Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Can’t walk at all. All day with no help. Both siblings feel this is ok. There are resources for a caretaker however they don’t feel it’s necessary. What can I do at this point?
This scenario is clearly not working. Perhaps the town's social worker needs to come in for an evaluation, since the sisters may be reluctant to believe your information that you may suggest.
Kitty06 You have gotte a wide range of responses, here. As I said in the earlier post; all the information is not in your post to make wise decision. I am sorry to see some have attacked you ( As you see some of us have people who don’t want to be intimately involved, yet want to control the situation, making our caregiving more stressful). I do not live in fear, and feel the need to be in total control. That being said I would take all the precautions to prevent a fire, and if she is truly bedridden she will not start one. I would not let an unlikely physical hazard override the emotional well-being of my mother not my siblings. As people have speculated it may be they want the money. I think there may be other reasons. Perhaps, they feel a responsibility to be the caregivers for her and they see her autonomy as a high priority for your mother. This is why I advised you all to talk. If there is tension between you and your sisters, agree on someone to be a facilitator, so everyone can be heard. With my parents, I have gone both extremes in some people’s minds, but my siblings are in agreement. That is why I suggested reading On Being Mortal. Each situation is unique, and you have to live with the decisions you make. As some have pointed out there are many critics along this path. I wish for you a path that brings peace to you and your family.
Thanks to all who responded. You all have great advice and I really appreciate it. I live over 5 hours away. I do go 2 times a week. I have a few health issues of my own so going anymore than that is difficult. But like I said I thank you all for your input and thoughts. I will try again to have that family meeting. Maybe this time it will make a difference.
You say "She is basically bedridden." and "Can’t walk at all." yet she is home "All day with no help." What does "basically" mean?
Does she have a bedside commode to use and can she get to it safely herself? If not, how can she go all day without using a bathroom? Is she wearing depends? If so, would someone leave a baby or toddler in soiled diapers all day? Good lord, think of what havoc that could do!!! What does she eat/drink all day and how does she get access to it? Others asked about bedsores - can she shift her position in bed to prevent this?
Personally I agree with you that this is not an ideal situation. You initially say "Both siblings feel this is ok.", but you also later say this is what your mother wants too (no one coming in.)
You are "told she has a phone." Who said this? Both sisters or sisters and mom or just mom? Is this a portable or wired? If it is portable, what happens if she drops it or the battery dies? If wired (especially if it is an cable/internet phone), service can get interrupted (includes the portable too) and unless the cable number is registered with emergency services, if she were unable to speak they would NOT be able to locate her! Medical emergencies can impede mom's ability to place a call for help.
If she is in bed all day, more than likely she naps or dozes off - smoke inhalation and even worse carbon monoxide can incapacitate quickly without waking you up! If she were left alone for quick trips, ok. All day? No. I presume this is the case because your sisters work. Are you currently also working? Can you or either of them provide any assistance by being there for at least some of the time?
Agreed that if someone is considered 'competent', there probably is not much that can be done. Bringing in APS, if they would even go, might bring about some nasty consequences. It might be better to explore any and all other options first. The question I would pose here: is she really competent?
One can seem to be very competent, even with earlier stages of dementia, but it does not mean that they can make appropriate decisions. Our mother was still living alone when dementia started. We were proactive as needed (take the car away, locked pill dispenser, took over finances, etc.) We then started with 3 days/week one hour visit from an aide, mainly as a check on her (we also had some cameras, but there were only two inside and could not see everything!) and to see that she took her medications. The intent was to keep her in her own home as long as possible. That was upped to 5 days/week, but this plan didn't last long when she (like your mother) didn't want them there and refused to let them in after a few months.
My brothers offered to take her in. Nope. She's fine. She's independent. She can cook. Right. Food going bad in fridge and freezer because she would only eat frozen dinners, cereal and packaged foods (basically crap!) THAT is not cooking. If you brought up AL, same response - fine, independent, cook. Add to that, she would NEVER live in one of those places (yet for years she went to the 'open houses' with free lunch to 'check them out'.) I brought up what would you do if you fell and could not get to the phone (portable was missing for a while, long enough that battery was dead.) Her response was that she doesn't go downstairs. I said I never mentioned the stairs mom, but WRONG ANSWER mom, we can see you DO go downstairs on the camera recordings! The dryer vent had not been cleaned in YEARS, so it was a fire waiting to happen! My brother replaced it all with better venting and found the phone while down there (where we NEVER go!) Her rationale about falling and needing help? I'll get help. Sure mom. Brain waves. Yelling when no one can hear you. Wave that magic wand. Whatever. You will NOT be able to get help. We started making plans to have her move.
Granted our mother was still mobile (she only recently started using a walker, and has had several tumbles in the year+ she's been in MC), but still.... Her hearing was bad and she often would forget to change the battery (no hearing in one ear, limited in the other.) How would she hear the alarms? She often couldn't even hear the phone!! One brother put in a flasher for the phone - she unplugged it.
So, literally days before the "move" didn't she injure her leg (couldn't tell anyone how when asked) and never sought care for it or even called one of us!! It festered for some days before my brother came up for the move. She ended up with cellulitis, which is a serious infection, even more so for someone her age!
For you Kitty06: *Make a list of dangers. *Consult with Fire Department about what concerns they might have in general for the elderly and add those to your list (you don't have to give them any details at this time.) *What are the living conditions - apartment, home, first or second floor or higher? Add those concerns to your list (even if FD gets a fire call, they do not know who is home or where in the home they might be! As awesome as the FD is, they do not have magical powers!!!) *Then have a family meeting (maybe with sisters first, to make them see some rationale in this.) - What are the contingency plans? - Are sisters (or you) close enough at work to at least do a lunchtime check? - Are there any other family members or friends/neighbors who could check in or sit with her for a while "just to chat." or see if she needs anything?
One option that might be doable - FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) should be available to anyone, since it is a federal act. This could allow up to 12 weeks of family leave. It is unpaid, HOWEVER, you say there is enough money to pay for outside help. You and they can draw up legal paperwork that would at least pay the 'going rate' for outside caregivers (this paperwork, done properly, would be needed later in the event Medicaid is needed.) I do not know if this is a once/year thing or if it can be used again later the same year, but with 3 of you, that would cover 36 weeks - still 16 weeks to cover, but vacations and holidays might help there. Just suggesting it as an option. It would allow you all to keep you jobs but care for mom.
One last thing - sure babies cannot make phone calls, but would ANYONE WHO IS SANE leave a baby in a crib all day, under the premise that they are bedridden and cannot get into trouble or mischief?
Disgustedtoo, Wow lost of info. Thank you. So I have some great news. Spoke to my siblings. We contacted her Dr. he has sent in to ins an order for home care and therapy. We had no idea he could do that. But the ins she has allows him to do this. Someone will be coming at least 4 times a week for 3-4 hours a day. We have found another care giver who can help out with extra hours when we need them. As for how things have improved, she didn’t want someone to help her but I pushed the issue and my siblings finally went along with it and that’s when we contacted her Dr. I think my sister with whom my mother lives realized she needs help with her care and my mother really needed the help too. So as of right now we will see what happens. I’m hoping for the best. Thank you😊
My first thought is why there is a disagreement on getting care for Mom? The answer is usually money. Someone doesn't want to pay out of their own pocket or diminish their future inheritance. Until this is recognized, you can't solve the problem
I'm glad that you have home health helping Mom. If this is being paid for by Medicare, please be aware that this is probably temporary help. However, if Mom is indigent, then you can probably get a home health aide on a continuing basis through Medicaid. Also, if Mom's a widow and Dad was a veteran, check out the VA for help.
Thanks JJ, yes I do think you were right about the inheritance. I also thought this was to be temporary help. We will see how it works out and go from there. We applied for Medicaid not to long ago. My sibling who was in charge of that said she has a letter stating she has a case worker but as far as I know nothing has come if it. Hopefully all things work out. Thank you for your input.
It's ALWAYS so nice to hear back from the original poster with positive improvements or good endings. In your case, it's positive improvements. I hope your dad will be approved for Medicaid. So, get back to us with the good ending. : )
We love good endings because they are so few and far between for a lot of us.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You have gotte a wide range of responses, here. As I said in the earlier post; all the information is not in your post to make wise decision. I am sorry to see some have attacked you ( As you see some of us have people who don’t want to be intimately involved, yet want to control the situation, making our caregiving more stressful). I do not live in fear, and feel the need to be in total control. That being said I would take all the precautions to prevent a fire, and if she is truly bedridden she will not start one. I would not let an unlikely physical hazard override the emotional well-being of my mother not my siblings. As people have speculated it may be they want the money. I think there may be other reasons. Perhaps, they feel a responsibility to be the caregivers for her and they see her autonomy as a high priority for your mother. This is why I advised you all to talk. If there is tension between you and your sisters, agree on someone to be a facilitator, so everyone can be heard. With my parents, I have gone both extremes in some people’s minds, but my siblings are in agreement. That is why I suggested reading On Being Mortal. Each situation is unique, and you have to live with the decisions you make. As some have pointed out there are many critics along this path. I wish for you a path that brings peace to you and your family.
You say "She is basically bedridden." and "Can’t walk at all." yet she is home "All day with no help." What does "basically" mean?
Does she have a bedside commode to use and can she get to it safely herself? If not, how can she go all day without using a bathroom? Is she wearing depends? If so, would someone leave a baby or toddler in soiled diapers all day? Good lord, think of what havoc that could do!!! What does she eat/drink all day and how does she get access to it? Others asked about bedsores - can she shift her position in bed to prevent this?
Personally I agree with you that this is not an ideal situation. You initially say "Both siblings feel this is ok.", but you also later say this is what your mother wants too (no one coming in.)
You are "told she has a phone." Who said this? Both sisters or sisters and mom or just mom? Is this a portable or wired? If it is portable, what happens if she drops it or the battery dies? If wired (especially if it is an cable/internet phone), service can get interrupted (includes the portable too) and unless the cable number is registered with emergency services, if she were unable to speak they would NOT be able to locate her! Medical emergencies can impede mom's ability to place a call for help.
If she is in bed all day, more than likely she naps or dozes off - smoke inhalation and even worse carbon monoxide can incapacitate quickly without waking you up! If she were left alone for quick trips, ok. All day? No. I presume this is the case because your sisters work. Are you currently also working? Can you or either of them provide any assistance by being there for at least some of the time?
Agreed that if someone is considered 'competent', there probably is not much that can be done. Bringing in APS, if they would even go, might bring about some nasty consequences. It might be better to explore any and all other options first. The question I would pose here: is she really competent?
One can seem to be very competent, even with earlier stages of dementia, but it does not mean that they can make appropriate decisions. Our mother was still living alone when dementia started. We were proactive as needed (take the car away, locked pill dispenser, took over finances, etc.) We then started with 3 days/week one hour visit from an aide, mainly as a check on her (we also had some cameras, but there were only two inside and could not see everything!) and to see that she took her medications. The intent was to keep her in her own home as long as possible. That was upped to 5 days/week, but this plan didn't last long when she (like your mother) didn't want them there and refused to let them in after a few months.
My brothers offered to take her in. Nope. She's fine. She's independent. She can cook. Right. Food going bad in fridge and freezer because she would only eat frozen dinners, cereal and packaged foods (basically crap!) THAT is not cooking. If you brought up AL, same response - fine, independent, cook. Add to that, she would NEVER live in one of those places (yet for years she went to the 'open houses' with free lunch to 'check them out'.) I brought up what would you do if you fell and could not get to the phone (portable was missing for a while, long enough that battery was dead.) Her response was that she doesn't go downstairs. I said I never mentioned the stairs mom, but WRONG ANSWER mom, we can see you DO go downstairs on the camera recordings! The dryer vent had not been cleaned in YEARS, so it was a fire waiting to happen! My brother replaced it all with better venting and found the phone while down there (where we NEVER go!) Her rationale about falling and needing help? I'll get help. Sure mom. Brain waves. Yelling when no one can hear you. Wave that magic wand. Whatever. You will NOT be able to get help. We started making plans to have her move.
Granted our mother was still mobile (she only recently started using a walker, and has had several tumbles in the year+ she's been in MC), but still.... Her hearing was bad and she often would forget to change the battery (no hearing in one ear, limited in the other.) How would she hear the alarms? She often couldn't even hear the phone!! One brother put in a flasher for the phone - she unplugged it.
So, literally days before the "move" didn't she injure her leg (couldn't tell anyone how when asked) and never sought care for it or even called one of us!! It festered for some days before my brother came up for the move. She ended up with cellulitis, which is a serious infection, even more so for someone her age!
For you Kitty06:
*Make a list of dangers.
*Consult with Fire Department about what concerns they might have in general for the elderly and add those to your list (you don't have to give them any details at this time.)
*What are the living conditions - apartment, home, first or second floor or higher? Add those concerns to your list (even if FD gets a fire call, they do not know who is home or where in the home they might be! As awesome as the FD is, they do not have magical powers!!!)
*Then have a family meeting (maybe with sisters first, to make them see some rationale in this.)
- What are the contingency plans?
- Are sisters (or you) close enough at work to at least do a lunchtime check?
- Are there any other family members or friends/neighbors who could check in or sit with her for a while "just to chat." or see if she needs anything?
One option that might be doable - FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) should be available to anyone, since it is a federal act. This could allow up to 12 weeks of family leave. It is unpaid, HOWEVER, you say there is enough money to pay for outside help. You and they can draw up legal paperwork that would at least pay the 'going rate' for outside caregivers (this paperwork, done properly, would be needed later in the event Medicaid is needed.) I do not know if this is a once/year thing or if it can be used again later the same year, but with 3 of you, that would cover 36 weeks - still 16 weeks to cover, but vacations and holidays might help there. Just suggesting it as an option. It would allow you all to keep you jobs but care for mom.
One last thing - sure babies cannot make phone calls, but would ANYONE WHO IS SANE leave a baby in a crib all day, under the premise that they are bedridden and cannot get into trouble or mischief?
I'm glad that you have home health helping Mom. If this is being paid for by Medicare, please be aware that this is probably temporary help. However, if Mom is indigent, then you can probably get a home health aide on a continuing basis through Medicaid. Also, if Mom's a widow and Dad was a veteran, check out the VA for help.
We love good endings because they are so few and far between for a lot of us.