Moved my Mom closer to me in nursing home after Dad's death. It is a good place. My husb. and I had plans to retire in another state . That time is here and we need to let her know we will not be seeing her as often. I am fearful she will feel abandoned. We plan on seeing her once a month or so and possibly "Skyping" We also may hire a companion to see her one time per week. There are not other family members close by. Her sisters have mentioned moving her back closer to them...but I am fearful that one more "move" may set her back greatly.
I'll probably be cyberstoned for this suggestion, but could you compromise or postpone your retirement plans to move to accommodate your mother's needs, or could you make plans to travel frequently through an area that would allow you to continue to visit?
I can't help thinking how lonely I would feel in this situation, and that's most certainly not to guilt trip you or your husband.
Or another alternative might be to decrease the frequency of your current visits to once monthly, not mention the planned move, and continue to see her monthly once you're retiring and traveling. Then the issue of the move wouldn't be such an issue.
If you think you will definitely be able to visit once a month I would gradually phase out your visits down to monthly before you leave and see if she notices, if she accepts that I think you will be home free. Once you get to your new location research the laws in your new State by visiting an elder care lawyer and find out how difficult it would be legally. if it's doable then research places in your new location where you feel she will be comfortable and well cared for and move her.
Best Wishes for your retirement.
In another post you explain she has been kicked out of one nursing home for her behavior and you are afraid she is headed that direction again.
I say, go ahead with your retirement plans.
If there is time to taper off your visits, that might be good preparation.
Have you discussed the possibility of skyping with the staff there? Would they be willing to help her with that on a regular schedule?
If that meets your needs, welcome!
I might first explore the reason the attorney said to keep her put. Do you know why? I'd explore that. It could involve her finances, trust, insurance, Medicaid, etc. I'd look into those issues and see what makes sense.
I would keep in mind that once you are settled into your retirement in another state, it might not be so easy to visit her once per month. And that is not a horrible thing. She may not be aware of the time between visits.
I would question how much is aware of. Does she actually recall when you visit? My cousin, who is in Memory Care, forgets a visit as soon as I walk out the door. She has no memory of whether I'm there that morning or a week before. So, I'm not bound to be there at any particular time. I just know that when I am there, it brings her comfort and joy, at least for a little while. Plus, I like visiting with her. She is a blessing to me.
I think one of the main things about being near is so you can monitor her condition and be near in case of emergency, but you can set up a way to handle that long distance.
If you really want to move her, I would explore the details of all that involves. I know how it's not advisable, but I moved my cousin to Memory Care and there was no problem at all. She adapted immediately. That's just one case, I know. I think it's matter of weighing the pro and cons.
Does he have a contact in the area where her sisters live?
Can he help you connect with someone in the sister's town? Ok, they don't drive, but is there dial-a-ride? Even small towns have that.........I think / I hope.
Who takes mom's sisters to appointments, doctors?
Who takes care of your aunts?
Is there someone you could rely on over there? Yes, no, maybe? Free or by the hour? Can you pay for caregiver where sisters live?
Hmmm....................
SKYPE is a wonderful tool ! You can be in the next room or in the next continent and the skypers do not know it. But, you would actually need a person to fire up the tablet, or laptop, or whatever device there is going to be for you to skype with her. Can someone be trusted to get this done? Yes, no, Maybe?
When is YOUR planned move out of state? 1, 2, 3 months?
One month, you have not much time to do the rehearsal one month visit............
Two or Three, yeah, you could and see how she reacts to skyping and seeing YOU in PERSON once per month................
It is so hard to say..............I would try everything "doable" before actually leaving. What does your hubby say / want / to do? That is such a hard thing, you are between your 2 loves, just like me. *another thread, you don't need any more info to weigh you down*. Pray about it, if you believe in prayer. See what great advice others will post. I am so thankful for this site, where I GET HELP, and I CAN HELP others. Truly caring people, and we don't even know eachother, but we are faced with the same challenges to differing degrees. Keep us posted. I care.
M
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How long has she had dementia?
What type is it?
What is her physical health like?
Keep venting, which really helps out. Helps you and helps us understand the whole picture............When is the move programmed for N.C.? Thank you!
m
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Moving people with dementia is to be avoided, I agree. Ideally your mother should stay put - happy in a place where they'll have her! :)
But this is a bit thornier than that. You moved her there so that she would be near you and your husband. On one level that was very nice of you: it showed commitment to her care. On another, though, it was for your convenience. Moreover, you and your husband must have known at the time of your retirement plans; but you moved her to be near you anyway.
And now you're shoving off and leaving her to it, not near any of her children at all?
Um. It has to be now?
I agree with you about the undesirability of a move, it is to be avoided if possible, but I still think in this case it's worth thinking about again. 81 year olds with developing dementia are not going to cope with Skype instead, or not for long anyway. So your options are:
1. leave mother where she is, and visit her occasionally. She'll forget you pretty soon, and as she does the incentive to visit will be less, until before long there'll be no point in going at all.
2. put your retirement plans on hold. For one thing, I don't see why you should (though I do think you should have been clear with her about them from the beginning). For another, that could easily lead you down the road of being increasingly impatient for her to, er, get on with it, if I can put it like that. Which would leave you feeling both resentful and ghoulish.
3. look at alternative placements near a) your retirement area or b) one of your sisters' homes.
Me, I'd go for 3 b). You've done your bit.
Now, as for your dilemma, it looks like your options are to 1) move and begin your retirement and stay put for now. 2) Take mom with you, move her closer to her sisters, or move her to a NC nursing home.
I too have a vulnerable mother who I lives in a nursing home. I also have a husband who has done the journey whose feeling I have to consider. I think what I would do is go forward with my retirement plans for my husband's sake. Use the service to have someone come in twice a week. In fact, I would start that immediately so you can meet the person, and switch to someone else if need be. Also, by the time you leave, mom will be used to the person, which will be huge.
A lot depends on what you can handle. Only you know whether you would be ok seeing mom once a month and skyping the rest of the time. So try it. If mom loves the caregiver and things are going well, great! It's a win. If not, then thank God, you can always make a change.
Concern about how she would take a move is very real. I would be very hesitant to move my mother at this stage of the game, too. But her resilience may surprise you. If you do end up moving her to a nh in NC, I would visit her a few times a week to start and be really hands-on about getting her involved in activities there. That will help, and eventually, she will adjust. If she's cognizant enough to know she's alone, she's probably doing well enough to adjust to a move (just judging by my own experience with my mom.)
If you get to NC and see that you really want your mom closer, start researching nursing homes and make the move.
As another posted said, I would ask my lawyer what would be involved in a move from his standpoint. Details, so you're aware.
I'm curious, have your aunts been concerned, involved, hands-on in the caregiving at all? Have they been supportive? Do they call/write/visit your mother at all? Do they ask you about her regularly? How she's doing and what she needs? Have they ever sent anything, like a card, or a small gift for your mother? Use the answers to those questions to gauge whether you should even *consider allowing her to go back to their town. I alarms me that they allowed her to be in a poor nursing home.
Good luck. Keep us posted. You have friends here.
How about moving her back to her original town near her sisters, and sending them money to get a cab to visit her. You went through legal stuff to get her to you, you already know the ropes to get her back.
To me, that sounds like a win-win solution. Different home, since you didn't like the one she was in. She would have visitors, You and your husband would have his dream. You know the old biblical "Leave father and mother and cleave to wife/husband," If you get killed on the road in a traffic accident, what would happen to her? It seems to me, being back near family would be better. I don't envy you. You have my hug. Whatever you do, do not put your life on hold. My husband now feels to old to pursue his original dream. I am so thankful we did his lifelong dream. Life changes, so do our plans.
I honor you for moving her near you, I think it is time to move her back. She will adjust. You can do the legal stuff, you did it once already.
Way nobody will have anything to do with her. I know her family is small but having a nursing home that provides excellent care and we can trust is critical... I found out that she has been kicked out of a couple other nursing home before I was in the picture.
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