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My mother informed me that I was a dictator. My mother lives with my husband and I. I always think of her safety and her well-being. I do not force her to do anything she does not want to do. I talk to her and explain an issue to her in a diplomatic manner. Being called a dictator hurt me and it makes me not want to say much to her. I do not think I am a dictator at all. I have been respectful to my mother. Help!

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denounce it firmly with a frothing 3 hour oratory in front of about 4 million western europeans in nurnberger square.
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I have a feeling that it is her way of saying that she resents not being in charge anymore. Parents can have a hard time with the partial reversal of roles that happens when they get older. Living together under one roof can be challenging indeed. If you are being reasonable and kind, I wouldn't pay the words any attention. They were probably said at the spur of the moment in a bout of temper.
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jesses is obviously the better reply but mine does draw one hilarious visual.
let your mother be in charge. everything i ever discussed with my mother was the various options and which did she think was best. only went against her will one time when she was having a phsyc episode and i had her hauled off in the rubber truck. she was given a tranq shot and released back to home but man i was the devil, rolled up in mussolini with a sprinkle of charlie manson for a few days.
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I call myself "the Sergeant" with my mom when I want to get her to do something. My dad was a Chief Master Sergeant in the Air Force, so like father, like daughter. I agree with Jessie, that your mom is really reacting to the loss of her ability to handle things without help. It must be tough, particularly if your parent was very independent (as my mom was). And the role reversal can be hard on some parents and children.

In a quiet, calm moment, I'd have a heart-to-heart with your mom about why you ask her to do certain things. Also ask if there's a better way to approach her about what she needs to do, one that won't get her hackles up. Maybe there's a better way to word things or to give her some kind of choice, or more notice about what she needs to do. I just tell myself whatever I do, I'm doing to keep my mom safe and healthy, whether she understands that 100% of the time or not. I'm sure you are too. Hugs.

And Captain, you're too funny. :)
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I have no idea whether you control Mom's every breath, or if you simply insist on her taking her pills once a day. I assume you are NOT a dictator, though.

As the mother of a recent teenager, and the spouse of an ALZ husband, my advice is to choose your battles. Don't try to make her eat her broccoli. Let her have ice cream sometimes. MAKE her put on her seatbelt EVERY time. She is old and dying, however long she has. Making her do what's best for her all the time may not be worth it. Forcing her to avoid danger is worth fighting for. Letting her enjoy life as much as possible is worth fighting for.

You really have my sympathy. Finding a good balance is so much harder than either letting her do whatever she wants OR making her always do what's best.

You feel very hurt, but she is not really angry at you. She is angry because she is old and powerless and maybe in pain. Remember that she really does love you, if she was a pretty good mother. She hasn't stopped loving you. She is just very very cranky.

Try humor and sympathy. If she uses the word dictator again, draw on a Hitler mustache and fake a German accent. "You vill take your pillss now!" Or say, with sympathy, "Oh. Mom, it seems like I'm always bossing you around. No wonder you don't like it. You still want to run your own life. I don't blame you."

Good luck to you.
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I overheard my sister referring to me as "the tissue Nazi" - ongoing battle with mother about snotty soggy used Kleenexes and the proper place to keep them, long story… I assumed she was being humorous.

I agree with everyone above, especially that your mother is probably more resentful of losing her independence than she is, really, blaming you for it - and as you're already dealing with her as tactfully as can be, I'm sure you also see how hard that is for her. Only you know whether your mother would react better at a particular time to light-heartedness or sympathy about the fact that she needs your help, and that sometimes that's going to feel to her like "being ordered around" (even though you're not doing that); but keeping your own sense of humour will definitely help you.

Now, repeat after me: "let them hate me so long as they fear me..!"
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Jinx, I like the mustache idea. Adopted! Now I know how I'm going to use all those old markers we have lying around.
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tell her paybacks are a bitch aren't they? Bet as a teenager you might have thought about her in the same way when she was just looking out for your best interests as you are for her.
to coin a phrase- Hope I die before I get old.....
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Texas, I guess I see it differently. Who cares if she calls you a dictator? Tell her 'you're right mother I AM A DICTATOR. NOW PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DO WHAT I SAY'. I'd stop arguing about the dictator thing all together. As long as she goes along with what you're telling her to do for her own safety, you're good to go I'd say. ♥
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@ nancy,
elders are going to have falls , miss meds, throw fits, etc. if i were the elder id want to trade off a little bit of perfection and safety to have my own self determination. your approach would be met with a half a panzer division ( a little bony fist in the eye ) by me.
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It's a sign of her decline of control and the natural exchange of roles as your parent ages and you become the care-taker. You can tell her you're sorry if she feels you are not kind, but stick to your guns and tell her you do what you do for her own good. It's difficult for her to accept her decline, to relinquish control. Perhaps you can examine the way you talk to her and find a less 'assertive' way of speaking to her. There is a therapist named Teepa Snow (look her up on Google, she has her own website. They won't let us post a link here, otherwise I would) who has worked out excellent ways to communicate to resistant elders. She shows how to get cooperation from them while making them feel like they made the decision to cooperate with you.

In college I learned that 60% of people who must be 'leaders' don't realize how their language patterns negatively impact people in their charge. Step back and see if you can makes changes in your 'approach' with your mother that will encourage her to want to do what you request.
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totally agree redhed, approach is everything. unless the patient is endangering themselves i believe all decisions SHOULD be theirs to make. im 55, if my 25 yr old son talks down to me , actually sometimes he does and it never ends well..
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You're a dictator and I'm a "communist." When I found out that father was taking more than what was recommended on his herbal supplements, I confiscated most of it from his bedside table and put it on the desk across from his hospital bed. Now, I control how much he takes - based according to the bottle. Unfortunately, he thinks that he knows best on how to take those herbal pills - better than the doctor, better than the bottle and especially better than the manufacturer. I didn't catch on to this until he started to break out in hives all over his body. I narrowed it down to his misusing Several Variety of his herbal supplements. So, now he accuses me of being a communist.

Texas - just think of this as a trial run for the future as she progresses. I have graduated from communist to now a communist who is stealing his money from his bank account. I'm only now seriously documenting every single darn penny, receipts for HIS petty cash, etc... because he now threatens to call the police on me. Sigh... I sure miss being called just a "communist."
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So you're a communist who's in it for the money, Book? Interesting new take on politics, there...
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Redhead, so sorry to hear it's happening this way, it must feel awful sometimes. Documentation is everything ;) and should some authority be brought in you're all set. In my 20s a counselor I went to told me how her mother with Alzheimer's accused her of stealing valuables; I was horrified. I'd also like to point out, how these people are bandying about very serious words that were or are horrific realities for some. Maybe we could all work on that hyperbole a bit!!
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it is 645 am here and I"ve spent the last 4 hours explaining to my dementia dad that he is NOT going driving to buy dress pants right this moment. There is no need at this time to rebuild the bathroom cabinet to fit his toolbox so when he unplugs the clock again he can "fix" it with his tools. And re-introducing him to paper towels which he can clean up his cereal he dumps out when he just wants the milk (then he picks it up with his fingers off the cabinet !!!! WHY??) He has insisted I hid his electric razor that was in his hand. and that I control his every breath, (Thank you LORD that I do not or this morning I might have let him turn purple a few times). Now he is tearing up the livingroom looking for his debit card which I have hid from him because he buys crap off the tv all the time. and we just don't need another PX90 or whatever it is. bless you though, I hope it gets better for you.
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hun, no matter if you are saying things gently and doing everything you can to help her, there will always be times when she has what is called "snap moments" she will just look at you and blurt out hurtful things. this is the sickness talking not the mom that you know and believe me when I say she will not remember saying it later. you just have to take a deep breath and let the words simply fall off your shoulders.
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It is so difficult not to take words personally when it is your parent speaking them to you. Professionals tell us, and I've said these words myself, 'Don't take it personally, it's the disease talking not him/her.' Well, you can't deny your feelings. So go hug your cat or dog (you must have one - it is a requirement) and then give yourself a pep talk. We continually expect rational behavior from those who are incapable of giving it. That is the real battle - to finally see our parent or loved one as they are right now - not as we've known them. It is so tempting to believe that somehow they are doing or saying whatever just to 'get us'. The truth is that, yes, some people DO behave this way and did so before they got old, got Alzheimer's or whatever. So then you get to deal with a person who is not only unkind at their core, but also suffering from illness. I did this with my father who was mentally ill BEFORE he was afflicted with Parkinson's type illness and dementia. He was hardest on his wife who was a real trooper throughout. She refused to put him in a facility but did accept some help in the home for his care. I wouldn't have blamed her a bit for putting him in a nursing home. He was that awful to her during the last part of his life. My best wishes for you.
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I feel your pain. Asking my mother to do anything that SHE doesn't want to do (such as taking pills, doing the exercises prescribed by her therapist, eating her food instead of feeding it to the dog) is considered "pushy". She freely admits to her angst over being not in control and I have to keep reminding her that the things being asked of her are not unreasonable.
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If you're going to survive this care giving thing you need to grow thicker skin and ignore what she says..Making sure her best interests are met.. It sucks but its the only way to get through the days…......
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Agree with her and tell her you're a "benevolent" dictator placed in power due to circumstances beyond your control. When you look at it from their point of view - so many don't know they need help - the word dictator pretty much sums it up I guess. Keep calm and carry on, Texas. Whether she realizes it or not (and she probably does) you're a blessing to her!
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Ah, so I'm not the only one this happens to.....except in my case my mom complains to sibling and then it gets back to me and sibling calls me names and mom denies it or says "I need to complain about something.....hahaha"....yeah....not funny.....annoying's what I would call it!

Is it reasonable to make hair appointments for mom every four to five weeks? She wears her hair short so any longer than five weeks it loses its shape. Mom will say the night before or morning of "Why do I need it cut? Maybe I want to grow it out and wear it in a ponytail. I used to wear it like that, you know." I'm thinking, yeah, in the early 1970's!

I get the name calling.....control freak, etc. by my sibling, apparently the monthly hair appointments is one of the issues (per my mom talking to sibling). So, my question is, should I let it go? Let mom decide when she wants it cut? I might add she always likes her cut after she gets it. It's like it's just another reason to complain (I also understand it's the dementia). Bottom line, cut hair is nice looking. Letting it go and not getting it cut on top of only washing it two times a week is something.......as long as I take care of mom.....I don't want to do. I think my sibling should grow up and use some common sense! Any thoughts?
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Your sibling grow up and use some common sense. Puh-lease - let us stay in the world of reality!!!!!!

Sorry - need to vent this morning.

I suspect it is just another reason to complain. They thrive on complaints. My mother would not have a life if she did not have complaints and she does not have dementia, but she does have increasing paranoia and a personality disorder and narcissism, and when I will not take her out of her "terrible place" where dreadful things are going to happen to her, and if I talk to her about taking the meds which would help her, I am the bad daughter again who sits in judgement of her and her situation and doesn't know anything and doesn't care for her. My sis will pick up on anything negative said about me and exaggerate it and feed it back to mother and others to get her more agitated and to black ball me. I do detach, but I am human and some of this hurts.

Tell me again. Why am I doing this?
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Our dad calls me "the jailhouse warren". I laughed it off if I'm in the mood, other times I joke and say "that's right", other times I ignore it. And, once in a while I address it directly and say "you're right, it's my job to make sure you are safe and clean". I'm sure that's how it feels to him, but I'm very clear in what my job is.
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Laughter is the best medicine, just tell Mom you're glad she finally gets it and if there's somewhere else she would rather be where she'll get to be the dictator, you'll help her get there.
Seriously, my Mom and I have finally gotten to the place where we either have to laugh it off or be depressed. If your Mom has no sense of humor, ask her what she needs that you're not providing, then listen and try to accommodate her on a few things.
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I kind of treat some of it same as "terrible two's", give the individual the person the option to choose between two acceptable choices when possible. On some of the non-negotiable items, for my dad it's taking a shower, the doctor writes a note reminding him to do so.

I also choose my battles, some things will not change no matter what. No point fighting about them. For me that is bathroom issues. I choose the most important issue, wash your hands right before you leave the bathroom, and that was ok.

Vpiffani: if your dad likes to fix things, what if you got him a work area and got stuff from the GoodWill or second hand store to work on??? If he is picking up milk with his fingers, he is not processing well enough for real changes. Bless you for helping him.
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Hey, how about saying to her, "Yes, that's right. It was you, but now it's my turn!"
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The questions and answers in this newsletter both amuse me and comfort me. At times I feel that they are written just for me.... I help care for aging parents(Dad is 86 and Mom 82 with moderate dementia) along with my two sisters. My oldest sister, an RN, is responsible for all of the meds and Dr visits. I am mostly the misc chore person, groceries at times, dinners here and there, and just visiting, listening to the same stories over and over etc. They live on their own still but we are close by and check in on a daily basis. I sometimes leave their house feeling so sad and unappreciated. I have also been told I am a "dicatator" in so many words by my mother.(She rules the roost when she is clear and present enough to do so but lately she just "thinks" she is). Daily chores that she used to tackle are going to the wayside but when we offer to do them, she is apalled and demands that she is "steering this ship!"
The difficult part is realizing that what she's saying is coming from the transfer of control in her life, her loss of memory and the desperation to remember when it's impossible. She can say very hurtful things that have a lasting sting and then turn around and say she loves me and how important family is. It's a rollercoaster ride to say the least.
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Here's how I felt yesterday. It helped to write it down and I am happy to share it with you.

Another shopping trip with Mom. New lessons learned every time.
She tries to control everything: the temperature in the car, the volume of my voice, the flow of my thoughts. She is stuck in her own mind by choice, or at 92 is there less and less mind and less and less choice? She looks like the mother I knew and loved, but that person doesn't exist anymore.

Maybe I could share one little experience or thought, I think and I try. She doesn't hear, doesn't want to hear it, criticizes it or me, in general, shuts the door. Bam.
Enter the new me: a shell of myself to pretend having a conversation with the shell of herself. How far are we going? 7 miles of awkwardess seems like an eternity.

At her apartment she forgot the keys somewhere. I use the pair I made for this purpose. It's happening more frequently. Certain things like how we open the car door and bring up the groceries are repeated every time. No lessons are learned from the last time for either of us.

How do I like the portrait she did of her best friend? I think it is as frozen and forced and unreal as we are now. "It's nice." is all I can choke up. I offer a few questions about it but she interrupts and has her own story about why it is the way it is and she is going on to the next portrait anyway. Can't talk about art anymore.

I give her a hug, but there is no response, recognition, or anything warm that is returned. Was mine that cold?

I walk away broken hearted. I bawl as soon as I get in the door.

I go to the bathroom and catch myself in the mirror. I dressed nicely for her. Did she notice? I talk to the mirror:

"Say, I like your hair these days. It was a great idea to grow it longer. And your outfit looks great. Thanks for dressing up for me. Your health does seem to be improving. You are brave to try out diets and improve yourself. Sorry to hear you are struggling with your business. But with your talents and persistence it will turn out alright. I am so proud of you
What a lovely and intelligent daughter I have!"

No. That only makes this worse. There goes the mascara. As the black streaks down my face I wonder, is she feeling this sad too? Or is that gone as well?
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Today I didn't agree with Mom about something and she immediately went into Drama Queen Overdrive! By the time we got to the senior center for her exercise class I happened to pull up behind a big truck that was picking up donated clothing from a big metal drop box. I had clothes in the back seat I wanted to give away, but Mom wasn't aware of that.
"What are you doing? Why don't you just give yourself to them?" She laughed in her best sarcastic evil voice. And I had a fast reply: "These days, now that I have some self esteem, I am only going to give them my clothes!" I jumped out of the car and left Mom sitting there with a dropped jaw. A young man came to help me with the bag. "Here you go. I lost 15 pounds and won't need these anymore!" And I held my head up high and got back into the car with a real smile.
Yeah, this is going to be my year, baby!!
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