How do you prove this? Mother is discreet about transactions for grandson. Previously provided houses and college tuition (never used for that purpose, it was fraud). Currently pays on cosigned loan for car, cash whenever he calls with weekly emergency medical, electrical, etc. This is only the stuff I know about.
Where to start? Thank you.
One question I have is this. Is she even competent to be shelling out that kind of money? Helping with expenses when you're able and of sound mind is one thing but people taking advantage is another. It sounds like someone may very well be taking advantage of the elder. It sounds like she has very good intentions to see her family get ahead, but does she know the difference between helping and enabling?
It sounds to me like the person milking her for money needs to start taking a little bit of responsibility and stop depending on her as much as he is now. You may want to ask him what he will do when one day she is no longer around and he doesn't inherit anything. This is a tough question I personally would ask him now so that he can hopefully realize and start taking responsibility.
Meanwhile, you may actually want to get her mentally evaluated to check her competency. If she happens to be incompetent, I would go for guardianship and take over all of her financial affairs and stop this other person from getting any more money if she happens to have been incompetent for quite some time. I would also go after the money he wrongfully took, but make him re-pay with interest. You may actually need a lawyer for this if you find out she's been in competent all along. If she's been in competent all along, this may very well be how he's been getting money from her.
However, if she's competent, I'm not sure there's going to be much you can do, but you may actually consider talking to her about becoming her POA. You may want to be in a position where you can somehow take over her financial affairs to some level or another.
You may also want to talk to her about getting her final expenses arranged such as a preneed for her funeral. She's going to need money for her final disposition, and she should take the money she's giving him and pay on a preneed that you make only through the funeral home. If she died today and has no money, she can blame herself if she has nothing to pay for her funeral and disposition. She really needs to start taking some of her own responsibility and she needs to think of her future and start paying on a preneed with the money she's giving him. Instead of giving it to him, put that toward a preneed policy
Will you be the one who has to take care of your mother because she has no money to take care of herself?
SSD and other facilities for help. "I" made his major decisions but I was too hard on him when I expected him to do. His disabilities don't keep him from getting a shower daily, which he needs and she says everyother day is OK. He can clean up after himself vacumm and do dishes. But she didn't expect him to do this. Now Mom is in an AL and he is living in her home till its sold...I expect him to do. I could not get thru to her why she had to let him do. Eventually, he will be on his own and will need to know basic skills.
Yes, the grandson is committing financial exploitation, no matter how willing your mother.
Get that POA signed and notarized and dive in with both feet. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO! Seems like you've been muddling about with "concerns" for far too long. As daddy would say "fish or cut bait". Either (legally) confront this moocher with all the force you can muster or let it go and literally forget about it, and let it continue.
My brother was a huge mooch. He felt 'entitled' and mother just gave and gave. She "gave" herself into losing her home, the respect of the other 5 kids in the family and actually, the respect of the "moocher" who thought it was hilarious that he could just show up, look pathetic and mother was scrabbling for the checkbook.
The other 5 of us (and dad!) talked ourselves blue in the face, begging her to stop enabling him to basically rob her. We all gave up. He died, having taken over $150,000 in home equity (that is from 1985, so I don't even know what it would be in today's $$) Silverware, antiques, coin collections, you name it.
It NEVER stopped. Dad put mom on a cash only basis, but as he was bedbound with Parkinson's--well, that just made it a little harder to give him large sums of money.
This brother is now deceased. We honestly sighed from relief, we were all worried he'd take every single penny from mother. He sure tried.
I wish you luck. I personally didn't get involved when all this was going on---he owed everyone in the family money when he died.
Good Luck--really. This is going to be ugly. (However, if your mother is doing this with a clear mind and without coercion, you probably can't do much. You don't say much about how SHE feels about this.
What it boils down to is that you feel he is getting way more than his fair share of mom's assets and he is not particularly worthy of them. (He's 'living high' rather than paying for a child's medical treatment or some other reason that you might see as deserving).
There's a whole lot of judging going on here. That's not to say that I wouldn't feel exactly the same way, just that you ought to identify your motives so you can be clear-headed in your planning.
I'd start by telling my nephew directly that I'm worried about Mom's finances and am thinking about calling in an elder law attorney or the county's senior protection office to take a look. I'd have a conversation with my sister about it beforehand. Maybe the two of you could talk to the nephew together.
Be sure get the POA before you do anything like this – you can download one on a site like Legal Zoom and take mom to get it notarized.
You are right, I shouldn't have to do this alone, that is part of the stress. My dad and two of three sisters who want something done are in different parts of country. I could ask dad to pay for legal consultations, he can certainly afford it (we discussed this when he was here, he talks to mom, gets upset about it, but does nothing). He is ninety with minor heart issues. Thanks again for suggestions.
Also, if the rest of the family is on board that this 'sponging' has to stop, I would call a family meeting and discuss this. You shouldn't have to go this alone.
You are right, it is madness. After much research there seems to be more recognition that elder financial exploitation is a huge problem in our society. There is also very little advice on specific steps one can take to stop the abuse. I think that the advice in prior posts to talk to an attorney is good. I hope that others with similar situations will post over time with their experience and suggestions.
I suppose that complete lack guidance from mostly absent father (out of the picture now); no male authority figure for guidance. Only a guess, of course.
Everyone in my family wants this to stop and I am thinking that it is up to me to address it, to find a solution. It really weighs on me every day.
Thanks.
Thanks for reply,
My sister stopped support (not spoiling) my nephew when she remarried, that is when he turned to my mom.
Five years ago immediately after mom's heart problems started my dad wrote a very specific email instructing grandson to stop relying on mom. Today that dependency is worse than ever.
I think that you are correct that consult with attorney would be first step. Mom has agreed to have me as POA for health care and finances. I believe that is only if she becomes disabled and unable to manage finances. I should get that completed right away.
There is already major tension in family (three sisters and father) over this very issue. Thanks for the advice, POA and attorney consult is first step.
You might see a lawyer about how to give the grandson formal notice to desist. On the other hand: to the outside observer his behaviour is just disgusting. Sponging off an old lady like this! Are you not able to tell him so, clearly but tactfully?
But if your mother transferred the money to him without asking for documentation and of her own free will, where's the fraud? His excuses and reasons might have been lies, but they don't amount to fraud.
I think you don't have Power of Attorney for your mother, do you? So you have no formal responsibility to protect her interests?
You are clearly concerned about creating tension and conflict in the family.
You have no actionable evidence of fraud or financial abuse.
So essentially, you're just appalled by your nephew's cheerful exploitation of his grandmother. And who wouldn't be?
Is there a family lawyer you might have a constructive conversation with?
Recent money transfers for medical, etc. are the ones I am not sure about, there is no expense documentation, so I wonder if this could be construed as fraud, and maybe easier to prove than elder abuse.
My mother has indulged her grandchild for 15+ years, ever since his mom remarried to new husband who will not tolerate any assistance. They live large. They turn a blind eye to the situation.
To start I will talk with my mom, and grandson.
Would you recommend law enforcement or elder law attorney, or wait on this. This would be sure to stir things up with whole family, and not sure how to prove elder abuse or fraud.
However I cannot sit idly by and see mom's savings be mishandled. I really appreciate your thoughtful response, glad found this site.
your mother
your nephew
your nephew's parents
and explain that payments given to this young man by his grandmother must be accounted for in any case. And, if Medicaid may ultimately come into it too, you could also point out that these sums will then need to be repaid.
You say your mother provided him with "houses." ?! I can understand a person claiming he needed to pay college tuition fees and actually going ski-ing instead, but how could there be a similar sleight of hand over a whole house? Let alone more than one?
Regarding co-signatures on loans, and similar undertakings such as guarantees, you need to tell your nephew to stop asking her. Be blunt about it. You can try telling your mother to stop doing it but the odds are that as soon as nephew wheedles she'll forget everything you've said. So you have to tackle him.
On the abuse question: has it always been your mother's habit to indulge this grandchild in this way? Going all the way back? If so, he's more carrying on a regrettable tradition than abusing her vulnerability in old age. Nevertheless, now that she is older and more frail, it is time to call a halt in any case.
Is there any reason why you can't expect his parents' co-operation?
All you can do is try to advise her that later down the road if she needs Medicaid to help pay for her care and housing, she may not get it right away because Medicaid will consider the loans, tuition, and any money handed over to Grandson as "gifts", which any of this was done within the past 5 years. This will be complex for an elder to understand.
If Mom is not handling her finances well, see if she will allow you to help her as long as you have financial Power of Attorney. Hopefully she has all her legal documents in order, POA, Living Will, etc. I know for my Dad when I asked him if I could help him write out his checks for bills, he was more than happy to hand over the whole responsibility.