I’m 52. My mother divorced my father who adored her 40 years ago. She has anxiety and depression but coped through living in nice hotels around the world. We fund but she has done it reasonably and gets best deals. I haven’t lived with her for 40 years and only seen her about 10 times since age 19, when she called me daily at college to tell me she was lost. I developed severe ocd about her and thought about her 5 hours a day. I moved away and it got better. Then it happened again and she would call me all the time about her horrors, no place to live. Around my age 35 we started funding her fully. Things got better (by better I mean I never wanted to call her but was able to call her once a week and only obsess about an hour a day. Now over the past few months, things have gotten worse and my ocd is skyrocketing. Writing posts like this, talking to anyone who will listen. She is impossible to talk to. She won’t budge an inch. We asked for one hour of help a week from her to help us and she said no during the pandemic. Not one hour. We asked for a planning phone call or we weren’t going to send her funds and she just threatened to kill herself so finally we sent to stop the torture. Now at 77, I have limited contact and trying various treatments but she still slams on me about her misery. She doesn’t have a home and cries about that. Then we offer to buy her a home in Florida, Phoenix and she says she doesn’t want a dumpy home. Then we offer to buy her a nice home and she says she doesn’t want to be alone. The issue is she has no family that cares about her. My sister and dad don’t care if she is dead. Neither do her brothers. We care and I feel devastated for her, but I can’t have her in my unit because I don’t have space (2 bedroom for 3 people already). I don’t want her here because I am
obsessjng hours a day as it is and she will continue to manipulate me (I didn’t find her a husband, I have a husband, she doesn’t want to live and just wants to be hugged, I didn’t give her a solution to live overseas and have a home base in the United States, her life didn’t meet her dreams). As background, she sounds insane saying that 35 years ago she stayed with me when my father had a brain tumor and was in life threatening surgery. She tells me she missed a meeting and got in trouble. She was never there for me - didn’t come to wedding, graduations or when I got I’ll. But she gets into my head. Now I can’t make her go anywhere. She won’t call a suicide line, she won’t pick a place to live but will just email me until I break. Yes, the problem is with me, sf is very expensive and I can’t fund her here but moreover this is not a retirement community. She need to make friends but won’t. Only daily emails that she has no hope. Everyone tells me to not read her emails. I am so scared. By the way, I have an amazing husband and son…can’t even focus on them. Can you help me? Small part of me wonders if I need to open my arms and just love this shell of a human. I can’t solve it. Do you have resources?
You are obsessed with her and you two feed off of each other. And through all of this craziness you still want to buy her a place to live,
How exactly is she being held hostage she is in a hotel, stop taking the calls from them.
I read your drama and I feel like I am watching a soap opera, that all of this is a story line not reality.
It has been a year, and you are still engaging with her and cannot let go, nothing changes if nothing changes.
(That's an involuntary psychiatric hold).
The calls ARE fake if she is "fine with the police". The police can help--they can get her to a psych ER where she belongs. It’s a gateway to the treatment and meds she so desperneeds.
I would call hotel and tell them that you are not her guardian, not responsible and to call EMS and Social Services to get her help if she is acting out.
I personally would have an attorney send a letter to the hotel. It would be worth the money (if they can buy her a house, then a $200 letter would be worth it).
You also wrote your mother is also seeing someone?
Are either of these therapists doing any good?
Do you see that you are enabling her? Maybe if you stopped the funding, she could finally get the help that she so desperately needs.
2) Go to therapy . You need to turn off your sympathies for her .
If you want to help her . You give her what she needs ( a small one bedroom condo ). Does she get social security to pay for food and other expenses ?
If you help her monetarily . You give a monthly stipend for necessities only .
IF YOU HELP HER . Mom gets what she needs NOT what she wants.
If/ When the time comes she goes on Medicaid to a nursing home. Do not pay for assisted living for her .
Thats just who she is. Stop trying to fix her and accept she is not fixable. Plenty of people have given her opportunity to have connections with them and she has screwed all of them over.
She doesnt want a connection with you she wants to envelope you in her blob of dysfunction and suck the life out of you emotionally and financially.
Her dying would be the best thing that could happen to you but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Its sick. And perverted. It’s not normal. It’s gross.
you can't reason yourself out of an OCD obsession.
then you need a doctor to help you, OP.
(sometimes OCD obsessions can never be eliminated; it'll keep coming back).
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OP, the situation sounds really simple:
--don't want her to harass you with phone calls, or her giving your number to other people (like to the hotel, so they call you to say they're worried about your mother)? then change your number. it's really easy. get a new sim card.
--you do want to keep receiving her voice messages (VM)? don't mind that she gives your number to other people? then keep the same number.
--you can silence unknown numbers. you can take a break anytime, from reading her emails, or listening to VM.
--want to give her a house? then go ahead. she hasn't chosen where she wants to live? then choose for her, give her the house, and that's that. don't want to give her a house? then don't give her a house.
--want to help her? then help her. see her, see her health situation with your own eyes. take her to whatever doctors she needs. maybe she does urgently need help, physically and mentally, from doctors.
--don't want to help her? then don't help her.
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OP, are you the kind of person who likes having lots of people (like on a forum) worry about you?
and are you the kind of person who likes saying they're the victim, like "poor me, look at how my mother is harassing me...poor me..." ?
...in other words, no matter what anyone tells you about how to solve your mother problem, you like being the victim, so you'll continue with "poor me, look at how my mother keeps calling me, and i keep listening to the VMs..." ? because what you actually like is the "poor me" aspect, and being able to keep saying "poor me"?
some people actually like it. they wouldn't want to get rid of a certain situation, because then they can't say "poor me".
Maybe if you heard one of the 30 voicemails you would hear the terror, panic, anxiety and misery of a human being and maybe wonder too.
The lawyer said he has never seen a situation like this in his 30 years.
Why is the hotel calling you?
I certainly know that you have struggled with this situation. You generously or foolishly (depending upon how you look at it) helped a mother who wasn’t ever a major part in your life.
Your father raised you. The last time I spoke to you, you said that your father was dying. My condolences to you.
Your stepmom has put up with a lot from your mom. I’m sorry that she lost her son.
There is nothing harder than burying a child. I watched my mother grieve deeply when my brother died. We had to allow him to go his own way too. Sadly, his poor choices in life caught up to him. I do know that we could not have prevented his death. Your stepmother would not have been able to save her son.
I am glad that you are participating in therapy. A couple of things jumped out at me in your post. One was you discussing your stepmom losing her son.
Are you afraid of losing your mom if you totally let go? Please consider that your mom was never a real part of your life. She abandoned you.
You know that while you have empathy for her, you don’t have a genuine relationship with her.
You have confessed that you are following the concept of Chinese Filial piety. I respect any spiritual beliefs that you have but I believe that this particular belief is an extremist point of view.
Has your mother been in touch with her rabbi or another rabbi? How did she end up in Florida?
The other thing that jumped out at me was at the end of your post, about your husband. It sounds like he is becoming numb to the situation and growing very tired of it. Please place his feelings above your mother’s feelings.
Your mother is mentally unstable and will never be happy. If she had a residence in Tel Aviv she would still find something to be miserable about.
Please, stop trying to accommodate her. You have been through enough heartache. Cherish what is good in your life, your husband and son, your business, etc.
You can find peace, but only if you put an end to this crazy situation with your mom.
Maybe your mom does have some remorse over hurting you in the past. Did you consider that she is trying to play on your emotions in order to manipulate you into getting what she wants?
What is her excuse for continuing to hurt you every single day of your life by the continual harassment? There isn’t ever going to be a peaceful compromise with this woman. She wants it all! No matter what it costs, even if it is her daughter’s sanity.
Has your sister been helping her in any way? Your sister doesn’t seem to have the attachment that you have to your mom.
Take care, OCD and stay in therapy.
I don't believe in filial piety to this extent. I've done all I can do. The issue is that I can't decide it's over. She has said if we cut ties, she will show up and we can kill her directly. I have blocked her voicemails (have not answered one). However, they still show up in blocked. I didn't listen, but once I did, it gets in my head. She keeps trying because she "has no other choice" and I'm the only one so it's her only option. She doesn't want to hurt me but she's dying, can't stand the isolation (literally, crying/screaming/begging).
I am not afraid of losing my mom if I let go. I'm afraid that this won't end. I don't think people understand that she won't let me let her go. I haven't talked to her in almost a year.
I spoke to the lawyer and we found the harassment code. I can file a letter, but she is not likely to follow it.
I have a sense of humanity that I don't want her on the street, but I don't want her in my life.
The manipulation gets hard to handle, but I don't think it is all manipulation. I know she is completely miserable and panicking every day. She was able to get on a plane to Boca somehow as she has been staying at that hotel for a decade. I guess she could do that one thing.
She won't accept a house.
I have always been the only one until this Rabbi from St. Louis, but I have been trying to give up that role. Is it really okay to let a human being suffer like that? She has put enough ideas in my head that I am the only one who can save her. In a vacuum it doesn't seem like a big ask to visit your mother or have her visit you. The issue is that it won't be the end and won't solve anything.
"out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field, I'll meet you there" - Rumi
In fact, OP has OCD, which means obsessive thinking. I think OP isn't able to stop herself from obsessing over her Mom.
"There is no way you will ever make her well, so make yourself well instead."
Great advice!
I seem to remember that you privately messaged me saying that while your father was dying, your mother was torturing you.
If this happened, why are you still giving your mother the time of day? Please grieve for the loss of your father, concentrate on your own family, your husband and son and cease all contact with your mom.
You know that she is mentally ill, so why on earth do you think that you will ever be able to reason with her or that it’s worth your time to communicate with her?
Look at some of the OP's past posts. According to the OP her mother has all kinds of connections and is very powerful and dangerous.
She lives in fear of her mother that she'll harm her and her family.
The OP claims that she couldn't go to the police and request a restraining order because her mother also controls the police department too.
Yet, she also claims that her mother cannot afford to live on her own and she has to support her.
How does this make sense?
While your DH being the gate-keeper is admirable, I see it as a short term solution. I can't even imagine the pressure - on both of you.
Longer term, what do you want? To help her? To be free? You don't have to disclose to a forum, but try to identify for yourself.
Do you want to take the wheel, gain control & park Mom securely in care? Keep on the same path, Mom always pushing, you always resisting. Or let go? Let Mom steer solo.
Once you fully commit to a choice, it should become easier to move forward, looking ahead.
Ocdtrauma feeds into the drama with her mother because she likes it.
What we have here is a professional victim and martyr.
You would be lucky if your mother really was dying because that is the only way you will be set free from her.
But you and I both know this miserable, whining shrew of a woman; who has been given more from you than she deserves is not dying anytime soon.
To have someone in your life who wants to BE your life--that's messed up and you know that.
I hope you are dealing with a therapist and also, if necessary, taking meds to help you with your OCD.
My MIL is doing this same thing to her kids, now she's in Hospice. She screams at them night and day and nothing is good enough for her. She continually slams their father, whom she divorced 30+ years ago. This does not buy favors from them--as he was a good father and never spoke a word against her--and certainly could have.
Your mom is going to be miserable and blame you forever. She has no impetus to change, and so, won't.
So you have to.
My MIL and I got 'divorced' almost 3 years ago. I have not seen nor spoken to her in that time. I do not regret doing that b/c she was killing me, emotionally. While it mad DH very unhappy with me, I had to do this to get her out of my head, and the ONLY way was to go no-contact.
This is probably what you will have to do with your mother.
How good of you to still feel like you should open your arms to this 'shell' of a person. You must be very empathetic--as I am. It is a trait that brings great joy & great pain. But it must be managed.
{{Hugs}}
You do not have to support this selfish mother of yours .
She is manipulating you .
Run away from this situation .
Go get help for yourself .
She doesnt have family relationships because she did not invest her time and energy in those relationships, it doesnt even sound like she has friends. Have you tried telling her the impact all of this is having on you and if she truly cared for you, then she would back off? Her actions would be very revealing.
Gets a "My pain is worse than your pain" kind of response.
Consumed by her own pain & needs for so long - unable to have much (or any) empathy for others.
I'm not saying her pain & suffering is not real to her. I'm sure it is.
What's cray-cray is both the Mother & daughter seem to have some sort of locked thinking that the daughter must save her.
Not to be rude or offensive but…
If you heard your story from another person, wouldn’t you think that they were crazy?
Just about everyone on your thread has questioned your reactions to your mother.
Doesn’t this make you question yourself? Is it possible that all of us are wrong for questioning your beliefs? Or are you the one who is completely delusional?
Do you realize how badly this is confusing your child? We can’t hide everything from our children. They see more than we think they do.
Overall my daughters had a loving grandmother/granddaughter relationship, but I know that my daughters picked up on some of the stress. I regret they saw certain things.
You know, it’s okay if children know that problems exists in their families. Issues can be addressed at age appropriate levels and preferably with guidance from a therapist.
It’s important for children to know that families are trying to resolve their issues. It’s not okay for them to consistently see ongoing conflict.
I hope that some of our posters who witnessed extreme negative relationships between their parents and grandparents will tell you how disturbing it was for them to see. I am sure that you love your son deeply but you are blind as to how much this is affecting him.
The same thing applies for spouses. Something clicked with me when my therapist and husband said to me, “Your mother is upset when she gets her way and she is upset when she doesn’t get her way. So, why are you still trying to please her?”
Sometimes, there is no pleasing someone! Sometimes, we are extremely different from our mothers and it causes enormous conflict in our lives. Sometimes, our moms are developing dementia and we fail to see it. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…
Please try to listen with an open mind. We can always learn something new.
Ocd, is that what your Mother said?
Or what you believe?
Mom hasn’t slowed down yet!
What harm can she do to you? Is she physically powerful? Have access to guns?
Cut off ALL communication and stop sending her money.
Hire a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter.
Change your email address and phone number.
If she shows up, you call 911.
If you are serious about getting over your addiction to your mother's drama, use the money you've been sending to her to find yourself the very best psychiatrist in SF. Be guided by her/his recommendations for medication and therapy.
Why do you BELIEVE the crap your mother writes? What evidence do you have, other than her lies and delusions, that she is dying, in a dump or suffering in any way?
You are being played.
In response to your response just now, just STOP! Run to a therapist and take your husband with you!
You keep repeating that therapy will not help. Please tell us the last time that you were in therapy.
You told us a long time ago that you were being treated for your OCD. Have you been diagnosed with any other disorders?
I’m not a psychiatrist but I believe anyone can see that you have severe anxiety issues.
Do you think that you would benefit from taking medication for your anxiety?
You aren’t ever able to turn off your anxiety! Doesn’t that concern you?
Does your son witness this behavior? He is learning from your example.
Your husband must be exhausted from dealing with this situation. Please change this behavior for all of you.
Your mother is mentally ill! You have no control over her situation. You need therapy just as much as she does. Maybe more.
Find a therapist who will tell you how damaging ‘Chinese filial piety’ is to you and your family. Start your own belief system. One that isn’t ‘cult’ like.
Your mom has been like a crazy cult leader since you were a child. It’s time for you to become deprogrammed. Yes, you do need therapy! Sadly, your whole family needs therapy.
Are you going to dump this ‘Chinese filial piety’ stuff onto your child when you get old?
You deserve to be happy! You have suffered enough! Let go of this. Go see a psychiatrist to get some Ativan or another medication so you can calm down and not be riddled with anxiety.
"I stopped reading and she broke through on Skype. “I need you to survive!!! Please help me!!! I’m so scared.” My sister and stepmom offered to help. She has 140k in the bank. She won’t let up. 13 emails a day on the one my husband checks. I live in fear each day of her showing up. I want to help, which is also sick. We waNt to fund but cut ties. She is Ill."
Yes, she is ill. But if she can figure out how to Skype, she is far from helpless. Have YOU sought therapy yes to learn how to cope with your fear?.
So Mom is asked to leave her current place/home/hotel. If she does not, what happens? Police/County arrive to evict?
Would they point her towards crises accommodation? Maybe with social services to help secure her next bed?
If she appeared very mentally unwell, suicide threats, she may find herself referred to a mental health service.
I would let that happen.
STOP READING HER EMAILS! She is mentally unstable. You cannot, nor will you ever be able to reason with her.
Please go to therapy. You are your own worst enemy. She has it made in the shade. Stop worrying about her and focus on yourself. How are you running a business when you are constantly consumed with your mom?
You, your husband and child deserve so much better than the miserable life that you are living. Put an end to it, once and for all.
Your last post says that it has been a year that she has been doing this and that she claims that she will die. It hasn’t killed her yet!
She is bluffing. She will not harm herself because she is going in for the kill. When has she ever carried out any threats? Or been in any real danger?
She is pampered to no end. She’s fine! You are the one who is suffering. Not her.
My mother is living with us (until summer) and requested to come out of the blue for the first time E.V.E.R. (with her not being medically sick). It's been... ROUGH! My mother is extremely jealous of my relationship with my children and yelled out last week (again), "You're mine, all mine", with a gloating sense of possession like it was some kind of compliment. When my kids go for the weekend to see their dad, she mentions about how nice everything is and when they are here 95% of the time, she's frowning and rolling her eyes at the affection and attention we give each other.
Your mother seems the type that wants to possess your every thought and will likely drive you insane with the incessant requests and need for attention to be on HER and your poor husband and son will suffer b/c you, like me, seem to be the type to feel guilty when you don't cave into her whiny demands and need for attention. Unfortunately, this is trauma-induced as it was something ingrained in me when I was a child of violent/alcoholic parents and she looked to me do everything and the roles were reversed with responsibilities and emotional dumping. Once I left for college at 18, I got the help I needed to slowly detox those dysfunctions, but nothing has changed with her... It sounds as though, while the personal situation may be different, there was a lot of emotional dumping and guilt-tripping with you, and this is where your guilt is coming from.
My mother staying here has been a vortexed roller coaster of emotions I am starting to despise. I am, however, THANKFUL for this opportunity because it solidified the fact that I will NOT be able to live with her and vice versa. Do not move your mother in your home.
Again, whatever you do... please don't let her move in. It would be more advantageous for her to get a studio or something in an adult home than to ever move into your home. Your mother needs help...you as well. But you can't heal in the same environment or around the same people who broke you.
I would rather feel a tad bit of guilt about her being alone than to become responsible for her every ebb and flows of emotions and requests. I simply can't and it doesn't sound like your spirit is able to do this either. Put your foot down and say you will NOT be living with us, at a bare minimum.
I have done everything in my power to get her a place for decades. I can't get her to have a conversation about planning. My sister (who was also estranged) is now offering to help to help me (who would have thought). But...my mother won't live in St. Louis (she is dying there and needs to escape like always). My stepmother (who she ridiculed) is offering to help her get setup in Phoenix (we buy the house). She won't do ANYTHING but send everyone miserable emails each day. At least I'm not the only target, although I am her obsession. I am her only chance to live. After my sister finally came back into her life, she doesn't want that because it is St. Louis and she prefers San Francisco. She doesn't like the bar scene. My husband and I have more money and are more stable and again, SF over Saint Louis. I don't stop either though. I want to keep making sure that she hears us when we offer to start with a phonecall. But, she won't pick up the phone. For some strange reason, she can't pick a place to live. She entertained the idea of a home base that we could buy her and then also let her travel (paying for both). I've read that narcissists can hear you, but they don't take no. We've said no 100 times. However, the place in St. Louis where she has overstayed her welcome is finally telling her to leave on 2/28. She cries eviction, but she was only supposed to stay a month. She cries eviction although she has called the luxury place a prison. She's simply not leaving but they will call the police if she is not gone by 2/28. She will not find an apartment. She will not have a conversation. Withholding funds does nothing to change her behavior. Yes, throwing in the towel (although I know I'll try again). I'm holding my ground. It takes time to find a therapist. Good news is my back pain is gone thanks to a John Sardo video. She was the reason I couldn't sit for 6 months. As soon as I realized it, my pain evaporated.
The question that you need to ask yourself is, ‘Do you want to break?’ What good are you to yourself or anyone else if you break?’
It’s completely apparent that your mother is severely mentally ill. What purpose are you serving by allowing this abuse to continue? Hasn’t she harassed you enough?
Why is your mother's happiness something that YOU need to provide?
Your mother wasn't happy just to see YOU smile all those years ago. Why do you think that ANYTHING you give her--money, houses, hugs--is going to fell the hole in her center?
Your mother's unhappiness and emptiness is existential and not able to be remediated by you or any other mere mortal.
Please, throw in the towel and find yourself a therapist.