Hospice provided me with 5 days of respite care for my Mom. The facility is incredibly nice (nicer than any rehab or nursing home she's ever been in) and people rave about the staff. Unfortunately, my mom has been crying everyday since she's been there and says "nobody is nice to her". She says she wants to go home and doesn't understand why she's there. I've tried to explain to her that she's only there for a few days and then I will take her back home. I desperately need this time to get my life (relatively) back on track...work, relationships, a recent move, my mental health, etc. Today, she told me she is dying and wants to be taken home. I don't know what to do for her and I feel terrible since I'm the one who put her in respite. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, did your loved one decline or pass after their stay in respite? I'm terrified that this decision will cause her to give up as she's been fighting to hold on for months now. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
If she dies it is because it is her time, no other reason.
I'm sorry that after all you've done to get this 5 days of respite that your mom is making it difficult for you to make good use of the time apart.
With all the good things you've heard about the facility providing the respite, it's not going to get any better than that so there's nothing you will be able to say or do that will reassure your mom. I think she is trying to punish you in a sense by saying she is dying.
In 2004 when we had in home hospice care for my dad while he was dying. We were given a chance to take advantage of their facility for a 5-day respite. But in our case my dad refused to go (he did not have dementia and was completely lucid). I think he was afraid that if he went, he wouldn't get to come back home. That being said, he still declined and passed away.
So what I'm trying to say is that it's not in our hands or control as to whether they die. If it's their time to leave this earth, they will whether they are staying in a facility while you take a 5-day respite or whether they are taken back home. If you can accept that fact, you won't keep feeling guilt. She can't "will" herself to die just because you put her in a facility for a few days to take care of yourself.
You've been in my thoughts and prayers since I replied to your previous post not too long ago and there you will remain. Please hang in there for your own sake!
So quit answering her calls and go out and have some fun!! Those 5 days are going to go by fast, so you best make the most of them.
You are supposed to be receiving five days' *respite.* Go away! Stop picking up the phone!
If you absolutely must: call your mother once a day for no more than five minutes, just to tell her you love her, that all is well, and that you will see her on [whatever day].
Your mom will be okay. She’s being looked after.
If your mom's physical needs are being met then step away, many of the problems we encountered had more to do with my expectations and the inevitable difficulties of mom and staff not knowing each other.
🤗🤗🤗
When you were small did your mom put you on “time out” when she needed a break?
If you are too exhausted and strung out to help your mom, nothing good will result. This exhaustion is what brought you to respite care in the first place. Your mom, in a younger and healthier state, would want you to be okay first. (Even if she wouldn’t admit that now, you will be able to do your best if you get a break).
Take a break so you can do your best. She will be very happy to see you when your break is over.
Please try to focus on your own needs in the brief respite window you are being offered. Do it for your mother's sake.
See All Answers