Hi, folks...me AGAIN. For thosebod you that dont know, I brought my 84 year old mother to live with me. She's been living with me for the past 5 years. At first, things seemed to go smoothly. The longer she is with me, the more controlling she's been trying to be. For example, she tries to force me into going to bed whenever *she* wants to go...she continually notes that "It's 5 o'clock. Don't you think you should be getting dinner?"....she tries to force me to feed or potty our dogs whenever *she* thinks it needs to be done....she tries to force me to bring my horses in at times that they can be outside....etc. It's not just one subject or event but ALL facets of my life. And when I say she 'tries to force' me, I mean that she just harps & harps & harps on stuff, badgering away endlessly at whichever subject she's trying to manipulate even when I tell her that I'm an adult, I know what I'm doing & I've made my decision on how it should be handled. It just doesn't stop her! She keeps right on hammering away about it until I either get sick of it & get up & do it her way just to get her to shut up or I get ticked enough to yell at her.....and then, of course, I'm a horrible, awful person. She literally treats me like I'm 10 & it's driving me insane. The ironic part in all of this is that my whole life all I ever heard was how her mother wouldn't let her do things her high school & college friends were doing (staying out late for football games, wearing lipstick, etc) & how she always resented her mother for that. I've thrown that back in mom's face & I either get a complete denial that she's like that or I get the horrible, awful thing again. I've tried ignoring the repeated badgering & not responding to her once I've explained my reasons for the decision I've made but then she gets ticked & starts screaming at me & revisits the horrible, awful subject again. I'm SO sick of this behavior that I'm well past resenting her. Anyone encountered this & what did you do about it?
If no illness is found, you need a good counselor to help you set healthy boundaries between you and your Mom. Thinking of healthy boundaries might be tough and require some creative thinking, so having a good counselor will be helpful for that, also. Losing your friends is so hard, I know. I'm sorry that's happened to you. It's happened to me, also, so I can understand that. Sometimes it feels like betrayal, like they were 'fair weather' friends. Where are they now when you really need them? My counselor has become a good friend and maybe you'll get that fortunate also.
Counselors that work for the county usually have fees on a sliding scale according to your income. The same is true with counselors who work at a church. You don't have to belong to the church or go to their services. Have you checked into whether you can draw an income for having to stay at home to care for an invalid mother? I don't know where you'd ask, just making a suggestion.
If there's no medical or psychological problem found & treated to explain your Mom's increasing behavioral changes, it seems you 2 need to live separately from each other. This may sound drastic, but you 2 do not get along well. You can't keep living under the huge stress your Mom puts on you. Caregivers do burn out. You do have limits on what you can handle. Please think about this option. Can your Mom go to a nursing home or something similar? That would give you some times of peace and you have more control over how long your visits are based on how she treats you. It takes a lot of time and work at first, but after awhile the arrangements are finished and things settle down and get quiet. You could work again to bring in income.
And sounds like you need to give momma a couple benadryl and go outside and ride your pony. I would be riding down the road saying "lalalalala....I cant hear youuuuuu!!!" Maybe she will fall asleep in her chair and cut you a break! Shheessh!
I have one sibling who lives 1,000 miles away so it's me 24/7/365. Even when I lived closer, he was no help anyway, so it STILL was me, me & all me 24/7/365.
As for Mom moving out...I would MORE than welcome it but she refuses to go into an ALF & when I contacted an elder attorney I was told that I cannot force her into a facility unless she can be deemed incompetent by the court. Yes, she does have mild to moderate dementia & does, occasionally, sundown but her orientation during the day is still too intact for her to get the incompetent label. We had her on Zoloft for anxiety at one point but it caused her to have terrible diarrhea that resulted in "accidents" so she was switched to Seroquel. She's supposed to be on 100mg each night but every time I try to progress her beyond 50mg, she sundowns SO badly that she's kind of aggressive!
I hate to say this because it makes me sound like a horrible human being & an even MORE horrible daughter, but I go to bed every night praying for God to take her home so that I can be released from my living hell.
Start teaching yourself that she will not run your life from wherever you place her by you answering the phone when she calls and taking orders from her or this moving her out will do no good. You do not have to answer every time she calls you. You don't have to take orders from her on how to live your life once she's moved out. Do not let her guilt you into coming to see her and take her places after you've determined how often you will visit. You must determine these things ON YOUR OWN and STICK WITH YOUR DECISIONS. You probably need counseling and someone to be responsible to so you keep to your decisions. You will need to grow a spine that your Mom can't remove.
You may hate me for saying this but you need someone to say it. Your Mom is driving you crazy and you need to claim your sanity back. Get help asap.
It sounds like your mother is fine to stay by herself for a while. Block the home phone number while you are out and unblock it when you get home. If she lets you have hell when you get home, tell her you needed some Me-time and turned off the phone. If she doesn't like it, what is she going to do? Get mad and leave? I can already see you smiling.
Anyway... it can take a few painful weeks to establish some new boundaries in your life. If she won't cooperate after a while, there are other options for her living elsewhere. There is no need for you to ruin your own life to try to make hers better. That is not a fair swap. You are as important as she is. You'll just have to help her to see this.
Have the doctor give her some medication for that, could be anxiety.
Learn what sundowner's is, feed and medicate her for that.
Have some nice ladies come over to find out what is bothering her.
Listen to people here who have experience with dementia, etc.
Take care of yourself, and lock the bathroom door, please.
I do hate the not being able to go to the bathroom without several interruptions...it is like having a 2 year old on my hands....
If my shower takes "too long" she yells "are you all right? I thought something had happened to you" If I am gone for an hour (and i said I would be) she tells me she was "going to call the police...since I was so late getting back"
Yes the controlling gets VERY OLD
My sister couldn't go out to supper, without Mother calling her several time. If someone went to visit Mother, they would tell me that she wouldn't let them leave the house.
What? She is 96. She couldn't hold anyone hostage. But, people 50,60 and 70 years old acted like they were children.
Believe me, it will not get any easier for you until you take control and move your mom out. What is the plan, if she outlives you? Good luck.
My garden or my barn used to be my "safe havens" but I literally can NOT move without her following me like my shadow. If I somehow do manage to get to either place without her, then she stands in the back door of the house & calls to me every few minutes to come in. If I brush her off, then she feigns that she needs help with something. I've ridden my horse ONCE in the last 12 months because she badgers me the whole time to get off & once my irritation & frustration with MOM starts, my horse senses it & starts to act up....which, of course, diminishes my enjoyment of our time together. She never acts like that when mom's not around & I'm relaxed.
My very last bastion of privacy was the toilet & shower. NOT ANYMORE! She barges right in & wants to know when I'm coming back out!! My shower last evening got interrupted THREE times & then she barged in TWICE while I was drying off & getting into my PJ's!!!
Redirection is a lost cause. If she doesn't want to do something, she won't. I have an iPod but, again, if I ignore her ranting, it ticks her off & she'll start screaming at me and/or interrupting whatever I'm doing.
As for hobbies, yeah.....professional sitting in front of the TV. The damned thing is on from the moment she gets up around 7am & doesn't go off for even a second until she goes to bed sometime between 9pm & 10pm. She even gets ticked at me if there's nothing on that she likes to watch and shrieks at me, "There's nothing on! Find me something to watch!" I've told her repeatedly that I can't "manufacture" programs that aren't on but that just makes her mad, too.
I used to enjoy playing my piano....but I can't even do that now because that stupid TV is on from dawn to dusk & she gets upset that she can't hear the TV over the piano. Thing is, she'll tell me there's nothing on that she's interested in watching....but then she'll sit & watch anyway! I've caught her falling asleep with the TV on & attempted to shut it off instead of wasting the electric but she wakes up the instant it goes off & yells at me because "I'm watching that!" I'm so freaking tired of that TV that I swear I'm cutting off my satellite service when she passes & never having TV again.
Have you ever tape recorded her rants and played them back for her to hear? Could you "redirect" her by giving her some simple tasks? Could she plant a container garden and take care of that herself?
If I were you I would get an ipod, tune her out and go about your day. Is she ok in the house by herself if you spend a lot of time outside?
I wish you well and I hope you can find some peace for yourself. This sounds maddening!