She was transferred to a rehab facility and will not be able to come home from that. I want to put her in assisted living in the same facility. I am an only child and thought I was ok with this but I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief because she thinks she will go home. Hasn't showered in four months, called the fire departmentt three times in 2 days for help. Any suggestions on how I can get her to accept the assisted living situation. I am numb and then crying and then ok. Please help
But with a bit of careful phrasing, there shouldn't need to be a time when you have to say right out "you're not going home and that's final." There is a world of difference between being truthful and rubbing the poor lady's nose in it.
And, besides, how long has she been in rehab? Give yourself time to adjust, too. You must have been under a lot of strain for a long time, given your mother's previous situation. Now that she's received treatment and is in safe hands, you can afford to go with the flow for a bit and just see how things develop. It could even be that your mother changes her mind about what she'd like to happen - there's a lot to be said for having hot meals brought to you and friendly faces around all day when you're tired and ill.
My mom was 93 and had dementia when it was necessary to place her in a nursing home. She had a hard time adjusting for the first few months, and then she blossomed! My sisters and I could scarcely believe that this was our mother doing crafts and going to sing-alongs and live entertainment, flirting a little, and chatting with other residents.
Sometimes my mother would say, "Let's go look in the fridge. I've got to figure out what to make for dinner." And I'd remind her, "Oh, Mother. You are retired now! Someone else figures out what is for dinner, shops for the ingredients, cooks, serves, and washes all the dishes! Isn't that great? We could go look at the dining room bulletin board to see what the choices are for dinner tonight. Would you like that?" Playing up the "your are retired" aspect seemed to please my mother.
Don't make assumptions about how your mother will react. Go with the flow.
It sucks and it's NOT fair. It's life-bending.
Vent here all you want!
Don't beat yourself up about this. I think it's very rare for an elderly person to stay in their home until they die. You are not the bad guy here. This experience is something most adult children go through. You are not alone. Keep posting here and we will all try to support you.
The doctors, nursing director and or social worker are the folks who decide that she is not capable of living alone. You should enlist their help in delivering the message that she deserves "retirement" from housekeeping and seeing to meals.
I see that you list her primary ailment as depression. Is that being treated by a competent geriatric psychiatrist?