Contacted DCF and Council on Aging. My mother answers all their standard questions and then they leave. My mother refused free cleaning help from Council on Aging, probably due to her paranoia. The fire department has been here multiple times to pick her up and she refuses to go to the hospital. Her doctor refuses to come to the house and my mother will never go. We have no help without diagnosis. Yesterday was Friday, today she woke up thinking it was Tuesday. I was lost and did not know my next step. She sees things that are not there which is a sign of Parkinson's Disease. My mother needs help but no one wants to give it to her and that is so unfair to her. She is a good person just lost and I came to help her and now I am a target of her fears. I am her only daughter and left my job and another state to take care of her. My mother wants to die in her house and I’m fine with that request, but I cannot give her a bath I am hurt and cannot even pick her up she weighs 125 pounds. My mother hardly sleeps. I hear her crying or moaning as I am in the bedroom next to her. Please someone help me get her a diagnosis she is suffering and so am I. Help!
Every plan starts with a thought! Well done!
Now that your thought of moving out has arrived.. is there any way to speed up that date? End of March is still off in the distance..☹️
"See I left the state and got married in another state and settled there".
You choose to leave at that time.
"Now I was forced to quit my job that I loved and leave everything i knew to come here to take care of my fiercly indepentent mother".
You choose to come back at that time. It can feel like being 'forced', but really think about it. Who packed up & drove or flew? Who quit the job?
Mother didn't quit your job for you, right? You chose to.
It's a subtle difference in thinking but I think taking ownership can be very powerful. I chose to come back. I chose to help. I chose to do what I could. I've done what I can. I cannot change my Mother's mind for her. She wants to live her life HER way. She may call it *independence* - I may call it stubborn!
It does appear your Mother lacks insight to her condition. This happens with brain problems (common after stroke, with dementia, Parkinson's, TBI & mental illnesses)
The medical term for this kind of lack of insight is called Anosognosia.
We all are updating our brains with new info about ourselves all the time. You may have been updating from 'I have this job, am self-sufficient, I live in this state' to 'I felt forced to leave my job & move here' then updating again to 'I let my job go, came here, but will return home soon'.
Your Mother's brain updating system may be stuck. Stuck on 'I am independent, I can manage, I don't need help'. The falls, not coping etc are not updating her world view.
That's my hunch. No expert!
Just someone with a LO with a faulty update system. Was home alone, unable to bathe, toilet, clean, shop adequately, yet could not register the need for assistance. Doctor diagnosed Anosognosia.
At some stage, a fall will result in a head strike or a broken bone & the Firies duty of care to transport to ER overrides the patient's refusal. Seen it happen.
”I promised my father on his death bed that I would take care of her.” I admire your trying to keep a promise… but did your father have any idea how your mother would be now?
Think about it like this: Not placing her where she can get the increasing level of care she needs would count as not taking care of her! You are only one person and it is impossible for you alone to care for her. You’re doing the best you can, but this is bigger than a lone person can do. Running yourself into the ground isn’t going to help her or you.
She's 'fiercely selfish'.
Kind of a huge difference.
This is a common thing to say. "I want to be in control" in other words.
I image it stems from security. I feel comfortable here. I want things on my terms.
Does she really want to die? Now? Soon? Or just wants the world to go away?
To be able to cope on her own. Like when she was younger?
Doesn't want to get old, sick or frail. Wants to stay independent.
But old age comes whether we want it or not!
Mom can rant about it. Either she will give in, accept cleaning services & home help - or not. Sooner or later...
If can take a round of hospital-rehab-home (under condition of accepting home services). Some take MANY rounds of that before they give in. Some continue their fight & die somewhere on the loop instead.
Your task is to decide how much YOU will do to appease her stubborness. If you keep being her cleaner, cook & delivery person she will never hire those tasks out.
PS I'm sorry if I sound harsh, this must be a really tough situation for you. Just think about your choices. You write that Mom has decided not to accept help, see her Doctor etc. The undercurrent is she is controlling everything. But she does NOT control YOU. You are a free adult, able to make your OWN free decisions. To talk to Area or Aging, APS, her Doctor yourself. To advise Mom to accept help, to arrange that cleaner, then to move out.
If Mom cancels the service - then she cancels & her home stays dirty. The law of Reap & Sow.
I have contacted Council on Aging they won't come back either.
I'm done and going home I have help to move as I cannot pick anything up that is heavy.
She has to wear a life alert so the fire deparment can pick her up. She fell New Years Day and called a neighbor to pick her up and he came. She has a huge bruise on her forhead but she's fine. OK
Then my mental health is important to me and my children (dogs) are suffering now and that makes me very mad and disappointed.
I have to get out of this house or lose my mind and I don't think that is going to happen.
Counting the days for my freedom to work and have a life.
There are three ferrel cats on the patio and I take care of them full time. She only cares about the ferrel cat she has trapped in the garage.
Well it got out when I parked her vehicle in it and she will be out there all night long until this ferrel cat comes back. I doubt it will tonight. You cannot put a ferrel cat in a cage pretty impossible by yourself it will bite you and scratch you.
See I left the state and got married in another state and settled there. Now I was forced to quit my job that I loved and leave everything i knew to come here to take care of my fiercly indepentent mother.
Fine so I gave everything I owned away and entire 1200 square foot house donated to Habitat where I worked as the Restore Operations manager.
This move has cost me every dime I had. I'm broke and stuck here but not for long I know how to fish and I know where to get free food for myself. I'm a survivor. I am frugal and will make it just fine. But being forced to walk out of your life for your mother was probably a big mistake but I promised my father on his death bed that I would take care of her. I've been visiting his urn quite a bit and begging him for help. He is helping me believe it or not. Plan in place for mom I am asking her attorney for help. He has to have been in these situations before he write wills. I'm sure he will help me. 86 year old angel of an attorney the only one I like
Thanks for all your comments you are really helping me thank you thank you thank you trapped
Please listen to Barb about a possible UTI. My mom’s older brother lived alone and he could be stubborn at times.
My cousins desperately tried to get their dad to receive help. He lived in a large two story house in New Jersey.
My uncle could no longer go up and down the stairs and was living in his basement. He had a toilet and sink in the basement but no shower. He ended up with a UTI and sepsis. He nearly died.
When he was taken to the ER, his children said that he could not be released to go back to his home. My cousins worked full time and had no intention of leaving their jobs.
He refused help at home so my cousins told their dad that he had no alternative but to live in a nursing home. He and my mom both had Parkinson’s disease. Mom lived to be 95 and my uncle lived to be 96.
He received good care in his nursing home. There was no way that he could have continued to live in his home alone, especially as his Parkinson’s disease worsened.
If she insists in front of the EMTs that she is fine, you leave the premises while they are there saying "I leave her in your hands. If she is fine on her own, then I'm good to leave."
AND do so.
How is it that you are going to be granted POA by her if she isn't cooperating?
She has a sister the same way in another state.
Calling Hospice for caregiver relief so I can leave for more than two hours without her calling me asking me where I am. She always knows where I am.
Have not been granted POA but sooner or later its coming she not paying all of her bills. Bouncing checks.
For my peace I have to leave.
If you have POA for your mother, then you can make the decision FOR her that she's going to the ER next time there's an incident. If this was my mother, that's what I'd do, and stop allowing HER to rule the roost. She is in obvious need of medical help, with dementia at play (unlikely Parkinson's) yet you're saying Okay when she refuses any and all help. Take the bull by the horns and INSIST she go to the ER or the doctor, and exert your own logic here where hers is non existent. You can also look in your area for doctors who make house calls to elders; I hired such a service for my elderly parents before they went into Assisted Living. Medicare DID pay for those services, so you may want to look into it.
Tell her you'll leave if she doesn't comply with your request to get medical help, and then she'll be all alone. Give her that ultimatum. I love you mom, but now I AM IN CHARGE of your medical care and here's what I have to say. We're doing it my way or I'm leaving. See what she has to say about that. If she wants your help, she may comply. And like JoAnn said, when the EMTs come back, tell them mom has dementia and you as POA are making the decision FOR her that she's DEFINITELY going to the ER, period.
Otherwise, she'll have to have a medical crisis where the EMTs have no other choice but to take her to the ER for a broken bone or obvious bleeding, etc.
Best of luck.
It doesn't make it any the less sad though.
All you can do is leave and go back to your own life. You cannot force her to see a Dr and you cannot force her to take care of herself.
I would 'maybe' ask a neighbor to keep and eye on mom for you and call you if anything seems untoward. Only if you feel there is someone who would want to take on this thankless task.
One of these times, the falls will cause enough damage that she will be taken to the ED and maybe then you'll have some options. Right now, you're powerless.
Hopefully you can get her to wear a fall pendant, and barring that, maybe a daily phone call.
If you were pretty techie-you could have a RING system installed. We just did that and holy cow---I can see all over my house and outside too. It might be hard for an elderly person to naviagte it, but if the 'notices' are sent to your phone--you could see if there was something wrong.
Or maybe you just need to step away and let things happen. It isn't cruel, it's allowing the natural aging process to kind of force your mom to be more compliant. And she may not want to.
Move out, enjoy your life and try not to worry about mom. (easier said, than done, I know).