Mother is near 89. Are we crazy for thinking about moving her into our home?

Beatty,

Aren’t you smart? 😊

I like your way of thinking!

Can you afford full time aids? The vaccine is on the way and will go to nursing homes first. Do you work? Would she be isolated at home? If she moves in be prepared unfortunately for crises.

I work in a very good AL. It is hard on residents to be quarantined. As things improve in the facility in terms of incidence, more access is permitted including outside visits. People are lonely when the most strict restrictions are in place. I believe the worst is over and a vaccine is on the way soon. Does your mom like it there in general before covid?

You are being naive. If you move her in with you she will dominate every thought word and action you do. Try going out on a date with your wife; “Where are you going? How long will you be gone? Who are you going to be with? Why can’t I come?” When my wife and I would sit on the porch together we would see her peeking through the blinds watching us. Not just for a second but actually watching us.

And consider that your mom is as good as she will ever be.
This won’t last and you have to consider being on call 24 x 7 for a sick old lady who is failing mentally and physically.

You have it good right now, so does she. It’s a bad move, don’t do it.

Short answer: yes.

Yes

VERY much so. This would likely ruin all three of your lives and relationships.

Home care is best, and less likelihood of her getting the COVID. but you better get educated what is required for home care. My mom was 100% total care. She was the center of my life for years and years and years, and when she died I was left an emotional cripple and am still recovering from her death. You see, I lost my own identity and everything I did evolved around mum. I no longer was able to function without her and she died on me.

It's been a little over a year, and it is still hard on me, but I've managed to forge my own life out of necessity. There is life after mum. I grown to realize people DO die--they are supposed to. I call life an ordeal and her ordeal of living and dying is over. I am thankful despite her insulin-dependent diabetes, kidney disease (from insulin-dependent diabetes), hypertension, and history of cancer, she had the most most horrible Alzheimer's imaginable but mum lived to be 90 but required enormous quantities of care, which I provided. She died not ever needing a single drop of psychotropics or narcotics, and I used Hospice like a clinic as I made them do labs, urine tests, and whatever else was necessary and just to renew her medications--insulin and lopressor--and although her cholesterol was high (around 225), I could not treat it because of her Alzheimer's. I mean if she had side effects from statins she could not tell me so I had to wing it. I kept her going and walked her in the park everyday for 5 years and she was bedridden only 2-1/2 months because she forgot how to stand. She could not focus on that task. Still with a Hoyer lift every day I would put her on her easy chair, then back to bed, and I would change her diapers about 5 to 6 times a day, and inspect her skin, have plenty of ointments. I bathed her, and I made certain she was put on a bowel schedule. She pooed every Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays and with lactulose she did that like clockwork. That in itself consumed HOURS of my time and you have to get used to cleaning up your own parent including private parts so she would not get a urinary tract infection. You don't have a choice because she ended up not being able to do it! CAN YOU DO THAT?

And you BETTER make sure she poos because if mum did not have a bowel movement the 4th day she would get IMPACTED, which is serious. That means the stool is so hard and large it cannot pass--Emergency room!

Ironically mum died of OTHER natural causes not related to Alzheimer's (I ended up having to put a feeding tube in her, which requires a ***LOT*** of care) and she did great with that. I did not want her to die of dehydration which can take 2 weeks. Mum died in total peace and hospice came over daily to ensure she is comfortable and not once did we have to break open that emergency kit. Not once! And when mum died, her skin was in perfect condition.

I do NOT regret taking care of mum. You only have one mum and when she dies you will never see her again. I would give my soul to the devil if I could have her back, but that would be selfish due to her multiple health issues, and I am thankful I had her that long with her multiple health problems, and her death was the most peaceful anybody could ever want. She did not suffer at all. I remember when mum died she opened her eyes and took two deep breaths and that was it.

But oh my God I miss her so badly. Still, as the saying goes life does go on and mum would not want me miserable, so I live on without her. Despite mum's very advanced Alzheimer's she would rarely come back and she said she loves me and she managed to say thank you for taking care of her. That's the most precious thing I will ever have in my life. Mum was the only thing I ever cared about in my life. Nobody else.

When you bring her home, make certain you get all the legal crap in order including estate planning, wills, POA, and pre-arranged funeral which means seeing an eldercare attorney. Death is a legal quagmire. Even with estate planning

You need to think about why you didn't move her in with you to begin with because those reasons have not gone anywhere.  I know that this entire year has been hard on everyone, but you need to think about being with her and taking care of her 24/7.  Just think about that for a minute.  No privacy.  Her needs are going to have to come first because she can't take care of herself.  You can't go anywhere without planning for someone to come in and care for her.  That in itself is a challenge during covid.  Have you tried working with her facility to have scheduled face time visits on a regular basis?  There are multiple vaccines right around the corner.  My advice is to hold out for the vaccine and schedule more phone calls and face time visits.

No matter how well your wife and your mother have gotten along in the past, no matter how much they love each other, there will be problems and you will be in the middle. You will be most of the problems actually. Take away the component of having to physically care for your mom and just consider the emotional aspects of it. Two women who love the same man, each thinks it's her place to sit beside him at dinner, each thinks it is her place to answer him when he asks a question, each one feels they know him better, love him more etc, etc. Maybe that was just the problems I had, but it caused a great deal of stress on everyone. You will have absolutely no privacy with your wife anymore. Not even a conversation much less going out together, traveling, intimacy. Our situation was so bad that even holding hands, washing dishes, kissing him goodbye would set my mother-in-law off and she would be so angry with me. Why didn't he come tell her goodbye, why doesn't he want to sit with her at night snuggling watching tv. It just changes everything. Everything. Please have your wife think through this and the ramifications that could come with it. No situation is perfect, but it just seems that the scenarios in which mother of the husband comes to live there is most of the time conflict about the husband, which you just never think will happen UNTIL it is there everyday. There will be resentment on all sides. Wishing you the best of luck in making your decision. It's usually a heartbreaker any way you chose.

"I think a hard part for us is what happens when it is time for her to go...when we can no longer take care of her?"--By that point, your mother would probably need NH care, but this likely would have happened even if she had stayed in AL the whole time instead of in your home. If you take her home and it works out well, you will have made her happy for that much more time.

Yes Yes Yes.
The sooner the better. Seniors being isolated is causing so much depression which leads to death and they are usually under staffed and with tge virus around would be safer in your home.

You said you had a large home so just hire a Caregiver to help out, so you and your wife will still have a life.

Of course, you should let your mom know your thoughts and see what she thinks and feels.

Crazy? No. Romanticizing caretaking a little bit? Maybe.

About 2 weeks before my mom passed, my husband had a kidney stone attack. Because we couldn't leave mom alone, he had to drive himself to the ER to get taken care of. It was horrible - I had to make a decision- take spouse (who really is my second responsibility after my kids) or take care of mom who really wasn't able to be left alone for such a long period of time. If your wife gets sick to the point where you have to take care of her, you might find yourself in the very unenviable position I was in. And I was lucky, relatively speaking, because we knew what was wrong with my husband, and what the likely treatment would be. If it had been something we weren't sure of, then I really would have been in trouble.

I bring this up for a reason. I've seen many, many discussions on this forum, especially since the pandemic started, about the debate leaving LO in a facility vs. bringing them into someone's home. I've seen discussions on keeping your LO safe, should you bring them into your home, from exposure to the illness.

However, I haven't seen anyone say "oh, and I have a concrete back-up plan should I get the virus and am too ill to take care of said LO".

My husband and I have a friend our age (his 50's) who was on a ventilator for over 60 days. Yes, I said 60 days. He was one of the lucky few who survived being on a ventilator that long. He got off it in June; it's now November, and he is not even close to 100% healthy. He can barely take care of himself, much less anyone else.

So my question to you is this: do you have anyone onboard who, should your wife and you contract this disease and mom doesn't, who can put their life on hold to jump in and take care of mom until such a time that you are well enough to take care of her again? And I'm not talking about just the time you are contagious; I'm talking until you feel well enough to take on the huge responsibility of taking care of her? This is something you need to have lined up BEFORE you bring her home - and make sure the person you recruit for this is 100% tried and true to their word!

I hope you can reach a decision that brings you peace.

My mother who's almost 89 just moved in with me and my husband.
We created a lower level large bedroom, bath, kitchenette area for her. She has a large area that she can use outside of her room if she chooses but loves her own room.
She comes up to eat lunch and dinner with us. I prepare the meals and help her with her laundry
So far so good.
I know things can change fast in life but I'm hoping we are providing companionship and support while she's able to live here, hopefully to the end.

Just being intuitive here. Assuming the "president elect" actually becomes president, I personally believe there will be another full lockdown end of January/beginning of February, based on previous expressed intentions. We all know what that will mean in terms of visits to the elderly, moving the elderly from care homes, etc.

In March we were all blindsided by the virus and subsequent fallout. This time we all have warning.

No specific advice as every situation is different and personal. I would just urge everyone to keep this in mind.

First time fooled, shame on you. Second time fooled, shame on me.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Knowing what I know about being a caregiver...
DON’T do this. It will be demoralizing to her, having lost what little independence and privacy she has left. She could become extremely dependent on you for care to the point that your lives and schedule will revolve around her needs.

Yes, you are crazy. Additionally, if you have placed her in a quality facility she is not alone or isolated.

Oh, and may we all be so blessed as to have family like you! What does your mom say about it all? Can you arrange for some hired assistance to help with tasks she needs help with? Can she have her own space without concern for stairs? (or a stairchair/lift?) You are not crazy, you are sensitive and compassionate. I recently suffered a life threatening and unexpected illness and stupidly agreed to go to a rehab that had the restrictions in place for the greater good. I am here to tell you it was one of the worst experiences of my life, and led me to the conclusion that I couldn't DO WORSE at HOME. Even without any help. The loss of the comfort and support of family, friends (and especially my pup) was unbearable. I couldn't even be escorted outside when I asked at the rehab place. I say if mom is for it, go for it. There will always be another asstd living place looking for a warm body if it shouldn't work out...in fact if you continue to pay the rent, she could probably move in on a trial basis and you could all see how it goes?

When I joined this group a few years ago, my husband and I were taking care of my mom. I would vent about how hard it was ..... and it was hard. She had been with us for 6 or 7 years at the time and her health had gone down some.
Then, in 2017, she fell in the bathroom and broke her leg in two places. Hospital, then to what was considered one of the best nursing homes in city. Her leg healed but she was hurt several times over a year during subpar care - both PT and aides - that she could never walk again. We finally brought her home again. She died at home, as she wanted, a month after we brought her home. Both my husband and I deeply regret not bringing her home much earlier, no matter how hard it was to take care of her. Granted, our relationship with her was a good one, and I realize some people don't have that. We did not have a big home, or money for outside help, and my brothers did not volunteer to help - so you have so much more going for you than we did. Our only regret is not taking her out of a place where she was so unhappy and not well cared for sooner. But you need to do what you feel is right for you and your wife and mom.
Knowing what we know now, we would certainly take her in again.

Most ALs allow residents to interact without restrictions unless they have to quarantine. What if anything is her AL doing to keep residents active and engaged? She needs to be around people her own age.

What plans for yourselves have you and your wife discussed? For example, my husband and I are renting an RV and touring Civil War historic sites. You won't be able to just get up and go if she's living with you. And she could live another 10 years.

Bottom line: do you and your wife really want a roommate?

On one hand you feel guilty and sorry for your parents being in a facility and you love them and think they’ll be just fine with you, then on the other hand they get sicker and require more care and attention and the hard work that’s involved in caring for them can take a toll. If you take her in go all the way, no returns is the only way if that’s what you decide. Embrace it.

Make sure set up provider service for someone to keep her company, nursing homes are all mainly on lockdown n no visitation. Maybe find someone who lives in the neighborhood n maybe other elderly in area will do a game day or something at ur house n alternate homes n sitter 2 adults 1 caregivers to keep busy with games like cards or dominoes if they are still mind capable. Gives the other time away. Maybe even find elderly who take walks around the block I did it with my mom n Neighbors down the street but of course not when covid was here. Especially cuz senior centers n most daycare activity centers are closed but might be a great thing to get ur neighbors involved

Imho, I don't believe that you are crazy and I also don't believe you realize what you would be undertaking. Prayers sent.

One word, Yes! I know Covid is making it tough on visits but trust me, you will wished you waited the Covid issue out. Once you live with a elder, especially a parent, there will be demands of your time and energy constantly. I am assuming you have a good marriage. If you want to keep it in good standing, keep mom safely where she is. Honestly, bringing her out of AL during this virus time sounds more risky to her health. I sound blunt but I'm currently dealing with burnout. Ten years and counting. I've been in this situation. All I'm saying if she is already there then she is use to her surroundings. No need to rock the boat! Then your entire life will change. Little by little and after awhile the damage is done. Can't really describe in words what this has done to me as a person, mother, woman, mate. All bad, bad things and if I ever get out of this situation and I'm not sure I'll make it out, alive anyway, no telling how much time and therapy to get my mind right. You decide but remember my warnings!!

If you have no financial issues then let her be in a beautiful n nice AL. I wish I had that for my mom n I know she would like it too...

You are not crazy. You are wonderful.

You will never regret giving your mom all the love and care that you can.

It is not easy, but totally worth it. When you need a break, and you will, hire help to come in and give you a hand.

There are some uncomfortable jobs, such as showers and toileting that may come eventually. For me, it was helpful to get assistance with showers and bathing. Toileting was no big deal.

There are few times in life that we get the chance to really step up and be heroes. This is one of them.

Thank you for being a hero.

I really am beginning to hate the word "hero".

Could I tell you my great-aunt's story? Living with her daughter's family but decided that she wanted to break out and go to assisted living. Had to tell her daughter she appreciated all daughter's efforts, etc., but great-aunt was bored to death. Wanted to be around other people, make friends, experience day to day life, not the same old, same old. Have you thought this through? Are you willing to be social directors for your mom? What does she think about it? Keep in mind that home is not 100% safe either. Turned out great aunt loved her assisted living, made many friends of her own generation.

You aren't crazy, but be realistic. My MIL lived with us for 3 years before she passed at age 89. She was frail but independent when she moved in, but she eventually became total care. When she had to go to the bathroom, my husband would lift her up,pivot her to her bedside commode, I'd pull her pants down, she'd go, he'd lift her up, I'd clean her up, and he would swing her around to her wheelchair. She was ALWAYS appreciative and never failed to say thank you. It took some getting used to, but we kept her at home until she passed.

My parents moved in with us a little over 2 years ago. My Dad was in hospice and passed 2 months later. He had Parkinson's and became nonverbal in addition to being total care. He could, however, hold himself over to one side of the bed when I asked him too and I could always tell he was appreciative.

We could not have done it without each other's full support. I work at home and he is retired. Towards the end, though, we had to hire someone to help with their care.

My Mom is 92, has advanced dementia, and there have been times when I've wanted to force her to do something (or prevent her from doing something) and until I got used to her behavior and/or figured out a work around, it was horribly difficult. She isn't total care yet, but the only ADL she does is feed herself. I'm not complaining, though. She's very sweet and has shown more appreciation in the past 2 years than she did my entire lifetime before that.

I have 3 siblings, 1 local, 1 in Alaska, and 1 a 6-hour drive away. The one in Alaska offers moral support, a listening ear, is a sounding board, and brings me back to reality when I start to lose it. The 1 who is local helps some, but not as much as I'd like. Through therapy, I have come to realize that "reasonable is not always realistic" when it comes to getting help from her. The 1 who is 6 hours is the one I turn to when I can't figure out what to do. He would come get Mom in a minute, and has offered to have her visit for a weekend, a week or two, or permanently, if I needed or wanted he and his wife to help.

Be as realistic as you can when you think of your mother's future needs, as well as the needs of you and your wife. If at some point you can't meet her needs adequately, hopefully all of you will be grateful for the time you were able to take care of her.

Good luck and God bless!

If at home, Keep them occupied, like a picture book or puzzle, or something. Otherwise, they keep calling for you when you are busy. I know from experience.

I personally think AL is a better choice. But it's up to you.

My Dear Cope With Mother :
Been there done that but never went back to retrieve mother out of the Nursing Home. Many of times I wanted to go back months later & take her out I was burnt out & I did not like that feeling yes I visit her every day but it’s a whole lot different
. I see your mother Residence assisted-living & apparently she is still able to do a lot of independent work for herself. Remember why you place Mother there. because you couldn’t no longer attend to her needs/additional changes Unnecessary things additional viewing an outlook for her. I’m not saying we don’t love our parents because we do you always have to remember safety first for you & for her health wise you & her mother needed additional care &if that was the case you could’ve left her at her home & arranged Caregivers come into the home even if it was 24 hours using two nurses in a certain part of the day. You could stay with mother until after lunch & the 2 nursing system will take over after that but that didn’t take place . I’m saying if you take mother out of the nursing home or assisted living you have to keep in mind when you signed that contract you need to read it again the contract of the application when you place reads in there and if she is gone in 30 days she automatically lose her spot.
( That’s even with Unexpected Hospital stay regardless the bill is being paid )
if this occurs remember all the paperwork you had to go through & the waiting list it’s not gonna be that easy now that we have covered this pandemic on our hands.
You’re saying it’s mother is the one who says she wants to come home and live with you they all say that. Is mother comprehending if so you need to explain to her over the phone or your virtual visit on your computer that right now it’s not possible because of the pandemic.
But if she has Onset Alzheimer’s or Dementia then you have to come up with unique stories I guess you’re on vacation are you just need to call mother once a week . Just call the nurses station to check on her makes it easier for her and Family.
When I found out really is to get with the social worker there at that facility. They are one of the best connectors and someone to actually converse with them concerning any matter. I had experience that the one at the nursing home they are your best advocate go to person. I learn to talk to the director call up there don’t just let mother have the upper hand you do have to Tools . Management people to speak with for guidance . Mothers not being miss treated and she’s safe do you sleep well at night not wondering if she would get up and walk out the door like wandering seniors do , falling down the steps walking around at night in the dark around the house forgetting where the bathroom is and having problems elsewhere in the house .Does this residence community has a chaplain .
My suggestion to you/wife to get a piece of paper and fold it in half. One side is positive/negative write everything down for least once a week something comes to your mind and then you two compare your papers & see what you both agree on and then discuss it. Just remember eventually mother is 89 her condition will decline and her body will be real fragile. More care is needed are you ready .Is your house senior proof handrails all in the bathroom hallways areas where need to be assistance. Do you have enough room if she needs a wheelchair. Have you cleared out a room or do you have a extra bedroom for mother. Did you order a comfortable hospital bed. That can raise up & lower front and back & with bed rails. Did you order the incontinence to come in the mail & her medications.
Do you know eventually they don’t want to get in the tub/ shower. And then you have to wash are doing the plastic bag wash, plus her hair dry shampoo . There are a lot more you are to check your own self out on the back of the paper. Yes/No I’m I ready. Truthfully don’t be negative towards each. God Bless You are known living in her World.