My mother was not a narcissist or abusive etc - she was decent. She was not the greatest and my brother's wife always points out her flaws but to me she was ok....my childhood was actually good. After raising my kids and knowing what actually goes into motherhood, I feel mom did her best.
Yet, I have started resenting her now that I'm caring for her. Some of you know my story of getting mom from India. Yesterday I had replied to one poster whose mom needed help with her passport. My reply to this poster got me thinking that even good parents are resented when dementia sets in and they depend too much on their child. Anyone here feel the same way? This resentment is now pricking me suddenly.
((I know mom needs to be in MC etc but since mom has not worked here and is a recent arrival, she doesn't get any Medicaid/Medicare for another 5 years at least and we are using our funds to pay for her pvt insurance.))
Yesterday I had taken my inlaws and mom for a small outing to a store which was not crowded. Mom was sitting and then stood up when she couldn't see me. I was in her view most of the time but stepped away for a minute. FIL rushed to me and said "ur mom is standing up" and I was like, "wth? Can you not tell her that I'm in the next aisle" This burden of being the point person for even minor things really annoyed me for a minute.
Btw, my ILs are awesome and I'm really grateful to them.
I am an only child, so there is no one else who can take care of mom. Her brother-in-law and sister each stay with her one night a week so I can get a break. We also have an overnight caregiver for her two nights a week, so I do get a bit of a break from her. But the responsibility is always there, it never goes away and I do resent it. Sometimes I get very angry at her for not having planned her life better so that this wouldn't happen. I also resent the expectation that I am the one who must take care of her, and I think that's what you are reacting to when your in-laws came to you. I suspect there's a strong cultural component here. I am not American in my culture (most every culture actually) it is women who are expected to take care of elders.
Is it possible that your resentment isn't so much towards your mom but this cultural expectation that it is your responsibility to take care of her? Whatever it is, I just wanted to give you some reassurance that you are not a monster, or an evil person. Your feelings are valid and they matter. It is inevitable that you will have these unpleasant feelings frequently during this journey. My mom also has dementia (I should have said this sooner) and this evil disease really complicates everything. I often find myself wishing that she would die soon because really I don't see that she has any quality of life now and it is only going to get worse.
I'm an only son. My father passed away almost 21 years ago. Not only was my mother dealing with the aforementioned issues, she didn't drive due to the seizures. So I became the "surrogate husband", taking her on errands and to doctors appointments. We lived close so it was okay. I had a demanding career and knew my Saturdays were gone but still made time for myself.
We all moved to another state in 2006, and I arranged for my mother to live in a 55+ community. She had friends there and someone I hired to take her on errands so I would simply visit on Saturdays. The pressure diminished temporarily. She was 25 miles away but I always made the drive.
4 years ago we moved her to into Assisted Living. She was fine there for a while but is now in the "transition" phase of hospice. There are days when she is incoherent and only drinks sips of water and days where she is lucid and hungry again for solid food. To avoid resentment, I don't make the drive every day but know she is in good hands and there is nothing I can personally do to make it better. I visit a couple of times a week just to let her know I care and say my potential "goodbyes" just in case.
I do have some resentment for being responsible for her for 21 years. I could have been living in a mansion for what I've paid to Assisted Living and I've given up so much of my life when I know children of elderly parents that see them maybe once a year But in the end I know it is my responsibility as her only child to see that she is comfortable and happy until the end of her life. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling resentment from time to time. You are clearly doing everything possible to take care of your mother.
I'm still in shock and disbelief that mom has dementia exactly like her father! And I have to hold her hand in this long, painful journey..smh....
Netflix and Prime video are good distractions sometimes:-)
I got upset because I hated how FIL just expected me to run to mom because she stood up! He could've assured her that weary is just in the next aisle
I also wanted to hear from people if they hate caring for parents who are good people and not monsters. This intensity of being the be-all for an ailing parent is just too much.
So, how to find balance? You probably know all this already, but it works. You need to take time for you and push all responsibilities and possible guilt aside, and live in the moment. Appreciate the moment, whether it’s grocery shopping, or having that cup of tea in silence. Far too often we reminisce about the past (good times past, past wrongs, or past mistakes), or we stress too much about the future (what do I do if…, how do I keep my cool when…). However, how often do we stop and focus on the here and right now? I find that mindfully doing that whenever I can helps me compartmentalize my responsibilities to so many people, and I can more easily push it all aside and just think about this exact moment.
Best of luck finding your balance.
My Mom too was a good Mom. But I was always the "go to" child. Girl and oldest of 3, 2 boys. I can't do needy. I too don't like someone relying on me fully. Its part of the desease, though. Be thankful you have in-laws who are willing to help and can still care for themselves. With your job you can at least get out of the house.
There's not much you can do other than hire some in-home caregivers to help with her. Or see if family members will take her different days of the week to stay with them to give you a break.
I think anyone that is "tied down" at some point feels resentful.
It is a loss of freedom in some respect. I can be perfectly happy staying at home, doing things or nothing at all around the house. But my car has a problem and it is in for service for a few days and I go stir crazy. I loved my Husband VERY much but there were times when I did not have a caregiver for an extended period of time and yes there were times I felt resentful.
We all have to learn how to "handle" the person with dementia. Maybe FIL did not know what to do when your mom stood up looking for you. If he was right next to her he might have been able to stop her from standing. He could have reassured her that you were right there. Was either of your In Laws talking to her? If they were talking to each other and ignoring mom I can see how she would feel alone.
Your mom will shadow you because you are the one she relies on, she knows so expect that. But do get her used to having someone else help out.
Can you get a caregiver to come in and help out a day or two a week? That would help you. And please don't forget the rest of your family husband, kids if any, they need just as much attention as mom does.
My kids are young adults and I'm an empty nester now..I do my best to be attentive to my husband & ILs...thank for your advice:-))