I am having a hard time. She had open heart surgery a year ago on our anniversary of our wedding. She is serbian and wants my husband all to herself. She has gone to the neighbors and said I am beating her when I work all the time. She says she wants to do anything in her power to get us to divorce. My husband doesn't see that she never showers, throws away all the food we have prepared, doesn't brush her teeth, hides dirty clothes and food in the room, she is getting worse and my husband doesn't see it. She is so mean to me. My husband has to give her the pills because she will flush them otherwise. I so want to put her in a home where she could maybe be happier but my husband says it is too expensive and wants her to live with us. I hate him for it and he lets her be mean to me. My family is supportive but says its up to me to stay or not. I picked him and my vows were important but is love enough?
Maybe, she has always been fierce, but what you describe is way beyond that. It's quite sad. I would be concerned that she's going to really harm herself or do something quite damaging being left without supervision or treatment. If your husband won't budge, I would just try to protect myself. I wish you all the best.
Yes I have looked into serbian places around town and they all know her and my husband. They say its normal. She has been here for 50 years and we are not in Serbia anymore. I am Jewish, so you are right that is probably part of the problem. I just want to be happy and I am just crying all the time. I used to a positive person. Maybe you are right maybe I just need to seperate for a while. I just love him. It really is hard. I feel like the older I get the harder things are. I work at his office but I can work anywhere. I used to be able to work from home but not with her there. I do something seperate from my husband. But I help him a lot. I thought love would be enough but its not. I feel like he is just cool with everything and he said I was the one that wanted her to live with us but thats not true. I said she could not live by herself. She can't take care of herself. I just need a hug I think. I feel very alone.
1. You can leave. It sounds as though your family would be supportive while you find a new job and a new place to live.
2. You can see if there is someone with some influence with your husband, clergy, mom's doctor, someone with standing in the community who can point out to him that his mother is ill and needs help.
I would start with standing your ground, including refusal to take her anyplace or be with her in public. But I think this is a larger issue involving old country male and female roles, and your husband is not going to support you. If that's the case, you have some serious considerations to weigh.
If husband expects you to continue to be a doormat, and you already hate him, it's time for you to seriously consider separate lives. I doubt your husband is going to change; why should he, for his mother, and with what seems to be a total lack of cooperation?
However, his lack of support suggests to me he's either turning a blind eye toward the situation, doesn't see the problems or want to get involved, or just thinks it's acceptable.
Do you have a job or career? Can you support yourself on your own?
Another possibility is to try to find Serbian cultural groups in your area; network with members and see if others face similar situations. It wouldn't surprise me if there's a strong cultural element and ingrained attitudes influencing MIL's behavior.
But you DON'T have to tolerate her abuse, uncleanliness or inexcusable behavior.
Perhaps you need to step back from contact with her, and allow her son to do the caregiving. Including cleaning out her room.
Have you ever given any thought to the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist? Talking about your disappointment in your marriage and in your husband might help.
Do you work outside of the home? Who cares for her while you do?
If you don't have a job, i highly recommed getting one.
Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist or neurologist?