My Mother keeps pretending to be sicker than she is. Any suggestions?

What are the chances that every time she is "unwell" on a Saturday you pretend to take it VERY seriously, and hire an agency nurse to come stay (with her $). Don't take no for an answer! After all, she told you she is VERY SICK, and since she is VERY SICK she needs more skilled care than you can possibley give....in fact, maybe moving to nursing nursing would be better, since she is SO SICK. Can't be too careful!
My guess is that a sudden, miraculous recovery will ensue once your little actress realizes the price of crying wolf.

Leila that's the one - Mum bless her is definitely going to die unless I offer the local garden centre for coffee or the restaurant for a meal or the ride out into the forest or the beach for a push along the promenade then there is a miraculous recovery until we get into the car to come home then back to depression. We have talked about a care facility but she doesn't want to go into one and I really don't mind if she wanted to go into one that would be OK - even though I promised Dad I wouldn't PUT her into one - oh what terrible grammar that was! - What she really wants is for us both to go into a warden monitored home - and that I flatly refuse to do - aint going to happen because I know the end result. It will be to all her 'new' friends - i.e. people she has met once or twice, Oh Jude will get that for you - won't you oh of course will come and put the light bulb in and cook you this and would you all like to come for dinner Jude will cook - gluten free? oh Jude can give you some recipes - well I don't want to be her slave - her carer is one thing, everyone else's carer? I don't think so

My mom will sometimes do this and really it's about fear of dying. We talk about her symptoms, and talk with the nurse practitioner if there is anything new. Usually there isn't, it's more about her feeling depressed. So I try to reassure her that she is ok, and try to get her to do things she enjoys. That seems to snap her out of it, she doesn't want to be too sick to miss out on a trip to a restaurant or movies.

+Traumadoc, that a was utterly HARSH. There's some sense in it, EXCEPT therapeutic communication does not appear to be Traumadoc's best skill; it wasn't humanely presented for better understanding.

+Nia, You've a tough situation. Sounds like you [as so many others] were raised to believe it's necessary to live with your elder in order to caregive, and, that you believe it when other's cause you to feel guilty? Many do--it's how we're raised!
We need compassion.
And, sometimes need goaded into being responsible and accountable. But it's hard to recognize that in all it's diversity, once we've been raised to accept it. It's almost like it's in our genes.
It seriously sounds like living together is Not healthy for you, and in the long run, it won't be in hers either. She knows how to manipulate you SO well, both of you have a hard time recognizing it.
IF she were in a facility being taken care of by strangers, those are least likely allow her to guilt-trip them into doing what she wants. And, she might still try to guilt you into doing her bidding. It happens most to those she's TRAINED to be her subjects....except some moved away, and you stayed.
Imho, you are right to get counseling, right to seek support from others who have been through similar things, and absolutely right to seek a peaceful rest of your life. And, only you can determine what your limits will be, on her use of you.

My Mom would claim to be half-deaf, yet hear, with amazing clarity, things spoken at average to quiet sound levels, from 2 rooms away. So, we had to be careful to keep conversations very circumspect....which we should all do anyway.
If I needed to rest because of feeling unwell, she'd escalate into amazing drama to show she was far sicker than I....it didn't matter with what. So, I avoided telling her any details of my health, because it helped prevent her hyperbolizing and owning it. I recognized her fears of losing her caregiver, but that didn't seem to mollify her much; it simply helped remove a little of her drama from the mix.
She feared blindness for many years, and is now losing it for real...we could only make sure she had her proper meds [if and when she'd take them]; she's played that up to other relatives on her pity-card; she's used that to manipulate others for so long, and it's not over yet. Not our problem anymore, at our house, as she no longer lives with us.
She feared I was listening in on her phone conversations, so she she got her own phone. She STILL feared we were somehow listening in...there was no fix for that, it was her own paranoia.
She also demanded a lock on her bedroom door, because she felt we, among others, were thieving things from her room....no fix for her paranoia. We stalled as long as we could. Then one brother suckered for it and finally put one on for her....big mistake; she'd already caused one stove fire, one melted cooking pot, and was fixated on using candles in her room...a locked bedroom door with her and her piles of hoarding, was NOT safe in any sense of the word.
But the others thought it was. Good thing she no longer lives with us!
She started, decades ago, going through episodes of being so depressed, repeatedly saying she was going to die soon. Now? She's in her late 80's and still chugging along, while wearing all our frazzles to frazzles---we'll all be lucky to die a bit after she does, if not before!
Yet she still guilt-trips all of us she can reach, as long as we allow her to keep doing it. Those of us trained longer into that by her, don't realize what she is doing until it's too late, and damage has been done. Imho, that's where one sister is at, right now, who took over her caretaking.
So...
Sounds like you already understand that your siblings are Unlikely to be able to help the situation; that means it's up to you to resolve.
Imho, you are stronger than you think. You have much on your side, to support your moving towards better...everything.
---DO keep up with counseling; learn better coping skills, learn how to identify those guilt-trains she keeps rolling at you, before they hit you. Learn evasive maneuvers!
---DO set realistic limits on your elder's use of you, your energy, or your resources. We teach realistic limits to toddlers; it's appropriate to set limits on others, too, as long as there are any rational brain cells in their bodies to understand.
---DO "call her" on her behaviors....IF.. she has enough mental abilities to understand: 1st identify her bad behaviors to her; 2nd, tell her how those cause you to feel; and 3rd, tell her that her described behaviors are Unacceptable in your home.....AND
---DO tell her you are willing to discuss her realistic concerns, but that you refuse to allow her to manipulate your life as she has.
---DO create your own place to live without your elder. Often, we can be better caregivers from a safe distance, instead of under the same roof. Having our own living space, is our sanctuary. We can retreat there and recuperate!
Please keep us posted how you are doing!
You are a valuable asset to yourself, to others, and even though your elder and siblings don't realize it, you are a valued human being to your family, too.
You also might have things to teach others here, on how you finally handle this.

Nia, thank you for posting your question. I think it is something that many of us feel, and then we feel guilty for feeling it and even more so for saying it. I help my 63 year old disabled mother who does the same thing. I won't get into specifics, because just thinking about it makes me angry. Just know that you are not alone. You know your mother. If you think she is faking (or exaggerating), she probably is. I think they do that to ensure your commitment to continue coming and taking care of them. Its fear that if she seems better you'll think she doesn't need you and you'll stop coming as often. At least, that's what it seems like with my minion. (Yes, I call my mom a minion... a cute creature who causes destruction without even trying)

First, change your therapist to one who will help you deal with your anger. Second, move out. Third, she is 85 yrs. old and will not live forever. If you feel guilty, then that is your issue. Do not assume you KNOW she is faking illness. Again, change your therapist because you have issues you need to deal with.

Amazing I can't agree re choice or forced caer-giving. I don't want to bring religion into the dispute simply because I don't believe in that way. I certainly will not *repent* if I was not there when something happened.

That doesn't make me a bad care-giver though - it makes me a realistic one in terms of my own well being (however this is only MY opinion of me - others may have a different view). To be there all the time in case something happens, is precisely what is used to try and stop me from going anywhere at all and it is not viable for my physical or mental well being.

Care-giving as a choice may not be something you wanted to do but have chosen (for whatever reason) to do. Being forced to care-give - from sibling pressure, financial pressure or any other pressure can give people a different set of feelings towards the one they care for.

I do love Mum for being my Mum for raising me for marrying my Dad; I don't like my Mum for knowing I was being abused and doing nothing to safeguard me, for wishing I was dead instead of the son she lost, for refusing to tell me who my natural parents were and for burning all my papers and a zillion other things.

I think people who care-give from choice do so in the full knowledge of who the person they care for is and was but not who they will become and when the time comes, if it comes, that they feel they can no longer care-give then that is the time to say OK I have done all I can it is time for someone else to take over - I have reached the limit of my capability. AND IT'S ALL RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY.

The art is in the serenity prayer - Grace to accept the things you can't change; strength to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. So for all caregiver when you no longer have the grace to give care, have the wisdom to recognise this and the strength to do something to change it or your loved one and you will both suffer as a result.

I have lot of suggestions :-
a) She is not pretending - Lot of old people feel things which no one can medically second ... this happens to old people accept it ... what you can do is :-
1) give her something to eat or drink in 2 -3 hrs
2) give her multi vitamins or food supplements
3) music helps a lot play music she enjoys
4) let her exercise do not let her be couch potato take them out
sorry to say being care giver is a choice or forced on you it doesnot matter .. believe me you shall repent afterwards, if you are not there for her when something happens... YOU seem a person with lovely heart look at yourself and don't see what your siblings are not doing .. It is hard but love you have will pull you through ... be patient .. God be with you Lot of prayers coming your way

Mbmarc--wow--you nailed my situation to a tee. I have to reread it several times--very, very helpful! I have also felt like my mother's spouse and responsible for her happiness. At the age of 62, I am working hard to get past this. I will follow this dialog. P.S. Hi, Jude!

Go with your Mom to visit the Dr....ask the Dr about your Mom's health. Even the smallest details should be revealed. That way the both of you will hear the same answers. Maybe your Mom is afraid of being alone, or there could be many other reasons for her actions. When I got sick I gave my Dr permission to tell my immediate family just exactly what illnesses I had and how serious they were. It seems to have landed on deaf ears as I continue to be my own caregiver. In my opinion you should learn the entire truth before making this decision. I treasure the last few years I spent with my Mom, and many people said the same thing about her. They also have caregiver support groups that would probably be helpful...

You just described exactly what I faced with an elderly friend of mine, who has very recently been taken to a nursing home. He did the exact same thing you're describing in an attempt to seek a certain kind of attention. What I did when this secret was revealed to me was that I just didn't give him the type of attention he craved. Sometimes people do this for attention, but you don't have to give them that attention. All I did was stay neutral and not give in. He eventually stopped this to some point, but not completely. What helped me is revealing the honesty of not knowing what to do for him, and even being honest and saying that there's nothing I personally can do. I tried to direct him to call his home health care or his doctor since there was really nothing I could do. When he started dumping other problems on me regarding other people, I just told him it's between him and them, not me. I just didn't want to be involved in disputes, which is why I explained this to him. He kept trying to say that he couldn't get no help, but I now understand why. This is when he played the illness card to buy sympathy from others. This would be easy for outsiders to fall for until they got to know him. All I can advise you to do is that when your mom does this like my friend did, just don't give her that kind of attention but she seeking when she does this. This is all I really did when I discovered what was going on, and it worked for me. It seems like he was more than just upset when his aid didn't come on weekends, but it seemed awful strange that he fell very sick on them days. You can only fall for this trick so long before you start realizing what's really going on. When you do, all you can do is find some clever way to get out of there and to step back. I just don't give her the attention she wants when she plays this card. If they don't get the attention they're seeking, they'll eventually look elsewhere. This can often lead to squad rides to the ER. When it does, you can alert the head of the ER to what's going on. You can also do this why contacting your local hospital through their website and having your email forwarded to the head nurse or doctor at that hospital's ER. When all secrets were revealed to our hospital's head nurse or doctor, they were actually wiser in their dealings with the case. In fact I know something was done because when my friend came home from the hospital, they started putting him in a wheelchair as opposed to on a stretcher. Yes, the way a patient is cared for often improves when people closest to them can speak up and share any details they know, with your description of what you deal with as being one of them. I know that what you're going through is very hard, I've been through a lot myself, but hang in there! Times will get better, you will see brighter days when some kind of change can be made, because that change will be your break

Hello, feel sorry to read your story. Specially when I see that whilst you have sisters enough, not a single one is apparently prepared to help a hand. First I am of opinion that you are totally exhausted and in deep depression. This can not continue. Your mental state will at the end turn into physical problems. What the conduct of your mother is concerned, she is very manipulative and selfish. I wonder if you can get some help from outside, which of course she will have to pay, but then at least, you are out of her power for a couple of hours. And may be these few hours will give you a bit a strength and courage. Of course I do not know how everything is regulated where you life, but with us, we can hire in someone to take care of her, for 1 or more periods of 4 hours each week. Once you know this person a bit, and info her about your mother's dirty trics, you can leave them together and go out to do some shopping for yourself and have a nice cup of coffee. Those people know better how to handle your mum, and also, they are not family. So they will not so easily bow for her, jump for her and give in with any demand she has. I sincerely hope you can arrange such help, and that further counseling, and sufficient time for yourself will change your life. You can not sacrifice your whole life for her. It is good to be grateful to your mom, but there are limits. And once your life is at stake, you will have to take difficult measures, but they are necessary to withhold you from illness, or worse things. A very very big hug from Belgium / Europe.

I forgot to mention. I was suicidal but got the help I needed to make life worth living. Don't give up.

Whether or not you experience guilt when your Mom passes will be determined with how well you take care of yourself now. I speak from experience. Get the help YOU need to set your boundaries, etc and you will be better able to deal with Mom's issues and take care of her. I don't agree with visiting sister and leaving Mom there. Boy, I don't think I would have ever gotten over that guilt. But the reality is you care about Mom and your siblings won't help. Get with the Area Agency on Aging and get advice about the house, etc. I didn't have to deal with that because I have no siblings. Things don't look good now but remember....feelings are not facts and they are not forever. Get yourself the help you need and hang in there. Your just a few steps away from making solid decisions that will allow you to put your head on your pillow now AND later!

nia: Ah, the child-like behavior that radiates out of elders! That darn teenage giggle! Or perhaps as pamstegma indicated, she's been controlling all her life! But please don't ask to be taken out ( of life). Certainly as soon as you say it, you'll regret it. Don't let her yank your chain. Tune out with ear plugs. Or perhaps she's mentally ill?

Sue I know exactly what you mean hun I am the sole caregiver for my Mum and I won't allow the agencies in every one of them I have been offered thus far has a red mark against them by the auditors and I won't have carers in if I have to monitor everything they do - I might as well do it myself as check on them every two minutes.

That said my daughter does come and take us out - but she rarely offers to stay so I can go out alone.

I would be a politician if I thought anyone could address the issue of whose rights come first theirs or ours....it does always seem to be theirs and sometimes at great costs to our rights.

I'm sure others have spoken about it but it sounds as if she gets off on the attention she receives. I have seen this happen when people get to be 80+ (and for some they've been that way much longer). When the heath person isn't there for your mother on Saturdays, she becomes "ill" as that gets her the attention she craves. It sounds like she doesn't want to be alone, even for one day, and may not have any interests outside of being with people, usually family.

I had a great-aunt who had to have both knees replaced. The first one was fine and she did the required therapy but with the second she refused to make much effort; we found she liked the attention she received while she was recuperating and having others respond to her every command while "incapacitated". So she gave up doing physical therapy on the second knee knowing she'd get more attention. Unfortunately, she ended up in a nursing home where she passed away after a couple of years. She was in her 80s. My aunt was very overweight and her husband, also in his 80s, couldn't pick her up and care for all of her needs after a certain point . Her sister, my grandmother, a strong, proud, responsible woman, who for most of her life did not want to inconvenience anyone, passed at 95. For most of her life, she used to "do" for others. For the last 10-15 years of her life, she became increasingly needy (much unlike her younger self). It's like a switch flips in their brain at some point and some elders revert to more toddler-like behavior. Trying to reason with them doesn't usually work as they may nod in agreement and then keep doing what is meeting their emotional needs. The difficulty comes in that they are not 3 and you would feel bad treating the person who gave birth to you the same way you would handle a 3-year-old child. It's like a role reversal where you are now the parent and they are the child. It's hard to handle. It was easier for me knowing that the changes in their elderly brain was responsible for their behavior and to not take the criticisms, etc. personally. However, at times, this is easier said than done.

Most people don't want their parents to die. As others have pointed out: she is your mother, she is 85, and in nature's scheme of things, it would be normal for her to pass before you do. If that happens, I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about.

Try to take some solace in knowing you are not alone and the world won't end if you don't meet your mom's every need. I worked for a micro-managing, narcissistic, perfectionist for several years. When I figured out the personality type, I began to have less stress as I did the best job I could manage to do; and, at the end of the day, if I was happy with my efforts, then I really didn't care what the manager thought because no one's efforts really pleased him. So I suggest you do what you would want done if you were in your mom's shoes and be satisfied with those efforts. It sounds as if they are certainly more than any of your remaining siblings are doing.

I know some areas have senior daycare services or companion services. If possibly, perhaps you could get someone to come in on the Saturdays...or switch days around (if feasible) with the healthcare giver.

JudeAH53 I agree with you. The problem is that sometimes there really is no good solution. My mom was destitute and lived with me. I couldn't ask nicely or guilt my sister into helping, I tried. My mom did not want to be in an assisted living facility as twice she was in the two near here and both times some pretty terrible things happened. The state (I am the US) did provide her with a "visiting homemaker". Although they determined my mom was eligible for 22 hours of care a week based on need we were only able to get a maximum of 6 hours of help a week. The reason is that they had no other agencies that they used in our area, and she was their only available employee. There were entire months that passed when the woman didn't show up because of her own medical issues. The visiting homemaker was elderly herself.
Therefore, I was "it". I didn't have the option of saying no and could see no way out.
My mom was lucky to have me, but I was also lucky to have had her. It's true that you never fully realize what you had until it's gone. That's all.

Mum to three you're right, I didn't tackle that well when I say you don't have to be a caregiver to care - I meant we can all care without being caregivers.

On the issue of you don't have to be a caregiver per se - I do believe that but you have to be able to live with the alternatives and that sit always easy either.

Some people simply are NOT cut out to be caregivers and caregiving requires a hell of a lot of mental physical and emotional strength that NOBODY will recognise - so don't hope for the impossible.

I personally think it is a d*mned sight harder to say I can't do caregiving than it is to go with the flow and do it because it is expected of you INITIALLY.

However once you are a caregiver and you want to stop being one then it gets really tough. Everyone (I call them the grey they because we all know they are there but no-one knows who they are) will say but you have done it so well or your mum loves the care you give.

Stay strong and say she might be happy but I am miserable and I have a right to a life. That is not narcissistic in any way - you do have a right to a life so don't lose sight of that EVER.

My mom lived with me in my house for the last 26 years. I spent the last 2 1/2 years caring for her while she had a terminal illness with very limited help (an hour or two a week at best) from my sister who lives 5 minutes away.
I joined this group because of the overwhelming stress so I could vent. My patience wore thin a couple of times dealing with my mom being so incapacitated, and having so little support from family, and I was very often depressed.
My mom passed away four months ago. She wasn't a saint, but she was still my very best friend, and I miss her terribly every single day.
Even though I know I did my absolute best, I still wish I could take back that time and relive it. I would spend as much time as possible with her, talk with her more, and be more patient.
Please try to realize your loved ones won't be here forever, and even though now caregiving might sometimes feel like a life sentence, you really won't regret the time you spent caring for them. I know it seems hard to believe it now, but the day will come too soon when you'll wish you could have had more time with them.

Nia, bless your heart, I have little to add that has not already been offered except to say that as we age we get more like ourselves so there is no way to change Mom, all you can do is change your reactions

Nia, this type of problem is best tackled with small steps toward bigger goals. Folks who say, "You don't have to be a caregiver" may not appreciate how difficult it is to get out from under that burden, once assumed. (Think of Nancy Reagan and "just say no" to drugs...) I think that re-claiming your weekends should be an intermediate goal. I assume you are not being paid to give up each and every weekend, because mom probably thinks she shouldn't have to pay family. But she will have to start using her money or benefits to engage a weekend caregiver. If she balks at doing that, then suggest that her other children pitch in, and she should have to ask for that help. You have tried and gotten nowhere. Let your sibs have the guts to say no to mom directly. If they do, then mom has no choice but to pay. You could offer to assist with putting the weekend hired help in place, but that's it.

As far we the "weekend-only" illnesses, you may need to practice saying, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well, mom, but Norma is here to take care of you. If you feel you need to go to hospital, call Emergency Services, they'll find me and I'll meet you there."

laurabutler, I don't live with mom. She lives with me. I don't know what to do when they bring her back. The last time, mom walked into the house, I went to the door to ask sib why they brought her back, and they were already pulling out of the driveway! I've begged them to give me a day alone in my home. If I lock the doors and leave my house, it defeats the purpose. Interestingly, these sibs already have their hands out telling me what they should get when mom passes. I feel like the little red hen.

This is such a common ploy for attention, to avoid uncomfortable things, or avoid being alone, and is so hard to deal with. When being the caregiver puts that much stress on you, something has to change. There are many Assisted Living facilities these days that are quite nice, but most of them are private pay because Medicare and insurances will just not pay for them. If she has enough of a nest egg to afford one, that is probably the best answer, as long as you visit regularly. That will let her know that she is not abandoned and will help allay any guilt feelings. But, that can be very expensive. Some assisted living facilities allow people there just for the day, or for a week or month at a time while caregivers take a break. I have no idea what they charge for that, but that is an option that you might look into. If your sisters are not willing to be her caregiver at least once a week, maybe they all could pitch in to help pay for at least one day a week in that type of facility where you know she will be taken care of and yet, give you the time off you need. Perhaps your area has a Council on Aging, or some other senior type organization that might have some other ideas on places that could help. Some of them have senior volunteers that would be willing to sit with her for a day, if she is not needing a lot of physical care.

I can empathize for sure, NIa..The following may be not practical in case mom is truly unable to be alone, but if she is, then perhaps you may want to consider it...
This Friday, tell her that you have commitments of Saturday and must be out of the house. Say you will leave at, say, 8 AM. Before you leave, put breakfast on the table. Also, put lunch into the fridge, sandwich, whatever.

When she pulls the sick act, just smile and say she will just have to wait until tomorrow to be sick because you must keep your appointments...Do not try to explain what the appointments are when asked.

Now, if she is incapable of getting out of bed, then that is another matter.

You know, willingness is a big key to satisfaction in life as I see it. I see you reaching out for advice..that means to me that you are willing and have a desire to live more normally. Thus, it is encouraging to me that you may feel like you don't want to live, but your communication to the group shows that you do, but on a happier footing.

I am sorry I cannot be more helpful...More facts from your end might help. For example, if you do move out, do you have a place to stay? If mom is unable to be left alone, could you possibly hire a person to come in midday on days when now caregiver is at the house to spell you for four hours or so?

Try to think outside the box.

I wish you well....Please keep us informed of your progress and status as time goes along.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

It sounds like you need to make other arrangements for your mom, like assisted living or nursing home so you can move out. It does not sound like she can care for herself.

PS- And most 85 year olds need someone living with them, even if you aren't watching them like a hawk. Most of us want to think our elders are more capable than they are. And their pride a lot of times will have them acting more independent than they truly are.

ReadyToGo... Your situation can only happen if you STAY in your mom's home. Move out or put your items in storage before dropping mom off. Don't take their calls. Who cares if THEY are mad? Let someone else figure out a solution for mom.

I would say to check into respite services. They will take your mom a few days and give you a break. I think she maybe lonely, and fears your leaving. This would give you a break, and she would be well cared for by others who can give her attention. It is not good for her or yourself if you feel resentful. Even a saint wears out after awhile caring for another. But don't overlook the fact that she may indeed be sick. We can't truly know how another feels. My brother passed away and was the same way. So no one paid too much attention when he kept complaining about feeling sick. He even said he thought he had a heart attack, and everyone thought he was being over dramatic. He passed a week later. Even his doctor didn't have him come in immediately when he complained of head to toe worsening pain- the day he died. We now feel guilty we didn't listen better to him.:/

Traumadoc, Nia wrote that she lived WITH her mother. There was no indication that she lived OFF her mother. Those who post on this site asking for advice and support need just that--advice and support. I am so sorry that you appear to be in so much emotional pain. If you are a trauma doc, as your site name would suggest, it would seem that you are getting a "double whammy" of needy people.

I am sure, and I hope, that you are very proud of the work you do to save lives. It sounds to me, from the little of what I have read of your postings, and the anger and contempt that comes across, that you need someone to save YOUR life.

I hope that you can find a bit of compassion for the patients in your care--and for yourself. I urge you to do something about your OWN pain.