He is very unsteady on his feet. He fell in the bathroom the day he came home and we had to call EMS to get him up. He needs to see his primary doctor within the next two weeks. I’m just not sure how I can transport him there and back safely. We barely could get him in and out of the car when we picked him up from rehab. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him there?
Empathy is draining away from your burnt out shell. Will there be anything left when the real grieving time arrives?
'Caregiver fatigue' is what My Doctor called it.
Edit: Actually caregiver fatigue was 'burnout'.
'Compassion Fatigue' was the other term. I think it describes it well.
Yep, you are going to need to let mom drive the bus into the ditch.
Sad, but it will be her choices that determine her future.
Of course it depends on whether your dad is physically safe in your home until he gets stronger. I am sure he is bigger and heavier than my 5 foot 140 pound mom — who will now be going to an ALF/memory care facility. But she’ll go in walking and without the catheter.
Wishing you good luck, strength and patience on this journey.
Call his doctor and ask about video dr appt. Ask about in-home physical and occupational therapy (legs and arms) to get him built up a little. You can ask PT and OT to help him work with a walker. If dr insists on seeing him in person to set these things up, then call a medical (non-emergency) transport to get him there.
My mother finally said last week that my father should be in a. facility and I said I agreed and told her she needed to go to an elder care attorney to find out the best way to finance this since they do not have Medicaid. She seemed receptive. The next morning when I brought it up again she said "it is what it is." I flipped out and told her that one daughter is getting burned out, one daughter is doing absolutely nothing, and I who live 3,000 miles away and already devote 6 months a year of my life to this fiasco refuse to do more. She got mad at me.
I have decided to give my mother the steering wheel to the bus she so badly wants to drive. I am leaving to go home on Thursday and won't be back until January. Feel bad that I am leaving my sisters in the lurch over the Holidays but Imy husband and I are going home to have Christmas with our daughter and grandchildren and then on a family vacation for one week. I don't think I'm even going to get a wifi package on the ship so I will be totally off the grid. As my mother would say "It is what it is."
We have two aides one in the morning and one in the late afternoon/early evening but this is a house of cards. I am hoping they will stay until the situation finally changes. My mother has always been a very difficult person and can be extremely nasty and can really take you down with her tongue. She made one of the aides cry recently and I just felt so bad about that. It was not deserved. I am afraid she will leave.
I've been through some lousy times in my life but this has got everything else beat. This can't end soon enough. I don't think I will have it in me to even grieve when it's over.
My mom too came home from rehab very unsteady. It was a challenge getting her into my van to bring her home and in trying to get her to her primary care doctor the next day—she very nearly fell! And would have if our neighbor had not heard the commotion and came to help.
Anyway—mom’s primary immediately ordered home health care—physical therapy and a nurse. This went on for 2 months and mom is walking well with her walker!
Ask the primary to order home PT.
As to how to safely get your dad to the primary appointment, ask the primary care doc. They should know what’s available and possibly even come to the house for you.
I bet your dad will continue to improve with in-home PT.
Ask PCP re advice going forward re in home falls and transfer/ transport.
And/ or there are home care services who will schedule transport to and from appointments, with appropriate qualified attendant. Ask PCP about these .
Is this rehab time and he is expecting to bounce back ? Or does he perhaps have illness advancing that may require another level of care? ( I. E. Facility based rehab?? Hospice??? other home health care services???
Medical transport services are expensive, but they would be a safer way to manage an in-person doctor visit if a video or phone appt is not available. Some appts need to be in person for the doctor to make a necessary evaluation.
Through his primary we set up Home Health for speech, OT & PT each week to build up his strength.
Hauling someone with high falls risk & poor mobility across town needs to be worth it imho. Not if only a 5 min chat & BP check.
For appointments in person, I second wheelchair transport. You can meet him there. Ensure he or you take whatever walking aide he uses if he needs to walk at all once there.
Moving on....I agree with many posters that you need to stop propping them up so much. They are not nearly as independent as they think they are. Your family deserves more time for other pursuits instead of helping mom and dad think they're doing so well "on their own". It has been a gift for them to be at home until their mid 90s.
To your question - the only safe way to transport him is a wheelchair service. Meet him at the doctor's office but do not attempt to drive him anywhere.
Best of luck.
If Dad winds up in Rehab again have him evaluated for 24/7 care. If a SNF is attached you can have him transferred over to the SNF. You then see an elder lawyer about splitting ur parents assets. Dads split will be spent down and when almost gone Medicaid applied for. Mom stays in the home, gets enough of monthly income to live on and a car.
There are options.
I have to say I gave a lot of similar tough love advice to other posters. I see now it’s very different when it’s your own family. This is very hard, and as I said in the past I wish this slog was over already.
Telling my mom "I can't do this anymore" is the single hardest thing I've ever done.
It is way past time for you (and maybe your sisters will join you in this) to say "No, mom, I can't possibly do this any more. I am a senior too. You'll have to make other arrangements."
You've been living there for a MONTH and you feel guilty because you had Thanksgiving dinner with a good friend? Puleese.
You really need to realize that you feel GRIEF that your parents are declining and not GUILT that you haven't prevented that from happening.
I had an aunt to finally had to place uncle. She always thought he'd die if placed. Well, she died of a heart attack shortly after placement. He lived, happy as a clam in a good AL for several more years.
I've just heard similar unfold.. one person 'placed' & the person the main care burden had fallen on then collapsed.
Another idea is that if the PCP is affiliated with a major hospital system, there could be transport available through the hospital system. Same would likely apply as what I wrote above in terms of the driver will not come inside, etc.
I'm concerned that your dad was discharged from the facility in such condition that you could barely get him in the car. I had this done to me by a facility as well. My loved one was discharged home and was nowhere near ready to be home. The "home care plan" had looked good on paper, but turned out to have more holes than a sponge. LO is a permanent nursing home resident now, but it was no small task getting her there. Lots of falls while at home, protests by family members that facility care was not needed, etc.
If he and you insist, medical transport, if you can at least get him to the front door, and have senior transport in your area, that could be an option as well.
Hothouse, I got into the habit of thinking had about what medical folks asked me to do for mom.
One pulmonologist, in his office said to me " you could pop your mom across the street for a chest scan..."
I looked at my frail 92 yo mom, my own arthritic self, mom's wheelchair and the 6 lane highway we would need to "pop" across (mom had come to this appointment in medical transport).
I just looked at the doctor. He said "or I could order an in-house chest xray be done at the nursing home, right?".
Yes, doc.
Start standing up for yourself.
Let them practice their independence and you practice yours. Say "I can't possibly do that" the next time there is a fall, an illness or a dire need.
If they are of sound mind, they will see that they are only independent with your help.
It sounds as though when rehab was ready to release dad, you should have allowed him and mom to figure out how to get him home and not picked him up. He may have needed to become a LTC resident.
It is fine to provide some scaffolding to our parents as they age. It's NOT okay to lose your own life while doing that.