My mom has lived with me since 2005. My dad is deceased since 2002.
She has my name on her checking account so I can purchase her medication and other items needed.
She has a small savings account that she has her name and younger brother‘s name on. She also has him named as executor of her will. The will needs to be updated. She has a deceased brother’s name on it and so forth.
She is 93, Parkinson’s disease and has really slowed down. I have been telling her that she may need to go into a facility, either assisted living or nursing home at some point. I have explained that if funds are needed for the assisted living facility she needs to free up funds for her care. I do not trust my brother to release funds. He has never been responsible with money.
My brothers think as long as I am doing all of the caregiving that everything is fine as is. No matter how much I have tried to explain situations, they are clueless and basically uninvolved in her care or even just visiting her.
I think the message is finally starting to sink in with mom and she recently told me she wished to remove my brother’s name off of saving account and placing in my name because I have medical power of attorney for her. She also wants him removed as executor because she has realized he isn’t responsible or capable of handling the tasks that will be involved. He will just ask my older brother to help him. He doesn’t even know how to file his taxes. My husband has done it for him for years. I am the primary, full time caregiver in my home.
She also wants to update her will and leave some to my brothers and leave the bulk to me to handle necessary expenses, her burial in family plot and so forth.
She doesn’t get much social security. I will need veteran assistance if she goes into assisted living. If not she may end up in nursing home.
Do I discuss any of this with my brothers or just keep it between mom and me? Do you feel WW111 will break out if they aren’t told? What if she suggest telling them? I fear that. She loves them. They are her sons. She is disappointed in them at times and has made excuses for them as well, nevertheless loves them.
Do I need a lawyer for these answers or can anyone here help? Would appreciate views on online site Legal Zoom. Has anyone used it? Need a living will for mom too.
Appreciate any advice. Thanks a million!
I think the concept of “legal” competence may vary from state to state, but I also think that if you initiate a change in her will without some proof that she is mentally competent to carry out the change, the legal POA could challenge it.
If there is evidence of altered thinking, you will have to have some determination based on objective criteria.
Hoping everything works out to your mom’s advantage.
We don’t have a POA. I only have medical power of attorney. My mom’s doctor told me that I should get POA too. I guess I should. Trying to tie up loose ends so mom can relax.
I am planning to look into getting assessment for her.
You answered my questions perfectly. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and share your experiences. I appreciate it.
My husband's mother had comparable issues, wanting to leave the bulk of her funds to the three sons and not to a very difficult daughter. Her lawyer suggested that she disbursed the money as gifts to the sons, and then left the remainder in equal shares, which she did with no issues. DH and I were quite clear that if she had ran out of funds for care, we would be returning money to her. My first MIL also had comparable issues regarding a second wife and her sons, and she saw her lawyer separately.
I think it would be a good idea to make a list for the lawyer of the issues you have talked through with mother, and also ask him or her for a confirmatory letter about the process - in particular that your mother was legally competent, that she was interviewed alone and was clear about her wishes, and that the lawyer saw no signs of undue pressure on her. Don't do it by email - they get deleted. Take a photo copy of everything. You don't want to lose the records in case of future issues. This really is something to do with a lawyer, because of the possible problems down the track. The living will may be something you can do on a local form, but not the estate will. I'm a lawyer, but not in your jurisdiction, and this is the advice I would give (and also the advice we followed ourselves with DH's mother and my own MIL).
My mom won’t do anything alone anymore. She can’t hear well. Even with hearing aid. She does read my lips some. I hate having to shout all day! It wears me out. I try to write things down sometimes. I even thought of maybe making signs so I won’t have to keep writing the same thing. She gets upset sometimes if I write because she thinks it is more personal to speak and I agree but I get so very tired repeating and screaming.
At first when she asked me to go into doctor’s office I felt like I would be intruding on her privacy and said no, that I wasn’t comfortable with it. That’s when she said, “I need you to be my ears and there is nothing that you can’t hear.” So I joined her in office instead of staying in waiting room.
She has trouble if people speak fast fast or turn away. She tries to read lips.
Maybe I could request something to be typed up for her to read in large print.
She has her sound mind. So now is the time to do it.
I appreciate your advice. Very helpful.
It is a difficult disease. Mom is already 93. Five years is what I have heard for the look back. Has me concerned.
That concerns me too. He is her son. She loves him dearly even though she gets hurt from him not visiting her. I have asked both brothers who live here to please visit and call more frequently. I agree, cwille. Even if she chooses not to tell him during the process, she can tell him shortly afterwards with the explanation that she feels I am better suited. Sadly, he isn’t involved in her life. I wish my brothers were closer. But I can’t force them. They never were. She has complained to me about that for years. Long before she lived with me.
The brother in DC does call and visit some. He has money galore but does not offer financial help. So be it. His money. He’s an investment banker. I don’t ask personal questions about their money. A lot of his funds are invested in property.
I hate to be blunt, but will there be any real assts left when she passes? A small income and ongoing expenses along with funeral expenses and final medical bills will wipe it all out. Ditto for having her live in a nursing home of A.L.
If he wants to take care of you, have a formal arrangement for her to pay rent while she lives with you. The Attorney can draw this up.
Thanks for info. I am not expecting money left. My mom has a tender heart with her sons. She would like to leave them something.
That generation was a bit sexist and thought a man should be in charge! Plus she wants him to feel she recognizes him.
She did understand however, when the doctor said it was the primary caregiver that should be her medical power of attorney. Women do ‘service’ kind of thing. Very old fashioned. She’s 93!
He’s not involved in anything. Too busy living his life.
Mom doesn’t pay rent. She pays for her meds and personal items though.
So sorry your mom was turned down. All I can do is try.
When it comes to slitting moms assets, she doesn't need to leave you more to cover her funeral and bills. Its an Executors job to make sure that before inheritance are distributed that the funeral arrangements are paid and any outstanding bills. Then what is left is split between the beneficiaries. You need to see a lawyer to get this all set up legally.
That’s all I want, burial cost. I hope my brothers don’t go wracking up bills for fancy toys thinking a few dollars will be thrown their way. Mom does want to leave them some. It’s her money. She can choose that. One brother already went bankrupt twice.
I personally think it should go towards her care. Brothers will feel like I am abandoning mom. I do need a break sometimes! Once, a few years back I wanted to see a particular plantation home, just a simple day trip and my brother texted the whole time as to when I was returning. When I returned his text to say when, he left before I even got home. Suppose my mother would have fallen. I was so upset with him.
Thanks JoAnn, your responses are always helpful.
If you love and respect your family, I would tell them.
Unfortunately. my brothers are not responsible individuals. Never have been. I’ve always been the kid closest to my parents. I wanted a close relationship with my brothers but it isn’t possible with selfish people. Sad.
Has nothing to do with love and respect. I want this to be as stress free as possible. I have been on overload for quite some time. Long before mom lived with me, I took care of mom and dad, while raising my own kids. Has been a long, exhausting, difficult road.
I certainly don’t want to add to my mom’s stress. She has enough on her plate as well. Parkinson’s is a tough disease. I have one brother, that happens to be the executor who lives minutes away and never, ever visits but let him spend too much money on music equipment and other unnecessary stuff and he eats at my house because he’s broke! My mom said she knew he wasn’t capable of doing things but wanted to make him feel important and not left out. Not smart but it is her way of feeling like she is showing love.
I know about love and respect but sadly my brothers don’t.
Unfortunately, I don’t see any close relationship with my brothers after my mother’s death. For years I hosted big holiday dinners for everyone but stopped and now only do my immediate family and mom. I have enough to do! They have always done their own thing unless it was a holiday meal or needed something.