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Mom has macular degeneration and now suffers from vascular dementia. I have been doing her bills along side her as well as balancing her checkbook, doing her laundry, for the past 18 months. I have taken her shopping, to appointments, to church, anywhere she wants to go for more than 10 years since she gave up driving. Recently, she has become very paranoid and has now accused me of taking everything over and plotting against her. She says she is not my mother and I am no daughter of hers. She used to tell people I was her eyes ears and she didn't know what she'd do without me. Now she is telling my siblings to not listen to my propaganda. My heart is broken beyond repair, and when I told mom my heart was broken, she said I have no heart. I love her and forgive her but don't know how to deal with this pain. I am going to review her bank statement with her tomorrow in the prescience of my sister and then suggest that they go to the bank and remove my name and add my sisters name to her account. That way I'll have no access to her account and someone lose can have that privilege. Right now it's the only thing I can think of to do. The pain is so raw I think it might overtake me. I do t know hat advice anyone may have but any insight would be appreciated. My siblings simp,y tell me to calm down and it's the disease not my mother. My question is how can it be the disease if in the same moment I am evil but another sibling is wonderful?

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Because they sort of know they can't hurt other people who don't unconditionally care for them enough to put up with it.
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Oh it is so good to know I'm not alone. Except my experience is with my husband-married for 30+years, never a day of doubt in our love and now apparently I party all the time?! And I have thrown away everything, will be marrying someone else and moving into a new house!? This hurts so much I can hardly bear it. I know it's the disease talking, but still it's hard. There was a comment that they always hurt the ones that are closest-ugh-why is that?!
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You can't really 'make plans' with them and expect things to go well. They don't remember making plans, or they object/don't feel up to following through with plans. Or you go somewhere and they say, 'where are we, who are these people, I want to go home'. The last time I took my mom out to a restaurant on Thanksgiving, we had planned on the 3 p.m. seating at the buffet. I was at her house at noon, she was in her nightgown and curlers. I went out and shovelled her driveway, came in after 1 pm and she was still sitting there. It took 2 hours of prodding and nagging for her to get on her clothes and she said when I got her coat on, 'where are we going? where is your father?' Got to the restaurant after 4 pm., ate what was left, and she enjoyed her meal but kept asking where my father was. (dead and buried for 15 years, mom.) Their brains are deteriorating, a very sad situation, but really you can't take it personally. (and I was so frazzled that Thanksgiving day, I nearly had a stroke!)
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WearyinPit: She is going to be very childlike in her behavior. This is what happens to elders. They revert to childhood. She should definitely NOT go to the birthday party! She is very weak! Worse case scenario is that she could pass out.
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Weary - regarding the lasix; my dad had CHF which was manageable in the beggining as long as he took his medication which included lasix. Daddy hated the lasix because of it doing what it was suspose to do - keeping excess fluid from building up in the body. However that meant having to pee constantly - which definitely cramped his active style. So daddy started playing loosey goosey with the lasix - finally decided on night time, which only made him sleep deprived due to having to get up and pee all night long. One thing - was your mother on a potassium supplement while taking the lasix? My understanding is that a potassium supplement is critical to help prevent dehydration. Daddy took something called K-Tab which was prescription. Anytime dads dr adjusted his lasix, the k-tab was adjusted proportionally. My dad never experienced any mental issues from taking/not taking his lasix but he also remained well hydrated and did not have dementia.
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Jessie- that's exactly what happened here last evening. My friend wanted to come visit and bring pizza. Mom said no yup to it the half hour later decided pizza was a good idea. So we arranged it. Making plans and then changing her mind has been her M.O. for years, along with the forgetfulness and moodiness, which makes me think this has been going on for much longer than any of us realize. This is just the first acute evidence of severe dementia.
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WearyinPit, I just thought about something my mother does that gets to me. We'll make plans and then she'll say she's not up to it. So I go about the day. Soon she comes in the door and says that she really should go, so plans are back on. I used to assume we weren't going to go when she said she wasn't up to it. Now I stay on alert mode, knowing that things can change at any moment. I never know until we walk out the door to get in the car.
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My mother also has vascular dementia. She has two main personalities she goes back and forth between -- the sweet child and the bully. I don't know which one bothers me the most. When she is in the child mode, she'll ask me what she is supposed to do. Sometimes I'll ask her back and she'll give me the right answer. She'll say she just wanted to check. This doesn't sound bad, but when it keeps going on, it can try the nerves. I don't think she's doing it to be mean. I think she is interacting.

I understand her saying that she may not be up to going to the party. Sometimes I tell my family to expect us to come when they see us walking in the door. We can make plans to go to a lunch or party, but many times she's not up to it, so we have to cancel. I've just learned to expect it. Can you leave her at home for a couple of hours and go to the party yourself if she isn't up to it?
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So here it is Sunday morning and Mom is awake since 6:15. She is very docile and appreciative of everything. She actually appears very child like. "I don't know what to do? What should I do now". I remind her she usually takes her pills then has coffe and toast. "Oh, okay, thank you". I'm not convinced she knows where she is or who I am, but knows I'm here to help her. She's been off of the lasix for 2 days. I don't know if there's any connection but is sure seems coincidental. Are the moods swings typical in vascular dementia? She knows it's Sunday, and wants to go to church. That is her usual routine and it sounds from all the feedback I've gotten that it's best to stick to her routine as much as possible as long as she's safe. We're supposed to attend a family b'day party later today but she's not sure she's up to it. Very weak. I'm trying to encourage her to go as she does much better with activity rather than sitting doing nothing. As always, appreciate any insight.
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At first, I was wondering if I had posted this myself and had forgotten! Good suggestions in previous responses, I've tried most of them and so far no help or solution is forthcoming. I don't have the answers for you either, and I hope we both have some life (and sanity!) left in us at the end of this road.
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WearyinPit: This anxiety-ridden paranoia is quite common among the elderly. I can't tell you how many times I've seen posts like this on this site.Vascular dementia is something I am partially familiar with as my daughter's FIL had it, e.g. he called back to his home 5 TIMES when he was sent to the store for 3 two-liter bottles of soda because he couldn't remember what was told to him. He then got angry with his wife because he was angry with HIMSELF! Also, you say "I'm afraid she won't let me join her when she is seen by the doctor." Okay, so you're in control now...NOT her. You WILL AND SHOULD JOIN HER AT HER DOCTOR"S APPOINTMENT. You are her patient advocate! Have you thought about a geriatric psychiatrist?
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Weary - vascular dementia is like this - memory relatively preserved compared to Alzheimer's but no judgement, empathy or sense. You did VERY well at the doctor's, and if the MRI shows some atrophy and/or a few small old strokes I think the diagnosis is made; if they don't know what vascular dementia is all about or think a memory test rules it out, find another doctor. Your mom is very blessed to have you in her corned even though she does not feel very blessed right now, and she is "blessing" you out a good one for it. Jeanne, as usual, is 100% right.
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@MsMadge-
I'm so sorry. I do know how fortunate I am. I wish you much peace.
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Weary
Count yourself fortunate that you have siblings both willing and able to help.

I had to take the past 2-days off work to take my near 93 yr old mom for lab work and dr appointment - after treating her to ice cream a movie and dinner she then started acting up saying I was trying to control her life and steal her house - she then refused to return to her facility and started hitting me and screaming for help forcing me to drag her in backwards - I'm exhausted
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The comments on this site have been invaluable to me. Thank you all! The CRNP from the palliative program is convinced we're dealing with vascular dementia due to all of Moms cardiovascular issues. Her MD. Is not convinced due to the acute onset and the fact that doc never saw her like this. Also, she passed the memory quiz the doc gave her. In any case, she can't be left alone so I've worked out a 2 nite on, 3 nite off schedule with my sister. 2 other sibs will take one nite a week. Very blessed to not be alone in this. It's sounds like so many are and my heart goes out to you. Doc says her bloodwork indicates she may be a bit dehydrated and d/c'd the lasix which Mom was thrilled with. For some reason, she HATES taking it. I just hope it doesn't make her shortness of breath worse. Mom has been pretty withdrawn all weekend, still having hallucinations but not as bad. Appetite is lousy except for potato chips and junk food. Urine output is diminished, likely due to dehydration. The journey
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Jeanne has put it in nutshell.It is not about you it is about her
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Try to put your moms payments on auto payment through the bank. If necessary, you can still sit with the bank statement and the bills to check off each one and make sure they were deducted properly. This can really save you time and possibly reduce some of your moms stress. It really worked for some of my family members.
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Just call hospice. You don't have to be referred to them by a doctor. They come out and evaluate and determine if their care is needed. It has been a blessing here. A nurse comes out every week, evaluates and takes vitals. Hospice doctors/arnp prescribe medication, the hospice pharmacy fills it and it is delivered to the home. They provide OTC meds as needed, assistive devices, home health aides for bathing, supplies such as pull-ups, chux, compression stockings, etc. Once a month, your loved one can go into a facility for respite care for the care give for 5 overnights...a great gift for the care giver. I can't say how grateful I am for Hospice Angels.
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I understand your pain, it is very hard to listen to hurtful things. Especially when you are the one who has been there for her all along. Try to understand where theses accusations are coming from. Dementia has an effect on her brain that doesn't allow her to think the same. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop your hurting. Somehow it seems to only make it worse. No one wants to see their loved one in distress. I believe Now it becomes a matter of perspective. I found that when I examined other stresses in my own life, I found that I could handle the hurt better some days more than others. This depended on how I was feeling about myself at that time. You will find that some days you are emotionally stronger than others. This may or may not be helpful to you. Try to step back and really see where these things are coming from (dementia effects the brain). Regardless of how you are treated. It sounds like she may NEED you more than ever now. Good Luck.
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Bless you.... Your mom and my mom sound like the same person, with depression, paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. My mom was the sweetest person on 2 feet around others but when the macular degeneration and vascular dementia ramped up I became the enemy. I took care of mom for a total of 13 years. Do yourself and her a BIG favor - find a personal care home, not a nursing home or assisted living, they are pricey. A Personal Care Home only have 5-6 people and take very good care of your loved ones. They range in price from $1400 up. Do it now before your mom gets any worse so she can adjust. I waited way too long and she could not adjust. You still will have to deal with the doctors visits and so on but it won't be 24/7, which I am assuming it is. The separation is needed for both you and her.

You are so close to her that it is going to hurt, it did me, and the more it hurt the harder it was to take care of her. This is NOT going to get better AND she cannot help any of it. You do not have the power to change her but you have the power to change the way you handle it.

Dementia stinks - especially vascular dementia - there is so many other things associated with it. If you take care of your mom, do not give up the check book, only you know what is needed for your mom and how much it costs. Just find a new way of handling the situation.

My mom passed away in February at 92. She is always in my heart and mind. I now realize I did the best I could and even though things were rough she knew in her heart that I loved her and took care of her.
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Weary - I wanted to say, your asking mom if you could answer the docs question was brilliant! I was always trying to phone the doc ahead of time or find a reason to go in first or other ineffective, time consuming, not so brilliant ways to get a "heads-up" to moms doc. Your quick thinking tells me that while your journey with dementia is going to break your heart, test your patience and put great strain on you - that in the blessed end you'll be okay. You are one sharp cookie!
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Weary, I answered your post about hallucinations before I read this one. My heart goes out to you and what you are going through.

This is DEFINITELY the dementia talking. Your mother dumps on you because you are most familiar, and she "trusts" you to take her take her accusations of your untrustworthiness. If it is time for your sister to take over with the finances, fine. But don't expect that to cure your mother's dementia and therefore her paranoia. You are looking for rational explanations (it must be personal -- she just picks on me) when there is almost nothing rational about dementia.

Please, please, don't take this personally. Don't take this to heart. It is extremely common, perhaps nearly universal, with dementia. It is really not about you at all. It is about damage to your mother's brain. And I know, from personal experience, that it is very, very hard not to be discouraged by the paranoia. Use our experience as a shortcut for your own learning. This is not about you!
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Weary, that sounds like a whole lot of progress to me, what exactly were you hoping for from this doctor visit?
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Well. The appointment didn't go so well. The doctor was really shocked at the change in her in 6 weeks. When I asked Mom is she was going to mention the "people" she was seeing she said why would I tell her that. She said she needs to do some investigating into who worked where and what their specialty was. All kinds of excuses that didn't make any sense. My Mom is a very intelligent woman and was a nurse back in the day and I think on some level she knows something is wrong but can't put her finger on it so it must be my fault. Anyway, she allowed me to accompany her to the visit but told me not to butt in or ask any questions. The doc knew something was wrong the minute she came in. When she asked me a question,I asked Mom if it was okay to answer to give the doc a clue that something was terribly wrong. When doc asked Mom if she had been feeling like herself, that's when Mom sad no and told the doc about all of her family being in her apartment and then disappearing and not recognizing me as her daughter. Doc sad well I recognize her as your daughter. That seems unusual to me. Mom said I think it's very unusual too. She passed the memory tests and doc suggested an MRI which Mom agreed to. Bottom line, we made no progress except now at least he doc is clued in to what's going on. She sent Mom for blood work so she could talk to me privately. She gave me some good advice and some resources to call upon if things get out of hand. Doc and others here have said she should not be left alone. We've know that for the past couple of weeks and she is not left alone and won't be. Initially I thought bring g her into my home would be an answer but the steps are a challenge. There is a bathroom in the main bedroom but she'd never b content staying in one room. So for now, someone is with her in her apartment. I'm blessed to have siblings to help out. She knows that I am someone that she needs but doesn't recognize me as her daughter. I just do not understand why it's me she doesn't recognize and while I'm not having the major melt downs that I was, it is still so painful and seems u real to me. This all happened so quickly.
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How did the doctors appointment go, Weary?
My mom doesn't have a geriatric psychiatrist, but when I moved her here with me last month, I told her new doctor about Mom's anger and agitation, so he added a small dose of anti-depressant to her other daily medicines and almost immediately she calmed down. She was already having a good day that day, so I can't say for certain that the medicine is the "fix" but she's been agreeable since then. That is until I move her into the memory care place....dreading how that will go.
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Thank you all. I know this probably sounds selfish but in a way it's a blessing that she is so weak and has significant mobility issues due to end stage osteoarthritis.
At least she can't wander too much before getting extremely tired. Going to mention hospice to the doctor tomorrow.
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WearyinPit - boy, do I know what your going through! I've been looking after my mother for 5 1/2 years. The first 18 months my dad was still alive and we did the bill paying together, probably similar to how you're doing it now. Back then all was fine. Then my dad passed and shortly after mom lost her drivers licence. Mom still wanted no part of the administration functions of her life - so I did it all. My mom became increasingly difficult, parinoid and angry with each passing day, it seemed. In the past two years she started flushing the medication I would fill into her pill box, write up to forty checks a month to charities, hide her mail/bills/checkbook and worst of all - was the things she'd say to me. Yet if I decided to pull back, visit once a week instead of 2 or 3 times - she'd call and ream me for that. I literally was "damned if I did, damned if I didn't". By this past October I was a complete basket case. Mom had fallen in late August and eventually - after attempting AL, she had to be moved to a nursing home. EVERYTHING was my fault! The things she'd say to me, accuse me of..! I was ready to pack up her files - all the stuff - drop it off at her attorneys and call my brother to take over. My husband would try to talk me out of it - referring to how much I've done and how long I've been doing it - I'd gotten everything so manageable- that the time in front of me is far less than the time behind...it didn't matter - I didn't want to put up with her crap one more second. Then I found this site and saw people talking about Geriatric Psychitrists - I got mom into one and he did a medication overhaul. Now my mom is 100x easier to deal with - plus she's now on hospice care. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over some of the things mom said and did - yes, I know it mostly was the disease talking, yes - I know it would be better for me to forgive and let go. Still - the best I'm able to do is detach and stay within my set boundries. And, that's the advice I'd give to you. That, and try to find a geriatric psychitrist to see your mother.
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WearyinPit, I am in the same boat with you. My mother has vascular dementia and has been a handful since I've been with her (6.5 years). I live with her in her house. She acts like she absolutely hates me because I am trying to take over. I know that it is the disease, because that is the reason I'm here. That does not make it easier, though. We are people, too. If we are being hurt we have the right to protect ourselves. Is your sister willing to take over for a while? If I had a sibling willing to do it, I would jump at the opportunity. Your relationship could improve if you're not so available to her. I don't think you need to take your name off the account, because things may get better. It does seem that parents favor the children who are not around so much, while showing their worst side to the child doing the most.

My advice to someone who is going through abuse is to ignore what others are saying and pay attention to what you need to do for yourself. If something is hurting you badly, then find a way to get out of the situation at least for a while. Dementia can last for years and totally drain the quality of the caregiver's life. There needs to be more than one person to share the responsibilities. I hope your sister can step in and let you get some well-deserved rest. You have the right not to be abused, even if it is the disease that is causing it.
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Do you have a signed HIPAA and or health care poa? Either one of those should allow you to recieve information from the dr/np.

Just remember too, you can ALWAYS give information. You might want to type up a brief synopsis of what is happening and pass it to the receptionist when you go in, to be read by the doctor. Dementia sucks. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
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Thank you for your answer. We've been down that path and she doesn't have a UTI. The CRNP believes it's the progression of he vascular dmentia. She's seeing the doctor tomorrow but I'm afraid she won't let me join her when she's is seen by the doctor.
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