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I need help dealing, feeling guilty because I do not want to do this my husband feels I am just being unreasonable, My stomach is in knots I cannot hardly even eat. my mother in law is in the kitchen every single time I go in there trying to help fix meals I let her help but I want to scream, no privacy, no time for me day or night now I put my grand daughter on the bus and now mother in law is here asking me how to do something all day because she don't remember how to do it or don't know because she is in our home now. I also have a seventeen yr old daughter here at home and I cannot open my mouth and say anything to her without her having an attitude and I feel like my husband just don't understand I am also going through menopause and all I want to do is cry,scream, I have no patients I bite peoples heads off and do not mean to I have turned into a total monster and I don't know what to do. My marriage, My Mother In Law, My daughter, My grand daughter, and I have 8 other grand kids and 4 other daughters I have no time or patience for I feel like every ounce of happiness has been sucked away from me and I feel like I have no way out what do I do How do I cope, How do I smile again and laugh and enjoy anything all I do is cook,clean,homework,

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Whose brilliant idea was it for MIL to move in with you, may I ask? And how long has she been there?
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number one, get some medication for the menopause, like Cymbalta.
number two, get the 17 year old to take care of the five year old.
number three, stop being a doormat and put the MIL in a NH.
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Pam is right on target. Basically I can't see this working out because you are the woman of the house, your mother-in-law is just a guest but she does not understand that
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I had to smile at the auto-correct in the title. When I say "altimeters," I thought your MIL must be a pilot. :)

Seriously, you sound like you're at the end of your rope. You and hubby need to sit down to have a serious conversation about what to do with your MIL. I know you both want to take care of her, but there are other options besides her living with you. Her being there doesn't seem to be working out. I hope you can find a place for her that will suit her needs and that she will enjoy.

For yourself -- it sounds like you could use a little help with your nerves. Talk to your doctor about something that will help you through these trying times. There is help out there for you to return to your calmer self. As hard as it seems, be sure to take some time for yourself every day to do what you enjoy -- read, exercise, listen to music, go for a walk. Exercise is particularly important when it comes to our health and anxiety. Sometimes taking a brisk walk does more to calm our nerves and reinvigorate us than any medicine can.
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"Say altimeters"? I meant "read altimeters." My brain is about gone now.
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I think Hopeless meant to type ALZHEIMER'S.
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I know. The auto-correct programs can type things for us that we never intended.
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I love Pam's ideas about your daughters taking care of of the granddaughters. You definitely need some time for yourself. Does your husband help you at all with the care or houseworks or nothing? You're simply exhausted and need to relax. Try to make your family to help, you're not a robot, you're a human being and you need rest too.
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How do you cope? I don't think you can, frankly. I think the situation has to be changed.

Of course it is possible to cope with someone who has dementia living in your home. I did it for ten years. I would do it again if I were in the same situation. So, am I just a better person than you? Nope. Here are the differences in out situations:

1) The person with dementia was my husband. I chose to live with him many years ago, and expected to stick with him in sickness and health, etc. He was the most important person in my life (after the children were grown). I really and truly wanted to be with him. It was my choice. Is it your choice to have MIL living with you? Is she the most important person in your life right now?
2) Our children were all out of the nest. I still loved them, enjoyed them, kept up with their lives, but I had no responsibilities to them. They were all taking care of themselves and their kids. Sometimes they were able to help me. But the big thing was I didn't have to constantly vigilant on their behalf. I didn't get anybody off to school or deal with their love lives or prepare meals for them or get them to bed on time. And you know what? Properly caring for a person with dementia takes all of your focus and all of your emotional and mental energy. Do you have the luxury of giving your MIL the amount of attention and empathy and help she needs and deserves? Is caring for her the only thing or even the main thing you have to do? I could give you lots of tips about caring for her, and could point you to websites and books that would help. But how would you have the emotional energy, time, and resources to do a proper job of caregiving? It has to be your main focus in order to do it right.
3) I was well past menopause. I also had a crisis to deal with during that period in my life, and the stress made my symptoms worse, and the bad symptoms interfered with my handling of the crisis. You need to take care of yourself. You deserve support and understanding from your husband for this natural but often-stressful time in your life. Do you have that?

I coped. I doubt very much I could have coped in you situation.

Instead of trying to figure out how to cope with an untenable situation, spend your energy working with your husband to find a more suitable living arrangement for MIL. You deserve that, and so does she.

If you are having trouble discussing this with your husband, I suggest getting an objective third party involved, like a therapist.

Please let us know how this works out for you.
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How about asking your family for a little mercy/compassion?
You also have worth and value as a human which deserves a little dignity and care yourself.
Do less, delegate the work & see if they take notice. Let the MIL make some meals while you go out for some air. With any luck she will not poison the family.
Some of this has to be about you and your wellbeing.
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LearningCurve above had a great idea, let mother-in-law make some meals and let her help you with the chores around the house for as long as she can.... it will make her feel like she is contributing to the family and giver her pride in what she is doing. She probably feeling awkward being in someone's else kitchen and home, and doesn't know what to do. I would feel the same way if I was living in someone else's house.

And if mother-in-law doesn't do the chore quite right, so be it.... it's better than you having to do everything :) Try it and let us know what that works out.
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Are the kids and grandchildren your, his, or both? 17 year olds are know for the snarky attitude.. Doesnt mean you have to take it... tough love is needed. And why do you have the grandkids when your plate is so full? I understand you want to help, but your stress level is major. And I understand the grandkids are more fun and rewarding than the MIL.. but maybe something has to give until you get some help
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She belongs in an assistant living place. Look for one fast. You have enough responsibility. Let your husband deal with his mother.
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The first thing I recommend is sitting down with the family and addressing your concerns. Ask them to take some of the pressure off you. Then find a good therapist where you and your family can go in order to deal with all the stressors. You may need to discuss with your doctor some medication to deal with possibly a thyroid issue or depression. There are remedies, but you will have to open your mouth and tell your family what is going on with you. My best wishes for your success!
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She needs to go into assisted living. You do NOT have to have all that pressure on you. Caring giving is HARD and you have enough responsibilities. taking care of a parent DOES NOT MEAN to have to move them in and take care of them.... it means that you make sure they are taken care of.... assisted living will do that and you just visit them
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I was in a similar situation and remember stopping at a mall on my way home from work to just walk and have time to myself. I went from a single in my own home with just 1 cat, to married with 2 dogs, to MIL as a new widow living with us, all in about 5 months. Luckily, I got accustomed to the dogs and the MIL realized that she would rather live on her own.

Why is the MIL living with you? Is it a financial situation or does she need help with daily living? Does she go out on her own or have friends or hobbies? Maybe get her involved in a club or activity or something.

At home it sounds as though there needs to be some "rules" or "who does what". If MIL is able to cook, even if it is making toast and putting out mild and cereal, perhaps she could be responsible for breakfast each day, or dinner a couple of days a week. Set up a schedule. It will be work to get it started and it will pay off in a more organized household. Can MIL be responsible for maintaining her room, including changing linens and doing her own laundry? Perhaps she could also do some of the family laundry. Does she get social security? If so, she should be paying you rent, as a courtesy. You could spend it, or put it in a special savings account for her future needs.

I'm guessing that if the 17 year old was previously an OK average teen, she is now feeling pushed aside and doesn't know where she fits in. Try to have a talk with her - outside of the house, where it is quiet. Tell her how you feel and ask for her help around the house and with the MIL. She may or may not agree, but at least she will know that she isn't the only unhappy one.

And YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You cannot help anyone else if you have a mental or physical breakdown. Can you go to work, even part time? It will get you out of the house and give you extra income. Perhaps it would pay for a housekeeper and other things that would make your life easier.
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Consider showing your husband your post so he can fully understand exactly what you're going through. The stress of caregiving not only affects your attitude, your day to day living, but your own health as well. Can visiting nurses or home health aides provide some assistance if MIL's insurance will cover it? Your husband may not want to put his mother in a facility, but you have rights as well. See if he wants to take full responsibility for his mother, but I think we know what the answer would be. Women have the vote -- you don't have to take this!
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So what were the various rationale for moving MIL in?
- family pressure?
- socialization?
- guilt?
- finances?
And by whom & how was the decision made?
I'd suggest you make the time to over a week to jot down your thoughts on the above then have an away from home chat w/ hubby & a separate one w/17. A new plan has to be done & this means mil moves to another place - either another family member or into AL or NH and she uses her $,savings & income for it.

My guess is that your the type who wants to make everybody happy & have been able to juggle things in the past with great ability. Amazing ability but this time not working. It's not you per se but the reality of the situation. one of the hardest parts about dealing with parents with dementia is that it doesn't get better, it only is going to be worse. Dementia is a terminal disease. Unlike the adventure of parent hood in which your kids learn, develop, grow & more forward with life & your pleasure in being a part of this, dementia goes backward. They are going to forget 5 minutes later, accuse your grandchild of stealing everyday, and eventually forget who your husband is much less you who is basically a stranger to her life history.

For the 17 yr old, they are just hormonal & snarky. I have a male 17 teenager & really it is the comic strip Zits in real time. I will say, she probably sees what you are going through and thinks that she does not ever want for her the future what she sees you going through & is not going to be sympathetic. It may be that the strong mom she knew & admired at 14 has seemed to have vanished. This scares her. Really try to have a talk with her on all this. Try to find something to do just with her that is your time only. If that mean hubby takes his mom to the movies so you all can make cookies so be it!

Where are the parents of the 5 yr old grandchild?
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Maybe there is a way to talk to your husband about setting healthy boundaries, for example, having a paid caregiver who comes in to dress, feed and manage your MIL in the mornings while you are getting the grandchild ready for school. And another helper who can babysit her a couple of times a week. Time her bath aide visit with your own trip to the grocery. Set up your home so she has a tv, small frig, water and snacks in her own room. Be firm about guiding her back to her room at regular times (for example,"when the windows are dark") so your teenager can have some family time with you. Your husband might see the need for assistance, once you put the needed tasks on the wall on a chart and ask him to help with them. Yes your whole life is changed. But it can be a significant experience for everyone. One of the children may grow up to be a physician specializing in geriatrics!
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Unless your husband is the 24/7/365 caregiver for his mother, SHE HAS TO GO! You are taking on way too much! I wish YOU well.
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Hopeless765, Singingway had an excellent idea about a wall task chart. That way your hubby, your daughter, and even your mother-in-law will notice all the things that needs to be done during the day. List everything including what has to be done for the grand-daughter. Then ask who wants to help, even ask your mother-in-law. That way, one can do what they actually enjoy.
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Don't feel guilty.I doubt many of us welcomed the idea of becoming a caregiver.
In order to get time for myself I now:
Wash mom's clothes and throw it on her bed to fold.
Keeps her busy and though I end up refolding it the time it buys me is priceless.
I give her little jobs like dusting her own room,picking lint off old sweaters,etc; "busy work".
Everyone in the house or that visits my home MUST spend at least 15 minutes visiting with Mom.It's my rule and I enforce it.
As for "having an attitude" well, I call it "wearing my cranky pants"and let everyone know I feel cranky .They know it's nothing to do with them and I apologize ahead of time if I am short with them or offend them.
At 8PM I help mom get undressed for bed and say "goodnight" and I close the door to my family room so that I can spend a hour or two at peace with my husband.
Obviously it doesn't always work but by doing it every night at the same time it's become a ritual for her. She recognizes it as a signal that it's the end of our time together for that day.My quiet time, her TV time. Though she doesn't understand the plot to stories anymore it just what she does at 8PM.Somehow these things have imprinted on her mind and they work.
I use same technique mornings.I toilet, wash, dress and give her breakfast then have established a routine where I am alone for coffee or quiet time for what I have to do.Our joke is: no conversation until I've had two cups of coffee and can think straight.
One thing to remember is that her behavior will change as she passes from one stage to the next.Your menopause will pass as well.Try and relax.Don't focus on the whole picture or the future, take one hour at a time, one thing at a time.
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As an introvert, I feel for your loss of time alone to recharge and relax. Being surrounded every minute of the day with people is torture. If I didn't have 3 hours from 6 30am to 9 30am to myself before Dad wakes, I would go screaming into the night. I suggest you go away for a weekend. Visit an old friend or just get away to a beach, let your husband deal with his mother. Let him experience taking care of an Alzheimer's patient.

Anyone on this site knows I am an advocate for home care. However no one person can care for an Alzheimer patient. She needs to be placed in an memory care unit.

You could benefit from hormone replacement therapy. It will allow you to get your calm back, stop the depression, and stop the nightsweats. Do you even remember what a good night's sleep is? My peri- menopause lasted 15 years. I have been on a estrogen patch for 22 years. The three months I went without it was agony.

Have you considered therapy? You will need a strong advocate, someone who is on your side only, someone with skills to ease tough situations. You have three big problems here, all intertwined. One, loss of self, two a daughter who also feels the effect of losing not only her privacy, but her Grandmom, 3 a husband who is losing his wife and his mother, all at the same time. You need a good therapist fast before all four of you go under.

Hang in there. Everyone on this site is on your journey. You are not alone.
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YOU DONT HAVE TO TAKE YOHR ENTIRE FAMILY'S RESPONSIBLITY ON YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE FOUR DAUGHTERS..
EIGHT GRAND DAUGHTERS
DIVIDE THE WORK :D
You mother in law is an old woman and my mom has trouble with her too.. But if theres one thing old people love is being around the younger gen.. Drop the kids and the MIL at the movies, have them spend some time out of the house.. Your MIL will enjoy it, the kids will get grandparent time, AND YOU WILL HAVE THE HOUSE YOURSELF :D
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You cope moment to moment & you do not allow our life to be absorbed by it all.

Sounds as if you need to make some changes in your home. Choices......
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Sounds like you need to get the MIL involved in something. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they would have information so you can make informed decisions. Maybe MIL would benefit from an adult medical day care or senior center if her dementia was not to advanced. Adult medical day care is a great program. The AAA also should have info on caregiver support programs that you could benefit from. If the MIL could go out to the adult day care that would give you several hours each day. It is difficult being a caregiver and more so if you're caring for someone with dementia. You can also contact the local Alzheimer's Association for more information on dementia and they also have a respite program. I think it's important to keep MIL busy during the day and it gives you a break. Good luck.
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Forget the above, she is your husbands mother and has looked after him when he was growing up so deserves the best care from the pair of you as she will not be around forever as alzheimer's is a terrible illness, the MIL isn't being awkward on purpose, just try to be kind. I'm sure your doing the best you can in fact i have no doubt in that at all but just be kind to her and you will be ok.

Rob
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MOL needs to go to an assistant living. Your husband should see that.
I am moving to an assistant living place here in Vancouver, WA. It is my daughter's idea and I am not ready for that. She feels like if I get worse, an opening my not be available. I don't think I am going to like it one bit. It is a one room and I have 3 rooms of stuff. She wants to have a yard sale of things I have no room for. I wish I had told her to take a hike. I am 83 and have some memory issues and arthritis in my knees and hands. I am still able to write books and they are on sale at Amazon, so I am not too far gone. Good luck to you who are dealing with family members who are in assistant living places.
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I am in a very similar situation, my husband and I had to give up our jobs abroad to move to the UK to look after his mother with dementia, who has moved in our new house. I love my husband, `i love my house, but it was a great mistake on my behalf agreeing to look after his mother. I clean, cook, serve, wash, attend for her every need, and she is a poisonous ungrateful misery who ruined my nerves and health and nearly my relationship with my husband! My husband helps but he works now and I have to suffer her the most. She takes everything `i say wrong, she creates gossips about me, whispers to every visitor or neighbour about me, attacks with shocking words and wouldn't shut up fighting and blaming me in all of her unhappiness. Putting her out in a care home right now is not an option according to my husband, I am so exhausted and never felt lonelier before, since I have no family or friends of my own in the UK. And my husband siblings and family could not care less about their mother or never consider coming and helping me out. SO, since you posted your question over a year ago, I sincerely hope the monster is out of your life and you feel much happier right now! Hugs from another suffering caregiver :)
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Lost, where in the UK are you? Are you in touch with local support groups? It must be terribly hard being in a foreign country - God knows it's a difficult enough job, caring for a crabby elder, even when you're in the bosom of your own community. I'm English, so you do have at least one friend here on the forum who's in your neck of the woods :)
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