My mother-in-law is in hospice care at her nursing home with Alzheimer's disease. They have given a 6 month prognosis based on her health, although they said time could vary. My husband of course is taking this news very hard, especially because their father died 6 yrs ago. Their family has also had to deal with my brother-in-law having asphasia due to a car accident years ago. My heart hurts for my husband and their family because of all they have been through. And I really don't know what to say after hearing that they will be enduring yet another heartache. And I really don't know what to ask on here other than, what can I do to be there for my husband and his family? I know I cannot take away the pain or stop what is happening to their mother. But I just want advice on what my role would be under these circumstances or how to be a better emotional support system. Or am I just better to be silent and stay out of the way? I find myself apologizing a lot because I myself have not lost a parent and I feel like I don't have the "right" words to say. I know there aren't any "right" words, but I'm just looking for advice or wise words from others in similar situations. Thank you
I am posting again, to update on my mother in laws current state as well to prepare myself for the journey that we will be through with the wisdom and words that have been posting by all of you. My mother in law is now on her final stage of Alzhimers we have seen the sudden decline back in July when she had gotten a UTI. And now the hospice team has given her about 2 weeks.
I dont know if i brought this up before, but i do have 3 small children, 7, 5, and 1yr old. I spoke to them about their grandma being ill back in July and my son (7) took it very hard after seeing her not speak or being able to open her eyes. I am starting to get a little worried about how they might react to this current news. As it is hard as an adult to deal with grief and I am worried it might scar them.
My husband's birthday just passed and I gave him a book of pictures if his mother with our children and his siblings. We've visited with her many times between my last post and my mother in law had also become a grandmother to another grandaughter of her other son.
She has been through so much with falls, and infections, and hospitalizations and the progression of her illness among it all. Now it seems the time is near.
I just want to thank you all so much for being so kind to others on here looking for advice or just an ear. Many prayers are going to be needed for me and my family and may strength find us all during our most weakest times.
You can say nothing with a facial expression and body language of empathy. You can give hugs and say I’m sorry this is happening. You can say, let me know if there is something I can do. Don't feel obliged to say something. Listening is usually the best thing.
As for being there - Be sensitive to you husband’s and family’s cues. You will be able to naturally read those signals and act accordingly. For instance, if you talk and he doesn’t answer look and see if he is quaking, and choked up and so needs a semi-long loving hug which will often beat out words by miles.
And when a family member needs shoring up you simple sit next to them, if they are open for it, simply touch their hand and sense if they only need an ear. Ask if they want a coffee, or to be accompanied for a walk. Let them lead the conversation.
As for apologizing for having living parents - Don’t ever, ever vocalize that even if it’s to explain your awkward and uncomfortable feelings and lack of the imagined magic words. This show is not about you. Bite the bullet. Loss is inevitable. When your time comes you will not reject the kind expression of commiseration from even a clueless child or dog. Sweet is sweet and that’s understood and appreciated even when people trip over their words in such a situation.
What is you role - You are part of a family, attending/witnessing a life experience, becoming part of a unique shared history. These milestones entwines, binds and identifies yours as a family.
Is your MIL lucid? If she is reminisce with her. Gently thank her for whatever, include for giving you such a terrific husband. Ask her if there is something she’d like you to do? Perhaps you can bring her a family album. Does she have houseplants that need watering.
Hospice is new to her too, she may not know what to ask for. See if she’d like a little ice cream or something from outside hospice. Ask the attendants if they have some ice cream. If they do great and maybe very good enough. Next time bring in her favorite.
During quiet times, hold her hand and give her a gentle smile with eyes that do not show pity and sadness but that sparkle instead with a look that says I’m here, and you’re wonderful.
Emarirod, you sound like a very good hearted and good thinking person. You're probably doing better than you realize.
Warmest regards,
M
a wonderful way to start such a conversation.
Love your MIL, your husband and your family just as you are. Love yourself too, you are all grieving and will be for a while. Sending lots of positive energy and strength your way.
Please have him take advantage of the Hospice Chaplain. There is also a Social Worker that the family can talk to if there are any questions.
Nothing really will change the course of events. Having Hospice will be another set of caring eyes and a well trained staff that will make sure that your MIL is comfortable.
My in laws were/are pretty young i believe. My father in law passed away at 56 but he was bedridden for a long time from a stroke. And my mother in law i believe is only in her early 60s. She started showing signs of dementia shortly after her husband died.
I dont believe they thought they wouldn't lose their parents. But i think it is just the series of these unfortunate events happening so close together, back to back, that is kind of broken their spirits and left them feeling unlucky in life. And they are not close to their extended family as well so they kind of feel alone in this and trying to rally together amongst themselves.
He's still grieving his father's death 6 years ago? That's a long time, really. Did he expect his parents would never die? All families go through some sort of what you're experiencing. MOST families will see their parents go before they do. That is the 'norm'.
Are your inlaws quite young? Or had they had long, happy lives?
Everyone will lose someone they love, it's the nature of life. I'm sorry your hubby is suffering from such grief. Maybe some counseling with a grief counselor will help.
OP, continue to be present for your husband and know that there is no time limit on grief. Your presence will mean more than you realize. Ask your husband how he's doing and listen to him. If he's not ready to talk at that moment, respect him. Understand that later he may want to talk. Also, know that you're grieving, too. Honor yourself as you process what's happening with your MIL.