SoBlessed Asked November 2016
Mother refuses to allow 5 children to help her in caring for father at home. What do we do?
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My 77 year-old father has multiple health concerns and has just recently became helpless - cannot walk, turn over in bed, or feed himself. My mother is caring for him at home and says all their children work so she doesn't want to ask them to help because they are unable to take time off from work. She is recently recovering from eye surgery and is insisting that she needs help but wants help from public services/places, not family. What should we do? Just make a schedule with the 5 kids and tell our mother what days we will be there?
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Start calling the county offices, Senior Centers, and get an idea of what they can offer. In the case of the county, it might be just occasional nursing. The Senior Centers may have information on home care agencies.
How the family can help (so you don't feel left out and do feel as though you're making a contribution), is to create lists of everything that needs to be done. Each of you can contact different care agencies, then pool your observations and shortlist a few to interview.
Believe me, that would be a MAJOR help to your mother. Calling and getting info from agencies can be time consuming, and of course, they're all the best if you speak with one of their marketers.
You can also when calling Senior Centers is ask if they have home care expos. In my area, the better managed and run centers have them annually, generally in the fall. The Area Agency on Aging also holds annual caregiver expos - they're massive, and have a lot of participation. I take a little rolling luggage carrier and fill it with handouts, then sort them later for future use.
You can get information not only on home care agencies, but also on transportation and other sources of assistance.
Since your mother has recently had eye surgery, I would first focus on getting physical assistance for your father as too much movement or improper stance might affect your mother's recovery. You can work on cleaning, household and yard assistance later.
And that's another aspect: itemize what household and exterior chores need to be done so you can find sources for that. If your NC area has winter snow and storms, start contacting snow services so your parents walks and driveway will always be accessible for EMS if necessary.
Either ask neighbors or make arrangements with your siblings to get the mail and take out the garbage so your parents don't have to do that. These can easily be done after work, so your mother can feel comfortable that she's helping you to help her, but not interfering with your jobs.
Plan some weekend respites; you can alternate so each of you has a chance to visit. You might want to bring meals with enough extras that can be frozen so your mother doesn't have to cook as much during the week.
Many of us usually have the opposite problem when one parents refuses to lets strangers from an Agency into the house to help the both of them.
Later down the road, when Mom needs more help and it becomes to costly then you and your siblings could help.
If it's determined that it's not feasible to do it her way, I'd explain to her that dad's needs have to protected. I'd get legal advice on how to proceed and then I'd do it. Also, does your dad's doctor know what condition he's in and how he's receiving care? Maybe, he can advise your mom what dad really needs.