Mom's Memory Care Director says her roommate has a right to have her male friend lying on her bed constantly. What can we do?

Mom told us there was a man on her bed when she went to her room. It was something she had dreamt and thought it was real. Make sure, with your own eyes, that this is a real man and not a delusion.

After re-reading your original statements, when you say he "threatened" you and your mother. How did he "threaten" you? People with dementia say and do things that unaffected people don't understood and misread. In any event, statements made by people with dementia cannot be prosecuted. If you are having such an issue with this, move your mother. Romances in nursing homes is healthy. Why deny people their last "fling". This is their last chance.

I think the Memory Care Director is wrong in saying the roommate has a right to have her male friend lying on her bed constantly. Even if that is true, your mother also has the right to have ONLY the woman as her roommate if that is what she wants as well. That invades your mother's privacy and I don't think there is a law that says she can't do anything about it. If it comes down to it, consult an attorney to see what can be done if the director won't take care of it. Maybe the male has also threatened her as well and she's afraid to confront him. Whatever the reason, either the police and/or attorney should be able to take care of this situation.

Well, I don't know about the roommate but WaypointCoach, it really doesn't matter what, if anything, they do in the bed! This is a roommate situation and both people should be able to live in their room without fear of another person, especially a man, either doing something to her mother for complaining and the impropriety of another person living there free of charge. This lady is paying for a semi-private room with ONE roommate and that's all she should have to put up with. The other woman should be paying attention to her roommate and her wishes. If she wants to cuddle, either get her approval or at least for her to say "no problem" or he shouldn't be staying there. He probably doesn't have anywhere to go and he's taking advantage of the woman and the roommate. He sounds dangerous, especially if he's threatened both this woman and her mother for asking him to leave. I would be there in the morning and demand his removal and a call to the local police about the threats should help get him out of there. No telling what he's already stolen. VanityMom, either you are paying or Medicaid is paying for your mother's half of the room and she shouldn't be subjected to a man living 10 feet away, especially when she's trying to dress and/or undress. This is unacceptable and should be fixed immediately. Don't be terrified about it, bring the police with you when you come. If the other woman complains, it it the responsibility of the NH to either make arrangements for the other woman where she can have her male friend with her, or put your mother in another room so she doesn't have to share with the opposite sex. Stand your ground and make sure your mother's wishes are carried out. Good luck, you have your hands full in the next few days.

From what the original poster described, it looks like the director has already been contacted. However, there should also be ahead department of nursing unless the two are the same person.

I just thought of an idea:

Have you actually gotten the nerve to just ask questions to the person visiting this roommate? You'll have to think of how to do it in a proper manner you get the answers you need. I'm not sure how to break the ice on this one but it's definitely worth a shot. I guess what you could try is just saying that you've noticed he's here visiting your mom's roommate an awful lot. Ask if he happens to be her son or a close relative. I would only ask when there is a staff member in the room with you all. You don't want to be alone in the room when you try to break the ice, have others in the room with you. If you can take the next step, maybe even ask if he happens to be her boyfriend if he's not a close relative. In fact, this may actually be what you have to do first and foremost, just ask him if he happens to be her boyfriend. If he is, you may want to be very wary of this because the closer the person is to someone in a memory care facility, the more likely it may be for them to secretly be influencing the patient for financial gain as well as future assets. I'm not saying it's true in all cases because it's not. However, it does happen sometimes, and this is something you can bring to the attention of the proper channels. I'm not sure whether or not you've got the nerve to confront him yourself, but this is something I'd sure be thinking about how to do if I were in your shoes, because if no one else will do anything, that's when it's up to visitors to start speaking up and speaking out. Any time I've ever visited someone in a nursing home, I personally have never ever seen anyone laying double in any of those beds. This will definitely catch my curiosity because I would start to wonder, especially if the patient happens to be in a memory care facility.

You don't know that this so called 'friend' is not sexually molesting the patient, which is why you really need to speak up and make a stink about it until something is done. If you suspect the patient is probably being sexually molested in some way, it's up to you to say so when you confront the staff. Maybe this is what they need to hear in order to approach the situation a differently. Maybe this is also what the cops need to hear should you decide to make a report on your own. If the nursing home won't do nothing, you can.

You have the power of the Internet. You've taken the first step by speaking up on here.

Since I happen to be a writer, I have another trick up my sleeve that I have very successfully used to raise awareness to various problems, and I have seen very positive results after publication. Here's my secret trick:

If your newspaper has a letter to the editor, you can write a letter to the editor to raise awareness in your town. If you know how to write the letter just right, you can write it without getting your letter declined and still get a point across. If you don't feel comfortable sharing the name facility name, you can omit it, meaning leave it out. Here's how I was taught to get the best attention for an article:

First you want to start out by opening with something good. Say everything you have to say and gradually blend into the problem. Saying in a polite and professional manner, and gradually is out of it back into something good. In other words, it's kind of like making a sandwich if you think about it.

Here's an example:
Opening with something good

You can open your letter to the editor by stating how appreciative you are of have the availability of facilities for those who need them, because had it not been for a proper care facility, families would have to struggle through caring for someone with a problem families may not be cut out to deal with.

Blend into the problem that concerns you

Blend into the problem you notice with visitation. How I would word the letter to the editor is that first, when you mention the problem, start out by saying that you really appreciate being able to visit other residents you know at the facilities.
However, now you want to make mention that when you visit your loved ones at facilities, mention your thoughts about seeing visitors there a little too often and making themselves at home in the resident's bedroom. Remind everyone that those rooms are for the paying residents because the residents live there, not the visitors. Visitors are visitors who are not paying to stay there and should not be given the same rights as a paying resident. Reminder everyone in your article that you don't think it's fair to the paying residents when a visitor comes in and makes themselves at home in a residence room when they're not paying to stay there, this is unfair to the paying residents with visitors who come in and take over part or all of the room. It's kind of like when you're dropping it on someone and mooching off of them. The residents don't really have that much to offer but their company. Visitors should be more responsible when visiting residents at any facility, related or not.
You can then say that you really would like to go in to visit and not have to face such a problem because a facility is really designed for the peace and safety of each resident. Staff are supposed to be trained to provide for and protect each resident that they take responsibility for, this is what each resident is paying for. When a resident is paying for something they're not getting, this goes against what their pay what they are paying for, and you'd really like to see residents get what they're paying for.
Mention that you really want to see each resident get what they're paying for without visitors taking over anyone's room.

Closing

Close by saying that you really appreciate the people out there willing to take care of the love ones of families who cannot care for them.
Mention again your appreciation for the facilities available to residents who need them and that you'd really like to see equality of protection for all residents. You can also mention that you're a strong believer in they are being good still in mankind. Perhaps you can send a suggestion to visitors who insist on staying with someone for extended times. You can suggest in closing that perhaps very regular visitors who spend a lot of time at the facility can start volunteering. For instance, if you visit someone a lot and spend a lot of time with them when they're in a facility, perhaps you can start helping with their care because if a facility is understaffed and the demand is high, staff may very well appreciate extra help. Another suggestion you can also make is if the visitor spends lots of time at the facility with one specific person, they can show out somebody and actually buy their own meals, because any money raised most likely stays in that facility to help keep it open for people who need it.

When you're done, you sign your name to the article, put your phone number (not published) so the editor can call you to confirm you're the one who wrote the letter. You also put your location but not your specific whereabouts, just the town where you live.

* Raising the awareness of the town will definitely put some heat on the facility who won't do anything to remedy any concerns others have.

You have the power of social media. You can take pictures and video to upload onto social media as well as YouTube. Only do this if the nursing home lets this go on. If you must go this far, definitely get a video which shows what's going on as well as the man's face. Be sure to get video of the facility where this is going on and say in your video what the name of the facility is and where it's located. Your video has the power to alert the public because other people have loved ones in that facility just like you do. If no one else is going to do anything and you see suspicious activity, you definitely need to speak up and expose it in anyway you possibly can in order to raise awareness to the public.

The power to change things is in the hands of the people. What they do with that power is really up to them. Don't think that just because you don't work there but you don't have power to raise awareness and make a difference, you have more power than you think. Using that power can actually save lives believe it or not.

I would talk to someone higher up but move when another room is available. She may find a better roommate.

Your Mom is a paying resident, and even with a roommate, has the right to feel safe, secure, and has the right to be afforded some privacy. It MAY be the right of the other roommate to have a "guest" visit, but laying on the bed together is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! This just breaches visitor decorum to me (and I'm no prude). Take the proactive approach and nip this in the bud, once and for all. You are your Mother's best advocate.

You have received many good suggestions. All the responders certainly want to know more about the male visitor; if there are any relatives to talk to ; the frequency and duration of the visit; is it you or your mother who is upset and the overall responsibility of the facility.
You might request/demand a meeting with the responsible parties of the two other residents and include someone else in a higher position. ( use a video meeting if necessary). It sounds like you need more than just the current director. Anyone who threatens violence needs to be reported to the management or higher authorities as it would certainly pose a liability to them if something did occur.
What you should also ask yourself....what do you want and what are you willing to do to reach your desired goal?

Keep us posted. and Best of Luck

THERE IS NO WAY THE STAFF SHOULD BE ALLOWING THIS! GO TO THE DIRECTOR!

This is the problem in sharing a room. Both residents have rights. Is there not a curtain between the two beds that can be closed.

OK, my first thought was that as long as he's not doing anything wrong then there shouldn't be anything to worry about.

If he is doing something, then this is something to be very concerned about.

You mention that your mom is in memory care. What I would do first is find out discreetly what is really going on.

You mentioned that as soon as the man is escorted out, he immediately returns. It sounds to me like something is definitely off when this happens. Were the cops ever called? If by chance the cops were called, they would have more authority to take proper action. What I would do if I were you and I happen to be there is the pay close attention to what's going on right up to the time he is escorted out and immediately returns.
Do you know any the roommate's family members? If so, pay close attention to when they come in and quietly slip a note to whoever the roommates family member is that you happen to know. It could be inside of a nice card if you know the family member well enough. This would help break the ice. You can write the note and fold it up and place it inside the card, making it presentable. You can then put it in a nice envelope. After that concealed note changes hands, you just let the family handle it.

Since you mentioned memory care, one thing to consider is that you don't know that this "friend" may or may not be working on the roommate for financial or asset gain later down the road. Anyone who happens to be in memory care has a certain level of vulnerability and even incompetence. If you happen to also know this roommate very well, perhaps when this roommate has a break where they are normal again, they may reveal key information to you. If you know this roommate, just listen to them talk and let them talk, because you never know what they'll say.

Another thing to consider is after you leave the nursing home, have you ever tried going to the cops yourself? I do like the mention of quietly taking photographs for proof. You could also quietly take a short video as well from a safe location. Just do it in such a manner where no one knows you're doing it. What I would do is act like you're checking your phone but be in a position that makes others think you're either texting, checking email or other messages when really you're secretly recording. What you want to do in a video recording is pick up as much audio from the person in question as possible. Yes, also pick up visual as well. From this point on I would just focus on gathering evidence that way and taking it to the cops first. Then when a police report has been made, you can then contact the head department of nursing of that nursing home. If you can get an email for that administrator, you can email photos or videos to that email address. Just make sure you say in the message body that there are attachments and what's in them.

Try to be polite and professional when addressing this matter. Definitely mention that you're seriously considering moving your mom to another facility because of the unresolved problem/s.

What I would suggest is that if this man happens to have a criminal background, proper channels can consider supervising him accordingly or even banning him altogether depending on the severity of the past crime. If you can get a facial picture for the cops, cops can somehow take what you have and run it through their database. If they happen to recognize him, they'll know whether or not he's a criminal, and if he is, what he did.

When you make the police report, you may want to ask the responding officer if this happens to be a dangerous person. If it is, you'll definitely want to request that the nursing home is alerted to that particular person so they can have a heads up and act accordingly. You want to be especially wary if he happens to be on the local sex offender list.

Definitely pull up your local sex offender list and probe around until you find the mugshots with the names. Scroll down to see if you recognize any of the mugshots. Focus on only that one person you're looking for, and if his picture shows up on the list, definitely use the provided link and report it to the sheriff. The sheriff will look into it if you give them any information, (you can remain anonymous). You definitely want to do some digging just in case because you'd rather be safe than sorry. If you happen to find this so called 'friend' is on the sex offender list, definitely alert the nursing home administration.

would contact every authority and legal I could think of. I think we have heard plenty of stories involving rape in nursing homes. document everything and if anything really bad happens, sue the pants off them.

My experience of this was simply annoying and short lived. When i had my hip replaced my room mate had her knee done and was not problem. Her husband however came every morning at the crack of dawn in time to clean up her breakfast tray. He also turned on the TV to CNN which continued all day. I had the window bed and overtime my curtains were drawn he would wander past to look out the window till the nurses threw him out. He was there every meal time hovering over her tray. I felt so sorry for her. She looked over at my husband and when she left told me I had a real good looking husband, could not return the compliment I am afraid. As an aside I am often asked if it is my husband or son!
He is only one year younger than me. Guess I am off topic but thought i would share.

It is irrelevant what the 2 are doing. The fact that it infringes on your moms rights, security has been involved, and you and your mom are being threatened and intimidated is of grave concern. Being a memory care unit it is possible that the other resident is not able to make rational decisions. Is the male alert and oriented and the resident not? No matter what you need to take swift action. I would contact the licensing agency ie: state board , the administrator, and the local ombudsman. You mom has rights and they are being violated. Visitors are a reasonable expectation expecially in a semi-private room. A constant visitor that exceeds what would be considered usual ( staying all day, everyday and into the evening.) means that your mom no longer has the reasonable expectation of privacy herself. Do not be intimidated and start looking for another place for your mom if that's possible so you are prepared for whatever occurs . Let the administrator know your concerns and do not do this when you are in an agitated state. Being reasonable and calm with documented information will get you a lot further than being wicked. Let them know your concerns are not only for your mom but for other residents as well. Tell them exactly what the Director has told you and that you feel that you are being ignored and your mom is being subjected to a form of harrasment. Nicely let them know that you will be contacting other agencies if the situation is not recitified. Remember - the roommate is entitled to have visitors - not a live-in. Be open to making a compromise that will work in everyones benefit.
Good luck.

You and your mother have the right to feel safe and be safe. Especially your mother because she is living where she is living. Her roommate may have the right to companionship but not at the expense of putting others at risk. Let the people who are supposed to be in charge that you are not moving her to another room. The other woman who has this boyfriend would most likely have another roommate if your mother moved to another room. Then the same thing would keep happening but to someone else and that someone else would probably end up getting hurt. Then what would they do if that happens?

In a situation like this, the appropriate resolution is for the director to require that the roommate's family move her to a private suite. Not your mother. It is the behavior of the roommate (and her friend) that cannot be tolerated in a shared room.
Dementia unit romances are a real challenge for communities. Do you know how the woman's family is feeling about the situation? It may be that they are against it (and therefore wouldn't agree to a move to a private room) and the director is trying to find the 'path of least resistance' (you moving your mom so they can continue to provide lip service to the roommate's family about discouraging the relationship while actually not doing much at all).
If you're really happy with this community, I'd give them some time to move the woman out of your mom's suite. However, this would be a bit of a red flag for me. If there were other aspects of the community that weren't up to par, I'd consider a move. The director should be keeping you apprised of how they're working to resolve the situation. S/he shouldn't be trying to make it your problem.

Yes, the ombudsman. This person is your representative. The fact that he threatened you and your mother makes this unacceptable.
Good luck,
Carol

Well this is just plain unexceptable, your mom has a right to demand another room if this is not stopped. A once in a while visitor is one thing but all the time, no. I assume he is another patient if he keeps coming back. Straight to administrator I would go and if no action then i would tell them my next stop is the news. If anything is feared by facilities it's bad publicity.

You can also request a change in roommate. I have been paying for Mom to have a private room because I have seen rare instances where one resident becomes agitated and starts shouting and then threatening another resident. In one case, my mother was targeted while I was there. When the staff suggested that I consider lowering the cost of the room by switching to a double, my concern about safety was answered this way: "We will carefully match your mother with an appropriate roommate." Demand a switch of roommate.

As long as the roommate is paying her share of the room, then she has the option to have a "guest" and there is nothing you can do except to move her to another room, or pay for a private room. Good grief! What is wrong with the roommate having a male friend lie on her bed with her? Are you jealous?

I also Iike Veronica91's answer - if the roommate wants to have constant company, especially if they are being intimate in some way, it would be good to push for her to pay for a private room, but there are state rules that say patients are allowed to have visitors of their choice.....

I am a little curious about what the man and the roommate do in the bed. Are they cuddling? Are they performing sexual acts? Does he use the bed because the roommate is in the chair and there is no where else to sit? What exactly is it that is bothering your Mom--does she not like him or does she just think it is improper or does she just not like having a visitor in the room all the time? Until this is resolved can you or the staff get your mom out of the room more often and into activities so that she is distracted from it? The more we know about your mom's objections the easier it might be to brainstorm around a solution.

Is the staff from Mars?

This is an absurd situation.. I would not stand for it...You said the staff escorts him out and he returns immediately...If he sat on a chair, rather than lying on the bed, it would be bad enough. If he stays past visiting hours that would be an additional no no.

I would go to the administrator first, not after going through channels. This is a "raise hell" issue.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Is the male friend another resident?
Do they do anything that third parties might find offensive.
If security escorted him out and he immediately returned clearly the Memory care unit does not find it acceptable.
Perhaps it is time for the police to be called especially because you and Mom have been threatened.
Mom or her room mate should be moved.
It is inappropriate to ask Mom to pay for a single room. Maybe it is the room mate who should do that

I wouldn't be discreet about photos or documentation. Best disinfectant is sunlight.

And you reach the ombudsman through the Area Agency on Aging.

I would go to the ombudsman as well.

Your mother has a right not to be threatened. I agree with Glad; research to find out which agency is in charge of licensing and contact them.

Also: DOCUMENT, everything...threats, times when the guy is laying there on the bed. Might not be a bad idea to take photos if you can do so discreetly as you wouldn't want either of the two lovebirds to take out their anger on your mother.

I also would go beyond the director of the Memory Unit, all the way up to the nursing home administrator.

Good luck with your efforts.

What state department licenses this place? Department of Health? Once yoy find out file a complaint. The facility should have a document readily available for you to read of past problems and issues there.