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Thank you, everyone. Sunny, I save the PDF and plan on reading it later. I'm so tired at the moment I can't read. I had so many errands today. I stumbled into an old friend's memorial service late -- I had forgotten about it. On the way home, I got behind a city truck spewing diesel fumes. It choked me almost to death. And then came home to a hot house. GRRR. I am exhausted. I wish I could just lie down and take a nap. At least I did get get something for my mother's birthday I think she will like.

I had everything mapped out about what I was going to do. I planned to have Mom stay at home until I could no longer care for her, then see about placing her in a facility about 5 miles from here. Sounds simple, but it is a lot more complicated than that. Thank you, everyone, for your help and ideas. Think I'll take a 10-minute power nap to try to get back up to par.
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Jessie, sorry to hear about your Mom, I know it is a handful dealing with stubborn parents. It can be a maze. Should I do this, or should I do that? What if I am wrong?

Believe me, I never hesitated to dial 911 any time either of my parents had fallen, and in my area there are also female EMT's and they are pretty much no nonsense, thus a different approach compared to the male EMT's who seemed more comforting.

I removed my parents from their geriatric doctor even though she was excellent... my parents didn't like her because [gasp] she was a woman and what do women know about being a doctor.... [rolling eyes].... she was their doctor for 10 years and got my parents to live to 94 and 98.

Anywho, a couple months ago I switched my parents over to the urgent care facility where the emergency care doctors also take in regular patients. So nice to just walk in without an appointment.... ok, sometimes my parents had to wait, but the office was literally just around the corner.
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There is good and caring advice here.

I will also offer some information in a brochure about making touch decisions for those with dementia and infections and other illnesses. It really gave me a lot to think about. It explains why transferring to a hospital may not have the effect that you expect. I was surprised to learn that it may actually do more harm than good. It offers a lot of guidance on many issues.
See pages starting at page 21 regarding treating infections.
avoidablecare/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Sharpe-Handbook-A-Caregivers-Guide-to-Advance-Dementia.pdf
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I missed a couple of your points:

1. How to make decisions when they're all bad? Unfortunately, the choice is which is the least worst, and the best for your mother and you, which sometimes can be a conflict in and of itself. This is when it helps to have some good assistance from reliable medical professionals whose nicknames aren't Dr. MaGoo.

2. Planning: step by step, with the first being diagnosis, then evaluation, then planning (which I know you understand but just are having some rough times doing so now). Sometimes even the discharge planners can help, either by making good recommendations, or even not so good ones to which you react negatively and decide to eliminate at least some of their suggestions.

3. This isn't easy, but try to pretend that you're handling this case for someone who isn't your mother - distance yourself, pretend you're the case manager for someone with your mother's symptoms. The more you can separate yourself emotionally (and I know that's very difficult), the more you can think clearly.

4. Make sure to take some down time for yourself, even if it's just a cup of hot cider, tea, coffee, or a quick stroll outside to luxuriate in the balmy fall weather.

4.
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Jessie, I'm so sorry to read about this development. Although I'm glad your mother is feeling better today, I also agree that a plan is in order. Having been through a few of these mental cyclones, I can understand it's hard to even clear your mind.

Maybe this will help?

The next time something happens, resolve to call EMTs and have your mother taken to the ER, even if she resists. Maybe you can hint that it will be nice to be treated by young, handsome men? I recall reading on another post that one elderly woman liked the EMTs for that reason (and b/c they paid a lot of attention to her!).

I've seen how easily they can deal with stubborn patients and work their magic; they're trained to do it and can do so professionally while I'm stressing out and trying to plan ahead.

At least the ER staff can run tests which can't be done at home, so you can find out for sure if there's anything going on. That would at least provide a specific treatment option or relief as to the UTIs.

I guess at that point you have a couple of choices, depending on her condition: (a) back to home, with hopefully some home care scripted by a doctor, or (b) a place that can provide the level of care she needs.

You can research as to option (b), so at least you have a head start.

As to the doctors, you may remember when I had problems in October with my father's last hospitalization. After seeing 2 of his regular treating doctors, they agreed that I was right to challenge the early planned release. One recommended a geriatrician who she thought was more suitable to treatment of the elderly. I will follow up on that.

If you're not comfortable with the current doctor, and if your mother is admitted, you can tell them you had a PCP or whatever, but that you don't have confidence in his/her ability to continue treating your mother. Or that you feel someone with more specialized experience should handle the hospitalization. Sometimes "out with the old and in with the new" is a good approach, especially if you're losing confidence in a doctor.

Perhaps then you'll get a hospitalist. That might even be better for your mother.

Hang in there; you're in rough waters now and probably will be, but the folks here on this forum are your cyber life preservers.

I wish you peace, for both you and your mother.
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I remember back in the day when the PCP did these things. How did it ever get so screwy?
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Uncharted waters is what makes this such a tough job, Jessie. Getting a case manager sounds like a dandy idea!
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Getting and keeping a good doctor is so hard these days now that they are congregating in hospital clinics. My mother's first doctor retired. I had a very hard time finding her another doctor, so ended up going with UAB Geriatrics. She had a good doctor there. But the doctor went on maternity leave, then left for TX. My mother was then transferred over to Dr. Mrs. Magoo.

My brothers are indeed not helpful except for a phone calls. One will show up at the hospital and the other at the funeral. I don't blame them. If I were smart I would be doing the same thing!
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She is feeling so much better this morning after such a bad day yesterday. I feel like I dodged a bullet. This is nerve wracking. Glad there is a place to talk. I feel so totally incompetent in dealing with end of life things.
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Hey Jessie;( If you get a hospice consult, they should be able to tell you whether she is eligible for hospice or whether there is another route to take of medical treatment if she's NOT eligible. Don't they have to visit the home? And it might be a different doctor than Magoo. I know that your mother will resist, but you are burnt to a crisp right now. Please take care of yourself too - your brothers won't.
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Hi JessieBelle,
My mom ended up in the ER last week for dehydration and sever abdominal pains. It turns out she has diverticulitis. Anyway, the trip to the ER was very helpful. The staff were wonderful and they got me hooked up with a care manager who is going to help me coordinate all of her different doctors and make sure we're all on the same page. She also said that I could contact her directly anytime for emergencies or just concerns. Maybe if you took your mom to the ER you might get similar result. hugs!
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Hospice is something I'm thinking about. At the moment I feel like I'm in the middle of a maze, trying to figure out which direction to head. I wish there was a guide somewhere. Her doctor is like dealing with Mrs. Magoo, but maybe that is a good starting point? Or maybe just going to the ER and seeing if they will admit her and take it from there?

The thing we hear sometimes on AC is that we have no training in doing these things. That is so true.

Mom got up this morning and seems to be feeling a little better than she did last night. It is a relief. But I know that I need to get some kind of plan going for her. I know it won't be too far down the road. How do we figure out what is best when all options seem bad? I wish I were on a beach in Hawaii, instead of going through this maze.
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Oh Jessie! I'm so sorry to hear this.

Do you have a local Hospice organization that might be able to do an assessment? Visiting nurse?
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