As a young child I was asked to press my mother's feet. I say asked...but if I said no, or I dont really want to as I tried to say when a bit older, I was given the silent treatment and filthy looks from her, so I of course obliged, resentfully of course. This 'pressing feet' request (demand) went on throughout my childhood. Im 53 now and after getting married having 3 sons etc I of course haven't been pressing my mums feet. Although as she has gotten older, particularly since being diagnosed with Parkinson's, (4 yrs ago now) she just places her feet on my lap when I visit her and 'fairly' politely asks me to press her feet. I oblige. I visit her roughly every 2 wks now due to protecting my emotional health and putting in boundaries etc Yesterday she had the most sorrowful tone in her voice and asked if I was free first of all (shock horror- my boundaries might be working) , which I wasn't, I was fortunately on a coach to Leeds. I foolishly texted a few mins after the phonemail to say I could press her feet either today or tomorrow. I felt sorry for her. She replied "thanks." I regretted it almost immediately and last night I messaged to say I wouldn't be able to make it today or tomorrow, gave no explanation. She said 'dont worry'. I have really worked on myself and had 2 bouts of therapy in dealing with my mothers abuse over the many many yrs and I am doing really well. I am just wondering if her request to press her feet is different now as she does have Parkinson's disease and she is 82 now. When I hear 'can you press my feet?' it takes me right back to when I was a child etc and Im just wondering if its a manipulative ploy or is it now genuine? Appreciate any thoughts on this. Thank you!
I think I do get "it takes me right back to when I was a child". I have something different but similar... I fell into 'helping' but felt so uneasy. I listened to that feeling & now avoid that activity/trigger. I am so much better for it.
The wider issue that I am wondering about is an 80+yo lady, with a progressive condition that effects many aspects of functioning, especially mobility & cognition. Does Mother live alone? Looking forward, who is lined up to be her main daily caregiver?
I ask this, not to stir up worries about the future, but just to plant a small seed of thought that your Mother may need to look beyond you to support all her future needs.
My mum lives with my dad who is 87 and in better state than her. He takes her of her. I feel sorry for him but dont lend a listening ear anymore to his moans about my mum. I did that for years to each of them separately and was a councillor (took on that role that they shaped for me). Recently , say a year and a half ago, my dad came over with a furious look on his face (I know it well...was petrified of his age as a child) and wanted to 'unload' onto me. I put my boundary in place and said 'pls dont talk disrespectfully about my mum to me. I dont listen to her issues about you anymore and I'm not going too listen to yours anymore as it affects my emotional health and my relationship with each of you, see a councillor perhaps.' He wasnt best pleased but he backed off.
I do sometimes think the future but I'll do what I can and ensure I stay healthy emotionally. When its too much I will say no. Will be tricky if mum is left alone and my dad dies first as she's NEVER stayed a night alone in her house. How that has happened I really dont know but that's the facts. I imagine her 'visit mentality/manipulations' will increase, as they are now. Interestingly, my dad has more than once stated ...'I dont even think she has Parkinson's.'
Do it when you want to, don't do it when you're not in the mood to. "Guilt" shouldn't play into the equation, but we've been trained from an early age to ask 'how high' when these mothers yell JUMP. Right? That's another problem right there. Sigh. One that's never straightened out overnight, that's for sure!
Many things these mothers do bring us right back to our traumatic childhoods, unbeknownst to THEM! We're cringing and suffering while they're oblivious to all of it. Were we to bring it up to them, they'd deny every bit of it, too! "Trauma, whatever are you talking about anyway?" Right? Whenever I'd mention something about trauma to my mother, she'd act like I was the crazy one, that I'd made it all up, that she was the Innocent Party and I was The Crazy One. How do YOU spell Gaslighting?
Do what YOU feel comfortable doing, and let the rest go. That's my suggestion. Mother can hire people to 'press her feet' and that's the truth. Reminds me of my narcissistic ex hubby who 'needed' to have a 90 minute massage several times a week and so he'd hire a woman to come into our home, set up her table, and work on his back. Cuz buddy, I sure wasn't doing it! Then he'd take a hot bath 2x a day in addition to all these massages. And he didn't have PD either!
Best of luck setting down your own boundaries and being okay with doing so.
"Do it when you want to, don't do it when you're not in the mood to. "Guilt" shouldn't play into the equation, but we've been trained from an early age to ask 'how high'"
"We're cringing and suffering while they're oblivious to all of it. "
"they'd deny every bit of it, too! "
"setting down your own boundaries and being okay with doing so."
The above points you made are spot on spot on. So relatable, thanks for your thoughts. Yup, do it when I want to and NOT , when I dont want to, no justification needed, I sure as **** know why I dont want to. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I'm setting them for sure and I'm getting better and better at being ok with them.
SeekingTruth, if your mother has been diagnosed with PD, I would ask the treating physician about periodic home care for her feet. You could also contact PD support organizations and see if they have lists of people experienced with the effects of PD on feet, and the treatment might be free if it's prescribed by a doctor and her insurance would cover it.
There may be something about the massage done wrong that won't help her. You could say that due to the diagnosis, she needs an experienced massage person. But I don't know if this is true-every Parkinson's person is different.
Maybe she can learn to massage her own feet.
You can find someone to do it for her, and it is perfectly understandable why you will not do it. Keep your boundaries up! It does seem rude to just plop your feet onto someone's lap. You could make yourself ill by forcing yourself to do something against your will. Don't sit next to her on the couch.
Sorry you are suffering this. I think the recommendations are usually less contact.
But even if you stop 'pressing her feet', the emotional memories can follow you and be in your head. You know that it is not just about 'pressing her feet'?
It is something you can work on in therapy. Are you someone who helps people too much, to your own detriment?
Yes I know its not just about 'pressing her feet'. She is quite capable of getting paid help there. Thanks for that as remembering this stops me feeling guilty. They have plenty of money to pay for any help they choose now.
Secondly, you don't live in the same house anymore - and now are a 2 hour drive away.
It may feel comforting to her to have gentle pressure applied to her feet - perhaps a massage therapist could visit and massage feet and legs weekly, private pay, of course. Or a hired private pay CG for a couple of 4 hour visits weekly, to provide extra services such as foot and leg massage, applying lotion, etc. (not cutting or filing nails or calluses - that is podiatrist job).
You can choose to try to find another way for her to get this need met...or not. For me, if I can do a task like this one with some generosity in my heart, I give it a try. Lately, that generosity is absent.