Her knee gave out. My brother lives next door and has POA. He, my husband and I all feel she would be much happier and safer in an Assisted Living facility. She says she will just "take a pill" and end it all that way if she has to leave her house. I understand her situation and feelings about this. I would feel the same way. Would it be better to just let her stay there IF she falls one more time? Or make her sell the house and move? Those are the questions we are wondering about. Any comments would be helpful. My mother did NOT break anything this time. My father fell several times when he lived at home with mom without injury but finally broke his hip. That was the end for him. What do you advise?
The therapist was right, but I tell ya, it is so hard to say "no" to ones parents.
My mom wanted to remain in her home, a three level Cape Cod in a neighborhood with no sidewalks, no one home during the day and no public transportation. Mom's main problems were terrible anxiety and unstable blood pressure. She kept ending up in hospital because of bp spikes, for which no physical bases could be found.
We set her up with aides (who of course had to be able to get there in their own cars, in the NorthEast US snow and ice. Mom couldn't ask them to do anything, because they wouldn't know how, or they'd break the washing machine, or she was just too anxious.
She couldn't go anywhere in a cab, because it was always "harrowing" and the driver might get lost.
On the third day in a row that I had to leave work and drive almost an hour to "rescue" mom, I said enough is enough. We mived her to Independnet Living, where she had interesting activities, good food and housekeeping.
Mom can stay at home, just not at the expense of your life and happiness.
I realise this sounds contradictory, but I would even go so far as to add that as a competent adult your mother might be so considerate as to take her children's well-founded anxieties into account. They don't have to be the deciding factor, but neither should she ignore them altogether. Whatever plans she makes should be the result of a mental 'pros-and-cons' list; it is not unreasonable or bullying for the two of you to ask her at least to think things through carefully.
Or you support her where she is, and make available to her all the options you can find: domestic help, personal alarm systems, regular visiting schedules, grocery deliveries, heaven knows what-all. And still she manages to ignore your pleas that she keep to the ground floor, chucks herself down the stairs one morning and breaks her neck. And everyone *else* blames you and your brother for neglecting her, and you find it hard to remember that what mattered was your mother's right to make her own decisions.
There is no way to guarantee that we will get through this experience guilt-free. But as long - may it be forever - as your mother is competent, she is the boss. Do your best to respect that and work around it.
Elders fall. They fall at home, they fall at Assisted Living and they fall at Nursing Homes. I have been told by geriatric nurses that sometimes it's the bone breaking that CAUSES the fall, and not the other way around. Even with 24/7 supervision, falls happen.
Mom refused caregivers/cleaning service. Oh well, both still were able to think for themselves even if common sense flew out the window at times. I even present brochures for wonderful resort type senior living facilities in our area. Nope, nada, never.
My Mom's stubbornness was literally her downfall. Dad eventually moved to a senior living complex but still has his tumbles and falls. It's just what elders do. But help is there within minutes to check him over.
Maybe your Mom would like Independent Living instead of Assisted Living. At IL she would have either an one or two bedroom apartment, her own kitchen, supper in the main dining room, and a lot of people closer to her age. Get a facility where they have different levels of care, and also an Assisted Living section for later on.
Could you get her to try an assisted living place for a respite visit, like for a week? Just see if she likes it. Otherwise, I agree with the others about letting her stay where she is and making it as safe as possible.
How would you "make" your mother sell her house? Are you her legal guardian?
Since there is no legal way you could force a competent woman to move, take CM's advice and help her make her home as safe as it can be. Also consider a medic alert device.
Meanwhile, take her to see that Assisted Living places are not medieval torture chambers.
Does she have the money for that kind of care?
Try taking a different approach and visit facilities in your area whenever they have public events. Take her along and let her see how happy people are living there. let her make up her own mind. Don't even mention the possibility of living there. Mom has obviously thought about the possibility of having to move by her remark about ending it all with a pill.
Do what CM suggested and then hope Mom decides to move before she has an accident.
Just remember that hips break wherever you are living.
The take a pill option won't be available if she follows suit, breaks a hip, and gets carted off willy-nilly to a nursing home.