I am having a hard time. She had open heart surgery a year ago on our anniversary of our wedding. She is serbian and wants my husband all to herself. She has gone to the neighbors and said I am beating her when I work all the time. She says she wants to do anything in her power to get us to divorce. My husband doesn't see that she never showers, throws away all the food we have prepared, doesn't brush her teeth, hides dirty clothes and food in the room, she is getting worse and my husband doesn't see it. She is so mean to me. My husband has to give her the pills because she will flush them otherwise. I so want to put her in a home where she could maybe be happier but my husband says it is too expensive and wants her to live with us. I hate him for it and he lets her be mean to me. My family is supportive but says its up to me to stay or not. I picked him and my vows were important but is love enough?
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.
It takes time to heal from an assault such as this, but you can and will go on.
Draw near to your own family at this time, and be kind to yourself. If, in your mind, you must rehearse what has happened, that would not be healthy for you.
Did you see a counselor, therapist yet?
How are things today, after 4 months?
Best wishes as you continue, walk straight ahead, hold your head up. Smile.
This is the kind of situation that doesn't have good options because of the refusals and adamant positions taken by MIL and your husband. Try to remember this and focus on the things that are important, like your own self esteem.
I think it wouldn't hurt to explore with a professional, including your rabbi, why you feel like you're "a mess" b/c of MIL claims you're the "cause of everything bad in her life."
Even if you know it's not true, I'm wondering why it's affecting you so seriously. Again, I think the cultural differences or perhaps your MIL's strong, willful and antisocial behavior might be the causes.
Take your parents advice, is my thinking. At least get away for awhile and let that silly knobhead of a husband see how hard it is. (Sorry if I offended -- far too many husbands are macho s**t heads.)
You did go out into the serbian community and talked to some people who said this is all normal. Now, I recommend you stand up and fight for your rightful place beside your husband. That does not mean your place is as a servant. A woman's role can be one of managing the household.
Take some money, and go out into the serbian community again, seeking a caregiver-type person with the cultural norms to take charge of Mil's bathing, cleaning her room, while still respecting her dignity. Mil will feel better, maybe act better when she is cleaned up. Someone who speaks her language and culture, but who knows you are the woman of the house, not her servant. Clean everybody up, get dressed up, and start having friends over to your home.
You can buy mil a wonderful dress with her money, showing her how much you care.
Just guessing here, because I don't have a clue about your life or cultural norms.
You just seem so sad, and tearful, and burnt out. I wanted to help.
If I was in your situation, I would run from her and use the money to rent a room in a decent household, move in there myself maybe. But I hate any kind of abuse, no wonder you have been crying.
Keep checking back so you can get support here.
In the United States there are laws that prevent abuse-even if that were the cultural norm in another country-one cannot live that way and should not have to live that way in a free country. However, it is very sad that a human being is abused. If love were enough, if faith were enough, the laws protecting you should be enough. This would allow you the freedom to leave. Please keep America a free society by not accepting abuse, and if you cannot make real changes, then leave to a safe place. If divorce is not the answer because of your faith, then live apart without divorcing.. In my opinion.
Living with an enemy inside your home, hell-bent to get the two of you divorced
is just wrong.
You are not so alone, you have friends here.
Hugs.
I agree with the other posters, but if push comes to shove -- if I can do it, certainly you can. [[[cyber-HUG]]]
Jackie, I don't mean it's not a good idea to take time out, I'm sure it is. But make it a rest for yourself rather than a lesson for your husband. Maybe you'll come back with some fresh ideas about how to wake him up?
For me, it's very difficult to guess what part of the problem is cultural and what part is Jackie's MIL being just incredibly hostile to her, for reasons that may well have absolutely nothing to do with anything Jackie's ever done.
Well! A hostile old woman with health problems is one thing. You can outrun her, for a start :) But I think I'd find it harder to cope with a husband's indifference to her hostility, or rather his wilful refusal even to acknowledge it.
How were all the respective relationships going before your MIL had her surgery and moved in?
These men do not know how to set boundaries with their mothers and want to avoid conflicts with their mothers by sticking their heads in the sand and letting their wives do their "dirty work" for them. When it comes to their mommas, many men are cowards or just too timid. Wives see this side of their husbands and it's very unappealing.
Stop going to check on your MIL during the day. You are being abused and by continually going back to your abuser, you are enabling her to abuse you more.
Stop trying to help your MIL because she doesn't want your help. Let your husband deal with his mother and experience her in all her stinky glory.
You have a supportive family and be grateful for that! Make use of that network of support that you have. Would your family want you being abused like this? What does your mother have to say? Are you truthful with your family? This is not your fault and you needn't feel ashamed of what is going on.
All that said, if you choose to fight for your marriage, then tour some assisted living facilities and gather brochures from ones that are affordable and satisfactory. At a counseling session with your husband, do not let him turn it into fixing you! Rather, pull out the brochures and present them to your husband and tell him to pick one. You will have a third party in the room to witness your efforts to heal your marriage from this intruder. And that's what your MIL is right now - an intruder. Your counselor needs to help you convey this message to your husband. If he doesn't get it and continues to make it all about you, the counselor will explain that he's destroying his marriage.
You need to stop being the victim, take action, give him a couple of options for housing for his mother, and be prepared to accept his decision. But I think first he needs to see what it's like to take care of his mother himself. And while he's learning that very hard lesson, you need to go about your business and prepare yourself for whatever happens.
One more thing from my experience with my own MIL. You are not her child. You must relate to her like a grownup woman. She doesn't respect you because you have taught her it's okay not to respect you even in your own home. As long as you're still living at home, stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
As I was thinking over your situation, I was remembering the nature of men in my mother's cultural community. Armenian men typically are dominant. They're the boss - they even lead in the open circle dances! Armenian women either accept it - some are docile and meek, or others become strong and aggressive to battle the male dominance.
These are cultural factors that I've seen from personal interaction and observation. And I haven't seen much change over the years. Mountains only move gradually or during volcanic or seismic events. And women generally can't equal the force of either of these.
So, you need to move yourself away from the mountain (not to be corny or simplistic or anything).
You'll need to decide (after lots of thinking, perhaps counseling and discussion) whether there's a way that you can accept the situation, probably with nominal if any changes. If so, then work on methods of acceptance, such as limiting your interaction with MIL, limiting what you do for her, etc.
However, if this isn't the way you want to be married and live for perhaps several years, then you begin to think about finding your own way and moving on w/o MIL, and perhaps without your husband.
I know it's easy to write this - it's a lot more challenging because he is YOUR husband, so hopefully this will seem like more objective advice because I'm outside the situation looking in, not literally trapped inside looking out.
It seems to me you have resources of your own, especially working, that you could work on and leverage into supporting yourself. Are there any children involved?
Again, I really would contact JWF - in my experience they offer more than any other religious outreach organization and don't limit their clients to Jewish people. They were even recommended by one home care social worker a few years back. And when I've briefly chatted with a representative at the Area Agency on Aging caregiver expos in past years, they were always ready and willing to extend their services to those in need.
But do give yourself all the time you need so you don't feel pressured into making a decision.
I would draft a series of steps that could change the home situation. Try them, if there's resistance and things can't be changed, it would help you inch your way toward a decision - and "inching" is approprate - this isn't a situation to be decided lightly, as it may seem from my posts - but again, I'm outside it, and I'm projecting into the future.
And, I'm glad you're crying tears of happiness!
Yes, you are right I am jewish and they are othrodox. Maybe my rabbi can help me. I agree it is a mess and their culture is never going to accept me. It just hurts.
Personally, I think this is an intractable situation, and the love you feel for him is going to diminish with what I suspect is an ingrained attitude toward male and female roles. The MIL intervention was the trigger, and you're probably seeing attitudes that existed but until this time weren't reflected as strongly in his character.
What you also might want to consider is talking to your rabbi or Jewish Welfare Federation - they have an extensive variety of support and outreach options (at least here in SE Michigan that's the case).