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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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We need a lot more information to answer this question. If Mom needs help bathing, etc., I have a feeling there are some fairly serious issues. Duke, it may be that your siblings think your mother would receive better care and have a better chance of socializing if she were in a facility. I would pay attention to their logic and not let emotions rule in this situation. Do you think she could receive better care in a facility? Are there any nice ones around -- maybe one that has a friend or two? Many modern facilities are not the same as the nursing homes of last century.
Personally, if I were given the option of living around peers or with one of my children, there would be no contest. Peers are a lot more fun and children can visit on weekends. :-)
If you take her in against siblings wishes, do not expect them to take turns in order to relieve you.....you will be committing to this in your own. It is a complete lifestyle change.
My BIL wants to take his mother in. Of course trout season opens April 1 and he has no intentions of interrupting his fishing. He just assumes his wife will handle the loose ends.
Can you win the battle? I suppose it is possible, but it will take a lot of effort and a lot of luck.
Please make this resolution right now: if you decide to fight for it, accept the outcome, whatever it is, gracefully. Don't fight in such a way that it destroys your relationships with your sibs.
I'd say that the odds are tipped against you, especially with the POA in favor of placement. On the other hand, unless mother is declared incompetent by a court, even the POA can't force her to live where she doesn't want to.
Why do they want her in a home? Why are they against her living with you?
Could you come to a compromise? (Always taking mother's wishes into account, of course.) What if you approached them by saying, "I know that eventually Mom is going to need more care than we can give her. But I don't think that time has come yet. Let's see how she does living with me for 6 months, and then reevaluate the situation in at the end of September."
What are the reasons Mom can't continue to live alone?
When our mom reached the point where living on her own, even with increasing help, was not safe we were preparing to find assisted living for her. Then one sister retired and decided she'd like to have Mom move in with her. We were all in favor of that, and we helped in various ways. It worked pretty well to start with but Mom's health and dementia got worse. After 14 months we moved Mom into a nursing home. I think living with my sister was a wonderful transition period for Mother, but it would have been a disaster to continue indefinitely.
In our case, the custodial sister had support from the rest of the family. That is ideal, but it doesn't match the dynamics in all families. If you "win" by convincing the others, or by simply ignoring them and moving her in with you, what kind of help can you expect from them?
I'm just a tiny bit concerned that you may be somewhat in denial. Normal aging and slight memory problems don't usually inspire family to jump into "let's place her" mode. Could they be seeing something in your mom's condition that you may be missing? Who sees her most often? How often do you spend time with her?
Duke, you say " place her in a home". What are her needs? What level of care does she require? What are her diagnoses? Is she medically stable or does she have some progressive condition (s)? Has she had a cognitive evaluation? Does she have any underlying psychiateic conditions? What financial resources does she have to pay for caregiving?
There are several different levels of care facilities that your siblings might be talking about, i.e. Independent Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing Care.
Lastly, what stage of your career/retirement are you in? Would you move in with mom, or she with you? How will you be compensated ? Can mom afford private caregivers when you need a break, need to do grocery shopping or have a dentist appointment?
Duke, may I ask how old is your Mom? Your profile says she has general age decline. And she also has some short term memory loss which is normal depending on her age. What are the reasons that the majority of your siblings want Mom in a professional environment? And the big question, what does your Mom want to do?
Once a parent reaches a certain age, every new year is now like 10 years. Age decline comes quickly. I saw that happening with my parents. They went from walking 2 miles a day to needing canes and walkers within a 5 year span. I went from having wonderful conversations with Mom to her no longer being able to hear even with a hearing aid. A major fall could become life threatening, as it was with my Mom.
Mom passed and Dad is now in Independent/Assisted Living and he is so happy there. He has his independence but he is still surrounded by help any time he needs it. And he is among his peers so they can talk about the Great Depression, actors, music, etc.
Well if you are not working and are willing to be with her 24/7 and 365 days a year, it might be doable. If you can afford to renovate your home to make it a handicap toilet and a walk-in shower and there's a first floor bedroom and bath, perhaps. If you are able to change a dirty diaper without throwing up, give it a shot.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Personally, if I were given the option of living around peers or with one of my children, there would be no contest. Peers are a lot more fun and children can visit on weekends. :-)
Please make this resolution right now: if you decide to fight for it, accept the outcome, whatever it is, gracefully. Don't fight in such a way that it destroys your relationships with your sibs.
I'd say that the odds are tipped against you, especially with the POA in favor of placement. On the other hand, unless mother is declared incompetent by a court, even the POA can't force her to live where she doesn't want to.
Why do they want her in a home? Why are they against her living with you?
Could you come to a compromise? (Always taking mother's wishes into account, of course.) What if you approached them by saying, "I know that eventually Mom is going to need more care than we can give her. But I don't think that time has come yet. Let's see how she does living with me for 6 months, and then reevaluate the situation in at the end of September."
What are the reasons Mom can't continue to live alone?
When our mom reached the point where living on her own, even with increasing help, was not safe we were preparing to find assisted living for her. Then one sister retired and decided she'd like to have Mom move in with her. We were all in favor of that, and we helped in various ways. It worked pretty well to start with but Mom's health and dementia got worse. After 14 months we moved Mom into a nursing home. I think living with my sister was a wonderful transition period for Mother, but it would have been a disaster to continue indefinitely.
In our case, the custodial sister had support from the rest of the family. That is ideal, but it doesn't match the dynamics in all families. If you "win" by convincing the others, or by simply ignoring them and moving her in with you, what kind of help can you expect from them?
I'm just a tiny bit concerned that you may be somewhat in denial. Normal aging and slight memory problems don't usually inspire family to jump into "let's place her" mode. Could they be seeing something in your mom's condition that you may be missing? Who sees her most often? How often do you spend time with her?
There are several different levels of care facilities that your siblings might be talking about, i.e. Independent Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing Care.
Lastly, what stage of your career/retirement are you in? Would you move in with mom, or she with you? How will you be compensated ? Can mom afford private caregivers when you need a break, need to do grocery shopping or have a dentist appointment?
Just some questions to chew on.
Once a parent reaches a certain age, every new year is now like 10 years. Age decline comes quickly. I saw that happening with my parents. They went from walking 2 miles a day to needing canes and walkers within a 5 year span. I went from having wonderful conversations with Mom to her no longer being able to hear even with a hearing aid. A major fall could become life threatening, as it was with my Mom.
Mom passed and Dad is now in Independent/Assisted Living and he is so happy there. He has his independence but he is still surrounded by help any time he needs it. And he is among his peers so they can talk about the Great Depression, actors, music, etc.