My Mother keeps pretending to be sicker than she is. Any suggestions?

Mbmarc--wow--you nailed my situation to a tee. I have to reread it several times--very, very helpful! I have also felt like my mother's spouse and responsible for her happiness. At the age of 62, I am working hard to get past this. I will follow this dialog. P.S. Hi, Jude!

I have lot of suggestions :-
a) She is not pretending - Lot of old people feel things which no one can medically second ... this happens to old people accept it ... what you can do is :-
1) give her something to eat or drink in 2 -3 hrs
2) give her multi vitamins or food supplements
3) music helps a lot play music she enjoys
4) let her exercise do not let her be couch potato take them out
sorry to say being care giver is a choice or forced on you it doesnot matter .. believe me you shall repent afterwards, if you are not there for her when something happens... YOU seem a person with lovely heart look at yourself and don't see what your siblings are not doing .. It is hard but love you have will pull you through ... be patient .. God be with you Lot of prayers coming your way

Amazing I can't agree re choice or forced caer-giving. I don't want to bring religion into the dispute simply because I don't believe in that way. I certainly will not *repent* if I was not there when something happened.

That doesn't make me a bad care-giver though - it makes me a realistic one in terms of my own well being (however this is only MY opinion of me - others may have a different view). To be there all the time in case something happens, is precisely what is used to try and stop me from going anywhere at all and it is not viable for my physical or mental well being.

Care-giving as a choice may not be something you wanted to do but have chosen (for whatever reason) to do. Being forced to care-give - from sibling pressure, financial pressure or any other pressure can give people a different set of feelings towards the one they care for.

I do love Mum for being my Mum for raising me for marrying my Dad; I don't like my Mum for knowing I was being abused and doing nothing to safeguard me, for wishing I was dead instead of the son she lost, for refusing to tell me who my natural parents were and for burning all my papers and a zillion other things.

I think people who care-give from choice do so in the full knowledge of who the person they care for is and was but not who they will become and when the time comes, if it comes, that they feel they can no longer care-give then that is the time to say OK I have done all I can it is time for someone else to take over - I have reached the limit of my capability. AND IT'S ALL RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY.

The art is in the serenity prayer - Grace to accept the things you can't change; strength to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. So for all caregiver when you no longer have the grace to give care, have the wisdom to recognise this and the strength to do something to change it or your loved one and you will both suffer as a result.

First, change your therapist to one who will help you deal with your anger. Second, move out. Third, she is 85 yrs. old and will not live forever. If you feel guilty, then that is your issue. Do not assume you KNOW she is faking illness. Again, change your therapist because you have issues you need to deal with.

Nia, thank you for posting your question. I think it is something that many of us feel, and then we feel guilty for feeling it and even more so for saying it. I help my 63 year old disabled mother who does the same thing. I won't get into specifics, because just thinking about it makes me angry. Just know that you are not alone. You know your mother. If you think she is faking (or exaggerating), she probably is. I think they do that to ensure your commitment to continue coming and taking care of them. Its fear that if she seems better you'll think she doesn't need you and you'll stop coming as often. At least, that's what it seems like with my minion. (Yes, I call my mom a minion... a cute creature who causes destruction without even trying)

+Traumadoc, that a was utterly HARSH. There's some sense in it, EXCEPT therapeutic communication does not appear to be Traumadoc's best skill; it wasn't humanely presented for better understanding.

+Nia, You've a tough situation. Sounds like you [as so many others] were raised to believe it's necessary to live with your elder in order to caregive, and, that you believe it when other's cause you to feel guilty? Many do--it's how we're raised!
We need compassion.
And, sometimes need goaded into being responsible and accountable. But it's hard to recognize that in all it's diversity, once we've been raised to accept it. It's almost like it's in our genes.
It seriously sounds like living together is Not healthy for you, and in the long run, it won't be in hers either. She knows how to manipulate you SO well, both of you have a hard time recognizing it.
IF she were in a facility being taken care of by strangers, those are least likely allow her to guilt-trip them into doing what she wants. And, she might still try to guilt you into doing her bidding. It happens most to those she's TRAINED to be her subjects....except some moved away, and you stayed.
Imho, you are right to get counseling, right to seek support from others who have been through similar things, and absolutely right to seek a peaceful rest of your life. And, only you can determine what your limits will be, on her use of you.

My Mom would claim to be half-deaf, yet hear, with amazing clarity, things spoken at average to quiet sound levels, from 2 rooms away. So, we had to be careful to keep conversations very circumspect....which we should all do anyway.
If I needed to rest because of feeling unwell, she'd escalate into amazing drama to show she was far sicker than I....it didn't matter with what. So, I avoided telling her any details of my health, because it helped prevent her hyperbolizing and owning it. I recognized her fears of losing her caregiver, but that didn't seem to mollify her much; it simply helped remove a little of her drama from the mix.
She feared blindness for many years, and is now losing it for real...we could only make sure she had her proper meds [if and when she'd take them]; she's played that up to other relatives on her pity-card; she's used that to manipulate others for so long, and it's not over yet. Not our problem anymore, at our house, as she no longer lives with us.
She feared I was listening in on her phone conversations, so she she got her own phone. She STILL feared we were somehow listening in...there was no fix for that, it was her own paranoia.
She also demanded a lock on her bedroom door, because she felt we, among others, were thieving things from her room....no fix for her paranoia. We stalled as long as we could. Then one brother suckered for it and finally put one on for her....big mistake; she'd already caused one stove fire, one melted cooking pot, and was fixated on using candles in her room...a locked bedroom door with her and her piles of hoarding, was NOT safe in any sense of the word.
But the others thought it was. Good thing she no longer lives with us!
She started, decades ago, going through episodes of being so depressed, repeatedly saying she was going to die soon. Now? She's in her late 80's and still chugging along, while wearing all our frazzles to frazzles---we'll all be lucky to die a bit after she does, if not before!
Yet she still guilt-trips all of us she can reach, as long as we allow her to keep doing it. Those of us trained longer into that by her, don't realize what she is doing until it's too late, and damage has been done. Imho, that's where one sister is at, right now, who took over her caretaking.
So...
Sounds like you already understand that your siblings are Unlikely to be able to help the situation; that means it's up to you to resolve.
Imho, you are stronger than you think. You have much on your side, to support your moving towards better...everything.
---DO keep up with counseling; learn better coping skills, learn how to identify those guilt-trains she keeps rolling at you, before they hit you. Learn evasive maneuvers!
---DO set realistic limits on your elder's use of you, your energy, or your resources. We teach realistic limits to toddlers; it's appropriate to set limits on others, too, as long as there are any rational brain cells in their bodies to understand.
---DO "call her" on her behaviors....IF.. she has enough mental abilities to understand: 1st identify her bad behaviors to her; 2nd, tell her how those cause you to feel; and 3rd, tell her that her described behaviors are Unacceptable in your home.....AND
---DO tell her you are willing to discuss her realistic concerns, but that you refuse to allow her to manipulate your life as she has.
---DO create your own place to live without your elder. Often, we can be better caregivers from a safe distance, instead of under the same roof. Having our own living space, is our sanctuary. We can retreat there and recuperate!
Please keep us posted how you are doing!
You are a valuable asset to yourself, to others, and even though your elder and siblings don't realize it, you are a valued human being to your family, too.
You also might have things to teach others here, on how you finally handle this.

My mom will sometimes do this and really it's about fear of dying. We talk about her symptoms, and talk with the nurse practitioner if there is anything new. Usually there isn't, it's more about her feeling depressed. So I try to reassure her that she is ok, and try to get her to do things she enjoys. That seems to snap her out of it, she doesn't want to be too sick to miss out on a trip to a restaurant or movies.

Leila that's the one - Mum bless her is definitely going to die unless I offer the local garden centre for coffee or the restaurant for a meal or the ride out into the forest or the beach for a push along the promenade then there is a miraculous recovery until we get into the car to come home then back to depression. We have talked about a care facility but she doesn't want to go into one and I really don't mind if she wanted to go into one that would be OK - even though I promised Dad I wouldn't PUT her into one - oh what terrible grammar that was! - What she really wants is for us both to go into a warden monitored home - and that I flatly refuse to do - aint going to happen because I know the end result. It will be to all her 'new' friends - i.e. people she has met once or twice, Oh Jude will get that for you - won't you oh of course will come and put the light bulb in and cook you this and would you all like to come for dinner Jude will cook - gluten free? oh Jude can give you some recipes - well I don't want to be her slave - her carer is one thing, everyone else's carer? I don't think so

What are the chances that every time she is "unwell" on a Saturday you pretend to take it VERY seriously, and hire an agency nurse to come stay (with her $). Don't take no for an answer! After all, she told you she is VERY SICK, and since she is VERY SICK she needs more skilled care than you can possibley give....in fact, maybe moving to nursing nursing would be better, since she is SO SICK. Can't be too careful!
My guess is that a sudden, miraculous recovery will ensue once your little actress realizes the price of crying wolf.