We have always told him that we would help take care of him as he got older, as he is a widower. He has Parkinsons, heart problems. He is mobile with walking sticks. He is super needy even tho he is capable of doing things himself. Hubby has a very stressful full time job and I work part-time from home. We are in our mid 50's and are empty nesters. I am freaking out! I'm enjoying our time with just us two, we raised our 3 kids, and I don't want our life to change. Pops has so much stuff that he refuses to part with, I don't know where we'd put it? He's mentioned that I should put my stuff in storage to accommodate his stuff. wth? I'm not physically or emotionally capable of taking care of him. How do we put our foot down without crushing him emotionally? I've had anxiety attacks stressing about it. Help!!!!!!
As hard as it might be to say no to FIL, once it is said, then what? And by the way,IMHO, it is your husband who needs to tell him.
He will understandably be anxious about what will happen now if he was planning on moving in with you and your husband. He has probably become more aware of what he can no longer do and it could be making him anxious, not knowing for sure where he will live when he is no longer able to care for himself.
Since FIL is very fond of his belongings, perhaps that can help you redirect him to a "place of his own" with help. Depending on his condition now, he may be able to manage in his own home with a little help for awhile yet. If you and husband plan for him to go into an AL you might want to check out the costs and size of the living area to see what he can realistically afford to pay for and have room for.
Then he can begin downsizing.
That will be hard for him. A caretaker who can assist him go through and reduce things might be a temporary solution for a few months or years.
Helping him set goals on the number of items he needs to reduce to will be something your husband can help him with. I'm sure AL have staff that can readily supply you with the guidelines.
Perhaps FIL has things that he would like to gift to his grandchildren? You might coach them to be receptive to that idea if that would help GP let things go.
As so often happens, a health event happens that requires FIL to go into the hospital and then for a rehab stay. That is a transition point many use to go into the NH or AL or even IL.
There are points in our lives when we have to let go. We all go through it to one degree or another. We survive it. He will too. The idea that you are very nervous about telling him no is a reflection of how much you care about his feelings. He is very lucky to have you in his life.
We worry about things like this and then when we finally take action, it is often much easier than all that we worried about. Any move is hard for an elder.
Like Sunnygirl1 said, you and your husband need to be on the same page. If one of you is ambiguous about whatever you decide on, it makes it harder for FIL.
Come back and let us know how things are going.
I'd discuss how it's just not feasible and distract him with positive discussions about finding him a place with things he likes and being firm, but, sensitive about it not working out in your home. His feelings may be hurt, but, if you do this against your own better judgment. It will likely be even more difficult after he moves in.
Of course, you could always say that your doctor advises against it, due to your anxiety and physical condition.
Taking care of someone may be done in various ways. It doesn't have to be under your own roof, imo.