I know that I chose the life that I live and I have to take responsibility for my actions. I made a lot of selfish choices and reckless decisions in my past that led me to where I am today. But I have done a lot of work over the years to heal from a lot of past trauma while treating mental health disorders that still fills me with shame but I know it’s not my fault I have the disease but it is my responsibility to treat it which I do.
Some years ago I ended up in a psych ward (the first of many) after losing job after job and being homeless in a big city. The hospital called my mom and told her what happened and she came to take me to live with her. It was nice at first to get somewhere safe but then I remembered that mom wasn’t exactly mentally sound herself. She was getting evicted and needed someone to help her move which is why she came to get me from the hospital. I managed to find us an apartment to share in the town she lived in for many years and we’ve been living here ever since. We are very codependent. I was unemployed for a long time and basically lived off her and struggled with depression and suicidal ideations. Eventually I managed to get back into the career I had left almost a decade ago and have been working to try to make up for all the years I spent wasting away in depression. Now my mom is mid 70s and she just had open heart surgery and she is in and out of the hospital. We don’t have a lot of money and we own absolutely nothing. Our living relatives don’t talk to either of us and I don’t blame them. We are not the best people in the world but we aren’t the worst either. I sincerely think my mom did her best but she had a lot of challenges and she never got the help she needed. I’m lucky that my generation does take mental health seriously. We aren’t the smartest people on the planet but we get by. But with mom getting sicker and weaker, she is requiring more and more care which is hard for me to provide especially now that I’m working and my job is a two hour commute. Pretty soon I’m going to need to get a second job to afford to pay our bills and we almost got evicted from this apartment. We still might be. We are really really bad managing our money. I never expected to be living like this and I want to do the right thing and make sure my mom is living as independently as possible but still getting the care she needs. She wants to live with me and for me to take care of her which I wouldn’t mind helping but I have limits of what I can do which she doesn’t understand. Right now she is a nursing home for subacute rehab and she hates it there but it is only for a short time until she recovers from the surgery.
Unlike me, mom doesn’t treat her underlying mental health conditions which are getting worse. She also doesn’t treat her respiratory diseases which she had had for two decades and doesn’t socialize or exercise. Mostly she lies in bed watching tv and only interacts with me. I try to encourage her to live a more active lifestyle (senior centers, neighbors, walking). I cook her foods that are somewhat healthy that she likes and try to make things sound fun even though we have no money to do anything or go anywhere really. Sometimes we go to a movie. That’s about it. She never wants to do anything and I get it. I was there too and I wish I could help her get out of the depression she is in.
Sometimes I get frustrated by how we live. It is so hard to be living paycheck to paycheck and be in debt as we are with no safety net no savings no family to ask for help. Social services sometimes steps in to help us when things get really bad (eviction avoidance) and I work as much as I can to try to get ahead but then some emergency happens and we’re back to begging people to help us which makes me feel really bad and that exacerbates my illness and things can get pretty dark if I’m not vigilant.
I’m just so worried about the future and I know one day at a time but it just can’t go on like this. I’m scared
You are pretty good at putting yourself down, but as I see it you are resilient, and certainly not dumb. You are surviving a whole lot of hardship, struggle, and illnesses over which you have minimal control. You seem to me very determined and are already making use of the social safety nets that you can access. You are working. You are watching over your mom.
Myself, I admire your determination and your struggle. You tell us you are co-dependent and it's nice you recognize that in one sense, but in the other sense you are both struggling and you are keeping one another's heads above water as best you can. It's called survival.
There's no advice from me, and you already have survived more than any of us can even imagine.
I can only wish you the very best.
As to scared, OMG aren't we ALL. You may have this idea "If I only had a cushion of money, I wouldn't be scared" or "If Mom were only more independent and mentally stable I wouldn't be scared" (and yeah, it WOULD be a comfort to you I know) but believe me, we all walk the world scared. We are WIRED to be scared. We are all ready for "fight or flight" at a second's notice and none of us are far from the caves we lived in and the clubs we carried.
Thanks for letting us know of your struggle and sharing it with us. You are very well written. I can only wish you the very best ongoing.
Now is the time to get mom the help she needs and will need because of the heart attack. I saw it in my dad, so I really encourage you to be a squeaky wheel for mom to get the care she needs for her depression.
Great big hug! You got this.
You seem to be very aware of your situation. You’re one step ahead of the curve by not being in denial about anything.
I believe in second chances. It appears that you are trying to make the most of your second chance.
Wishing you all the best.
Find out out if there is a psychiatrist who visits the NH on a regular basis. You may be able to get mom some treatment started while she's still there.
(((Hugs))) and good luck!