My Mother keeps pretending to be sicker than she is. Any suggestions?

I'm going to bet mom has been controlling all her life, plays the guilt or illness card whenever it works to her advantage. It's good that you are seeing a counselor, but it might help if you could get mom's MD to prescribe anxiolytics for your mother so she does not feel the need to act out. Mothers can and do drive their children to drink or drive them away. By medicating the source of the problem, all four of you will live better.

Right Nia I know this one incredibly well - my Mum has been doing this for a very long time. Firstly if you are having suicidal thoughts then you may need more immediate help - this may well be antidepressants but that is OK most of us have the need for support in one form or another from time to time. Your counsellor will advise you on this though.

The second thing is your md needs to know what she is doing and you should ask for some help from them The US lasses and lads will tell you what they are - I am in UK so it is different for us.

She can pretend she is as sick as she likes every Saturday but I would frustrate that by asking the home health to come one Saturday and not on a Friday or some other day - you only have to play that card once or twice to have proof that she is playing you up.

Siblings aren't always supportive for whatever reason and I would just ignore them for the most part. I would however ask the downtown one if she could spare you a morning as you HAVE to do something really important - doesn't matter what just something. Then when Mum plays up say its fine Mum xxxxx is here see you later and go. I agree with Pam on your Mums medication.

Finally - you DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER - if you are not of the type that CAN CAREGIVE then DONT - Caregiving and caring are two entirely different things - to be a caregiver you have to care but to care you DO NOT have to be a caregiver. Do not LET your mum play the guilt card on you - you will be effectively laying the guilt on yourself. - easy to say extremely hard to do.

She SHOULD precede you in death - she is your Mum when all is said and done - and that is the way of life and death. If you find the best option for care for her that DOES NOT include you then you will be able to visit her in a totally different mode and maybe the anxieties will go away for you. Once your mother comes to terms with her loss of control she will turn to other ways but don't let that impact on you - you have a right to a life too.

It's going to be a really bumpy road hun but once travelled the sun will shine on you once more and you will feel far better placed to cope

pretending may be plain old confabulation. Not only is memory damaged their ability to process thoughts and conversations is impaired.

Saying they are sick is common confabulation.. Speech will go for real… Blame Alheimer's... add in manipulation as a controlling device and go bonkers

Everyone and particularly medical personnel and caregivers must understand!

Confabulating and Confabulations

In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.

Key factors in confabulations are there is no intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false. Confabulating is distinct from lying because there is no intent to deceive, and the person being unaware that the information is blatantly false.

Carers challenge: is what they say true? Confabulations become a far greater concern in the later stages, because confabulations are much more likely to be acted upon.

It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged.

Confabulations are a major annoyance and can be dangerous- when we the take everything in a discussion at face value. Confabulating is very frequently observed in people with Alzheimer's.

I agree Dave - the difficulty is when a mother has ALWAYS been that way how in heavens name do you tell the difference. The big problem with alzheimer's for me is its utter inconsistency. One day Mum is not at all lucid another day you wouldn't know she was unwell at all. It's almost as though there are three people living in this house not 2 (well only 1 at the moment - Mum is in hospital but you get my drift).

Alzheimer's is without doubt frustrating for anyone who comes into contact with it - for the person because they KNOW the information is in there they just can't connect the dots and for the non Alzheimer's person for they just can't get to understand what the real issues are. For the person with it because their carers aren't meeting their needs and for the carers who know there is something they are missing.

I have said it before and I will say it till I am blue in the face - I HATE ALZHEIMER'S.

However in this case no mention of Alzheimer's has been made so I wonder if an assessment perhaps is required so that everyone knows what they are dealing with

You deserve to live the rest of your life without guilt and manipulation. If there is no money for an assisted care facility, visit your advice-giving sister with your mom and leave mom (and her suitcase and meds) with sis..without saying a word. Tell her you are getting something out of the car and drive away. It is time that the whole family takes responsibility for an elder. Don't expect them to volunteer. They won't. Please don't be a victim of your sisters' selfishness and you mom's manipulation. You deserve better.

Nia, I am too damned stubborn to succumb to feelings of suicide! I get depressed, but I am not a victim! I am just tired of my mother dumping her anxiety and emotional stress on me! I think Jude said it best....Caregiving and caring are two entirely different things - to be a caregiver you have to care but to care you DO NOT have to be a caregiver. My brother and I realize now (amazing how we seem to automatically suppress abuse and neglect) that our mother used us all of our lives. She is the same personality as your Mom and I think the hardest part about all of this is maintaining a level of compassion and understanding while figuring out the lines between what we can do and what we should do because of the type of parents we have.

As children of an emotionally dependent, narcissistic parent(s) we are struggling to become adults. Our parents didn't know how to make the distinction between their roles as our parents and their left-over emotional needs as children who were probably abused and neglected themselves. I know exactly why my mother is so broken emotionally! Some of it is of her own doing. When we were young, she could suppress the feelings of hopelessness more because she had small children to distract her from the memories of emotional loss and abuse. She developed very ineffective coping mechanisms, but luckily didn't subject herself to addictive habits, just extreme codependency. My mother made me her substitute spouse from a young age. I have always felt emotionally responsible for my mother and I was pulling away from her because I was angry with her for burdening me with that. She controlled me and manipulated me until about 4 yrs ago when she had a mild stroke. She has been over-playing this stroke like you wouldn't believe. The stroke was her only hope of pulling me back in.
I haven't had a life for about 4 years now. I want to be in a relationship and deeply value family. I plan to take my life back and in doing so, i will have to make some very hard emotional decisions where my parents are concerned.

A few good things that I have learned through all of this are:
1) you can't want more for someone than they want for themselves.
2) I have a choice in exactly how much I want to give and take from this situation. That doesn't mean that I won't have to make sacrifices to be there for them, but I don't have to sacrifice "ME" to help them.
3) Helping my parents doesn't mean that I have to conform to their dysfunctional way of dealing with things. Helping them means keeping them as independent as they can be, for as long as they can be.

I will not do things for them that they can do for themselves. That is the problem with co-dependence. Codependent people look for others to save them when in reality they don't really need saving. This is very hard and emotionally taxing, but knowing that there are a lot of other people dealing with the same issues helps. The advice that I've gotten from others has been comforting and has helped me grow stronger each day. Learn how to set boundaries with your mother and don't feel bad about having to do that. I have so many people trying to make me feel guilty about drawing boundaries because they don't know how to do it. Learn to draw boundaries Nia!

I know things are complicated , when they concern a difficult parent. I am not speaking from experience, as my mom was not like that. However, no change means no gain. You deserve your life. I read many good suggestions from the other caregivers. We are here to support you. Please keep us posted.

Nia, most of us will encourage you to move out and I'm glad that you are getting counseling. As was mentioned, if you still feel suicidal, you need immediate help but it does sound like you've moved more into chronic depression. Ask your counselor if you should see an MD for possible medication. In fact, a complete checkup is a good idea. Caregivers tend to let those things go.

I loved Jude's wise (as always) answer. Her idea that you change days for the caregiver to take off is terrific. If possible, vary the day so that your mother is kept off guard. That is counter to what I'd normally suggest but your case does sound like one of manipulation.

You mother needs to move into an assisted living facility or have a caregiver move in with her. Your siblings won't help and you've done this too long on your own. There's no need for guilt. She's supposed to predecease you. That's natural.

Line up care or, if need be, turn her over the adult protective services so they can force something through. Then move on with your own life. You can visit as you feel that you are able, but you can't let your mother end your life which could happen without change.

Please read this whole thread. There's a lot of wisdom here.
Carol

laurabutler, Good advice except that I have done this, and they just brought her back. The first incident my sib agreed to keep mom for the weekend. 12 hours later, she brought her back to me. Second incident a different sib said they would keep mom for the day. I took her there at 10:30, I left at 11:00. Sib brought mom back at 1:00 and mad as h*ll at me. They said I didn't tell them I was leaving.
No one wants a turn, even for one day.

Traumadoc, Nia wrote that she lived WITH her mother. There was no indication that she lived OFF her mother. Those who post on this site asking for advice and support need just that--advice and support. I am so sorry that you appear to be in so much emotional pain. If you are a trauma doc, as your site name would suggest, it would seem that you are getting a "double whammy" of needy people.

I am sure, and I hope, that you are very proud of the work you do to save lives. It sounds to me, from the little of what I have read of your postings, and the anger and contempt that comes across, that you need someone to save YOUR life.

I hope that you can find a bit of compassion for the patients in your care--and for yourself. I urge you to do something about your OWN pain.

I would say to check into respite services. They will take your mom a few days and give you a break. I think she maybe lonely, and fears your leaving. This would give you a break, and she would be well cared for by others who can give her attention. It is not good for her or yourself if you feel resentful. Even a saint wears out after awhile caring for another. But don't overlook the fact that she may indeed be sick. We can't truly know how another feels. My brother passed away and was the same way. So no one paid too much attention when he kept complaining about feeling sick. He even said he thought he had a heart attack, and everyone thought he was being over dramatic. He passed a week later. Even his doctor didn't have him come in immediately when he complained of head to toe worsening pain- the day he died. We now feel guilty we didn't listen better to him.:/

ReadyToGo... Your situation can only happen if you STAY in your mom's home. Move out or put your items in storage before dropping mom off. Don't take their calls. Who cares if THEY are mad? Let someone else figure out a solution for mom.

PS- And most 85 year olds need someone living with them, even if you aren't watching them like a hawk. Most of us want to think our elders are more capable than they are. And their pride a lot of times will have them acting more independent than they truly are.

It sounds like you need to make other arrangements for your mom, like assisted living or nursing home so you can move out. It does not sound like she can care for herself.

I can empathize for sure, NIa..The following may be not practical in case mom is truly unable to be alone, but if she is, then perhaps you may want to consider it...
This Friday, tell her that you have commitments of Saturday and must be out of the house. Say you will leave at, say, 8 AM. Before you leave, put breakfast on the table. Also, put lunch into the fridge, sandwich, whatever.

When she pulls the sick act, just smile and say she will just have to wait until tomorrow to be sick because you must keep your appointments...Do not try to explain what the appointments are when asked.

Now, if she is incapable of getting out of bed, then that is another matter.

You know, willingness is a big key to satisfaction in life as I see it. I see you reaching out for advice..that means to me that you are willing and have a desire to live more normally. Thus, it is encouraging to me that you may feel like you don't want to live, but your communication to the group shows that you do, but on a happier footing.

I am sorry I cannot be more helpful...More facts from your end might help. For example, if you do move out, do you have a place to stay? If mom is unable to be left alone, could you possibly hire a person to come in midday on days when now caregiver is at the house to spell you for four hours or so?

Try to think outside the box.

I wish you well....Please keep us informed of your progress and status as time goes along.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

This is such a common ploy for attention, to avoid uncomfortable things, or avoid being alone, and is so hard to deal with. When being the caregiver puts that much stress on you, something has to change. There are many Assisted Living facilities these days that are quite nice, but most of them are private pay because Medicare and insurances will just not pay for them. If she has enough of a nest egg to afford one, that is probably the best answer, as long as you visit regularly. That will let her know that she is not abandoned and will help allay any guilt feelings. But, that can be very expensive. Some assisted living facilities allow people there just for the day, or for a week or month at a time while caregivers take a break. I have no idea what they charge for that, but that is an option that you might look into. If your sisters are not willing to be her caregiver at least once a week, maybe they all could pitch in to help pay for at least one day a week in that type of facility where you know she will be taken care of and yet, give you the time off you need. Perhaps your area has a Council on Aging, or some other senior type organization that might have some other ideas on places that could help. Some of them have senior volunteers that would be willing to sit with her for a day, if she is not needing a lot of physical care.

laurabutler, I don't live with mom. She lives with me. I don't know what to do when they bring her back. The last time, mom walked into the house, I went to the door to ask sib why they brought her back, and they were already pulling out of the driveway! I've begged them to give me a day alone in my home. If I lock the doors and leave my house, it defeats the purpose. Interestingly, these sibs already have their hands out telling me what they should get when mom passes. I feel like the little red hen.

Nia, this type of problem is best tackled with small steps toward bigger goals. Folks who say, "You don't have to be a caregiver" may not appreciate how difficult it is to get out from under that burden, once assumed. (Think of Nancy Reagan and "just say no" to drugs...) I think that re-claiming your weekends should be an intermediate goal. I assume you are not being paid to give up each and every weekend, because mom probably thinks she shouldn't have to pay family. But she will have to start using her money or benefits to engage a weekend caregiver. If she balks at doing that, then suggest that her other children pitch in, and she should have to ask for that help. You have tried and gotten nowhere. Let your sibs have the guts to say no to mom directly. If they do, then mom has no choice but to pay. You could offer to assist with putting the weekend hired help in place, but that's it.

As far we the "weekend-only" illnesses, you may need to practice saying, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well, mom, but Norma is here to take care of you. If you feel you need to go to hospital, call Emergency Services, they'll find me and I'll meet you there."

Nia, bless your heart, I have little to add that has not already been offered except to say that as we age we get more like ourselves so there is no way to change Mom, all you can do is change your reactions

My mom lived with me in my house for the last 26 years. I spent the last 2 1/2 years caring for her while she had a terminal illness with very limited help (an hour or two a week at best) from my sister who lives 5 minutes away.
I joined this group because of the overwhelming stress so I could vent. My patience wore thin a couple of times dealing with my mom being so incapacitated, and having so little support from family, and I was very often depressed.
My mom passed away four months ago. She wasn't a saint, but she was still my very best friend, and I miss her terribly every single day.
Even though I know I did my absolute best, I still wish I could take back that time and relive it. I would spend as much time as possible with her, talk with her more, and be more patient.
Please try to realize your loved ones won't be here forever, and even though now caregiving might sometimes feel like a life sentence, you really won't regret the time you spent caring for them. I know it seems hard to believe it now, but the day will come too soon when you'll wish you could have had more time with them.

Mum to three you're right, I didn't tackle that well when I say you don't have to be a caregiver to care - I meant we can all care without being caregivers.

On the issue of you don't have to be a caregiver per se - I do believe that but you have to be able to live with the alternatives and that sit always easy either.

Some people simply are NOT cut out to be caregivers and caregiving requires a hell of a lot of mental physical and emotional strength that NOBODY will recognise - so don't hope for the impossible.

I personally think it is a d*mned sight harder to say I can't do caregiving than it is to go with the flow and do it because it is expected of you INITIALLY.

However once you are a caregiver and you want to stop being one then it gets really tough. Everyone (I call them the grey they because we all know they are there but no-one knows who they are) will say but you have done it so well or your mum loves the care you give.

Stay strong and say she might be happy but I am miserable and I have a right to a life. That is not narcissistic in any way - you do have a right to a life so don't lose sight of that EVER.

JudeAH53 I agree with you. The problem is that sometimes there really is no good solution. My mom was destitute and lived with me. I couldn't ask nicely or guilt my sister into helping, I tried. My mom did not want to be in an assisted living facility as twice she was in the two near here and both times some pretty terrible things happened. The state (I am the US) did provide her with a "visiting homemaker". Although they determined my mom was eligible for 22 hours of care a week based on need we were only able to get a maximum of 6 hours of help a week. The reason is that they had no other agencies that they used in our area, and she was their only available employee. There were entire months that passed when the woman didn't show up because of her own medical issues. The visiting homemaker was elderly herself.
Therefore, I was "it". I didn't have the option of saying no and could see no way out.
My mom was lucky to have me, but I was also lucky to have had her. It's true that you never fully realize what you had until it's gone. That's all.

I'm sure others have spoken about it but it sounds as if she gets off on the attention she receives. I have seen this happen when people get to be 80+ (and for some they've been that way much longer). When the heath person isn't there for your mother on Saturdays, she becomes "ill" as that gets her the attention she craves. It sounds like she doesn't want to be alone, even for one day, and may not have any interests outside of being with people, usually family.

I had a great-aunt who had to have both knees replaced. The first one was fine and she did the required therapy but with the second she refused to make much effort; we found she liked the attention she received while she was recuperating and having others respond to her every command while "incapacitated". So she gave up doing physical therapy on the second knee knowing she'd get more attention. Unfortunately, she ended up in a nursing home where she passed away after a couple of years. She was in her 80s. My aunt was very overweight and her husband, also in his 80s, couldn't pick her up and care for all of her needs after a certain point . Her sister, my grandmother, a strong, proud, responsible woman, who for most of her life did not want to inconvenience anyone, passed at 95. For most of her life, she used to "do" for others. For the last 10-15 years of her life, she became increasingly needy (much unlike her younger self). It's like a switch flips in their brain at some point and some elders revert to more toddler-like behavior. Trying to reason with them doesn't usually work as they may nod in agreement and then keep doing what is meeting their emotional needs. The difficulty comes in that they are not 3 and you would feel bad treating the person who gave birth to you the same way you would handle a 3-year-old child. It's like a role reversal where you are now the parent and they are the child. It's hard to handle. It was easier for me knowing that the changes in their elderly brain was responsible for their behavior and to not take the criticisms, etc. personally. However, at times, this is easier said than done.

Most people don't want their parents to die. As others have pointed out: she is your mother, she is 85, and in nature's scheme of things, it would be normal for her to pass before you do. If that happens, I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about.

Try to take some solace in knowing you are not alone and the world won't end if you don't meet your mom's every need. I worked for a micro-managing, narcissistic, perfectionist for several years. When I figured out the personality type, I began to have less stress as I did the best job I could manage to do; and, at the end of the day, if I was happy with my efforts, then I really didn't care what the manager thought because no one's efforts really pleased him. So I suggest you do what you would want done if you were in your mom's shoes and be satisfied with those efforts. It sounds as if they are certainly more than any of your remaining siblings are doing.

I know some areas have senior daycare services or companion services. If possibly, perhaps you could get someone to come in on the Saturdays...or switch days around (if feasible) with the healthcare giver.

Sue I know exactly what you mean hun I am the sole caregiver for my Mum and I won't allow the agencies in every one of them I have been offered thus far has a red mark against them by the auditors and I won't have carers in if I have to monitor everything they do - I might as well do it myself as check on them every two minutes.

That said my daughter does come and take us out - but she rarely offers to stay so I can go out alone.

I would be a politician if I thought anyone could address the issue of whose rights come first theirs or ours....it does always seem to be theirs and sometimes at great costs to our rights.

nia: Ah, the child-like behavior that radiates out of elders! That darn teenage giggle! Or perhaps as pamstegma indicated, she's been controlling all her life! But please don't ask to be taken out ( of life). Certainly as soon as you say it, you'll regret it. Don't let her yank your chain. Tune out with ear plugs. Or perhaps she's mentally ill?

Whether or not you experience guilt when your Mom passes will be determined with how well you take care of yourself now. I speak from experience. Get the help YOU need to set your boundaries, etc and you will be better able to deal with Mom's issues and take care of her. I don't agree with visiting sister and leaving Mom there. Boy, I don't think I would have ever gotten over that guilt. But the reality is you care about Mom and your siblings won't help. Get with the Area Agency on Aging and get advice about the house, etc. I didn't have to deal with that because I have no siblings. Things don't look good now but remember....feelings are not facts and they are not forever. Get yourself the help you need and hang in there. Your just a few steps away from making solid decisions that will allow you to put your head on your pillow now AND later!

I forgot to mention. I was suicidal but got the help I needed to make life worth living. Don't give up.

Hello, feel sorry to read your story. Specially when I see that whilst you have sisters enough, not a single one is apparently prepared to help a hand. First I am of opinion that you are totally exhausted and in deep depression. This can not continue. Your mental state will at the end turn into physical problems. What the conduct of your mother is concerned, she is very manipulative and selfish. I wonder if you can get some help from outside, which of course she will have to pay, but then at least, you are out of her power for a couple of hours. And may be these few hours will give you a bit a strength and courage. Of course I do not know how everything is regulated where you life, but with us, we can hire in someone to take care of her, for 1 or more periods of 4 hours each week. Once you know this person a bit, and info her about your mother's dirty trics, you can leave them together and go out to do some shopping for yourself and have a nice cup of coffee. Those people know better how to handle your mum, and also, they are not family. So they will not so easily bow for her, jump for her and give in with any demand she has. I sincerely hope you can arrange such help, and that further counseling, and sufficient time for yourself will change your life. You can not sacrifice your whole life for her. It is good to be grateful to your mom, but there are limits. And once your life is at stake, you will have to take difficult measures, but they are necessary to withhold you from illness, or worse things. A very very big hug from Belgium / Europe.

You just described exactly what I faced with an elderly friend of mine, who has very recently been taken to a nursing home. He did the exact same thing you're describing in an attempt to seek a certain kind of attention. What I did when this secret was revealed to me was that I just didn't give him the type of attention he craved. Sometimes people do this for attention, but you don't have to give them that attention. All I did was stay neutral and not give in. He eventually stopped this to some point, but not completely. What helped me is revealing the honesty of not knowing what to do for him, and even being honest and saying that there's nothing I personally can do. I tried to direct him to call his home health care or his doctor since there was really nothing I could do. When he started dumping other problems on me regarding other people, I just told him it's between him and them, not me. I just didn't want to be involved in disputes, which is why I explained this to him. He kept trying to say that he couldn't get no help, but I now understand why. This is when he played the illness card to buy sympathy from others. This would be easy for outsiders to fall for until they got to know him. All I can advise you to do is that when your mom does this like my friend did, just don't give her that kind of attention but she seeking when she does this. This is all I really did when I discovered what was going on, and it worked for me. It seems like he was more than just upset when his aid didn't come on weekends, but it seemed awful strange that he fell very sick on them days. You can only fall for this trick so long before you start realizing what's really going on. When you do, all you can do is find some clever way to get out of there and to step back. I just don't give her the attention she wants when she plays this card. If they don't get the attention they're seeking, they'll eventually look elsewhere. This can often lead to squad rides to the ER. When it does, you can alert the head of the ER to what's going on. You can also do this why contacting your local hospital through their website and having your email forwarded to the head nurse or doctor at that hospital's ER. When all secrets were revealed to our hospital's head nurse or doctor, they were actually wiser in their dealings with the case. In fact I know something was done because when my friend came home from the hospital, they started putting him in a wheelchair as opposed to on a stretcher. Yes, the way a patient is cared for often improves when people closest to them can speak up and share any details they know, with your description of what you deal with as being one of them. I know that what you're going through is very hard, I've been through a lot myself, but hang in there! Times will get better, you will see brighter days when some kind of change can be made, because that change will be your break

Go with your Mom to visit the Dr....ask the Dr about your Mom's health. Even the smallest details should be revealed. That way the both of you will hear the same answers. Maybe your Mom is afraid of being alone, or there could be many other reasons for her actions. When I got sick I gave my Dr permission to tell my immediate family just exactly what illnesses I had and how serious they were. It seems to have landed on deaf ears as I continue to be my own caregiver. In my opinion you should learn the entire truth before making this decision. I treasure the last few years I spent with my Mom, and many people said the same thing about her. They also have caregiver support groups that would probably be helpful...