My mother in law is in late stages of Alzheimer's. Me, my husband, brother i n law and father in law are trying to get through this difficult disease. I have three kids (8, 5 and 1), a stay at home mom. My hubby and father in law and brother in law have their own business. So two days a week I'm with her and the three children. she cannot do anything around the house like cleaning or cooking. She does not like showers, brushing her teeth or changing cloths. My father in law does most of this and she fights him over it. She can hardly talk to us. Its just words that make no sense or sounds. My kids play and it aggravates her because they are to loud. She refuses to eat for me and is starting to do the same with my father in law. I have been in this family for 10 years and she don't know me anymore. I sit with her 2 days a week and her moods toward me and kids are taking a toll. I'm trying so hard to help them by staying with her while they work. Any advice would help.
There are 3 of you caring for your mom and even then I'm sure it's challenging. On the days when you're alone with her I think you need some professional assistance.
Does your FIL have some money to spare? If he does, he needs to part with some of it. I think this is the most common failure of families: not wanting to spend any money to help themselves, their family caregivers or their loved ones.
Tell your FIL to get someone in to clean the house if he can't do it. Call senior social services and see how much Meals on Wheels would cost and what other services might be available to them either free or at greatly reduced cost. Mom had a lady cleaning her home and doing laundry for 2 hours every other week for a total of $48 for the month. She had Meals on Wheels for $5 a day.
It doesn't sound as if your MIL should be alone. Please. Call your local police department for the phone number for senior services in your area. They will send someone out to interview her and the family, evaluate her and see what services they might provide to ease your burden.
Is there an easier way to get them to brush their teeth? My father in law expressed how hard it was for him to get it done.
How can I do things without her getting angry with me?( like change her underwear and pants)
The other issue is compliance. When you talk to your toddler, you command him gently, You have to do that with MIL now, because she is a child mentally.
Finally, the eating issue. You will find great relief when she goes on hospice (free, part of medicare), and they can go on and off hospice numerous times depending on condition. The service will come to the house, wash her and help you all learn what the body is doing as it winds down. Losing weight is one of the requirements before going on hospice Not only is is a normal part of dementia, but it shows the end is near. If she refuses food, it's ok - it means she is not hungry, and that is part of the way we are designed to come to an end. It would be so much better for her to maintain some dignity before she goes, rather than to be trapped inside her useless body that can't walk, move, or tell you she's hurting. That's a DNR / PLOST order is so important - when the Lord calls her home, you don't want to be in His way and block His will by making her stay here longer. God bless you as you assist in this noble cause!
Since she is in the late stages of dementia it may be very appropriate at this point to have her evaluated for hospice care. This is a special kind of service for those in the end stage of their lives. The goal is not to "cure" them or make them "better" but to ensure as much quality as possible, and as much freedom from pain and distress, for the remainder of their lives. If she is evaluated and they concur that she is eligible for the services, take advantage of them! If it isn't time yet, ask what to watch for and call on them later.
My husband died in our home, holding my hand. He had been on hospice care 5 weeks. My mother was on hospice care in a nursing home for about three months and then was discharged from the program because she improved so much. Hospice does not hasten death or prolong life. They are just there to help the entire family through the natural experience as it unfolds.
Of course you hate to hear that her body is winding down. This is very sad. But if it is true -- and hospice can help determine that -- then knowing it and acting accordingly is a blessing to all concerned.
My heart goes out to all of you. Please keep us informed as this progresses. Many of us have been where you and where your FIL is now. We care!