the night. She has either forgotten or is in denial of all the work that was involved. Seeing a loved one for an hour or so, it will seem easy to take of the person. It's the guilt talking, as you already know. Curious, is your Mom afraid to be living alone?
Now, to convince Mom to let Dad stay where he is currently living. That is great how your Dad had adjusted to his new home so quickly, you are lucky with that. And I bet he likes it better than being at home.... your Mom could start going back to her old ways, snippy and snarling at Dad.
Is there a third person that your Mom trusts and would listen to? I know she probably won't listen to you, we are just kids and what do we know :P Or have her have a conference with the Staff at the Assisted Living... they are pretty good at convincing.
I remember when I was called in for a meeting as the Staff said it was time to move my Dad from Independent Living over to Memory Care... say what? They said it was time, and I didn't want to believe them, but they were soooo very right.