She's not on any medication for her condition. He buys her new undies when she's incontinent. Feeds her hamburgers and sweets. When should my sister and I maybe call Adult protective services to see if they can help? He's become secretive about health, falls, illnesses.
He bullies us away.
Please help
Please call APS in your community immediately.
That doesn't include burgers and sweets (unless she is diabetic and said sweets place her in danger). It also doesn't include methods of dealing with incontinence unless the home is in a very bad and dangerous condition due to lack of hygiene.
Sure wish you good luck.
There is no reason not to call APS for a wellness check. Tell them all the information you can and I would stress DANGER, not whether or not she enjoys a burger. They will check the living situation and let you know what they find.
If I was Mom & couldn't self-care & my husband couldn't care for me.. If I could use reason, I'd want my kids to blow a whistle & get me some help.
If I was Dad & looking after my spouse with dementia, maybe little idea on that, can't cope, have always used alcohol to cope with life anyway, I may not recognise I need help - but may need help too.
They may wish to fight against old age themselves, in their private way.
It is a moral dilemma to let people have the 'right to rot' (as my Doctor put it).
Do you let them do that, or make the call? Is being together better than healthier but apart?
Is he your mother's PoA? Is anyone? Does your mother have an actual medical diagnosis of dementia in her records?
What kind of solution are you imagining? Are you willing to take her into your home and provide 24/7 care until another permanent solution is found? Can you afford this? Will your father come roaring over to your home and cause problems?
If you can take her in, then maybe consider going over there with another person (or two) who can distract him in another place in the house while someone else discretely starts packing some of her clothes and necessities. Then if a moment presents itself, she can be escorted out a different door and into a waiting car and can be told a "therapeutic fib" that she's being take out for a lunch date (or whatever story will keep her calm). After that will be the fallout from your father discovering what's happened.
My cousins had to do something similar to this trying to rescue their 90-yr old mother from her abusive and neglectful husband (their father). He went on a tear afterwards and fell at the bank (because $$ was his one true love), got a head injury and never regained consciousness. Ah, poetic justice...
I wish you much clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart!
Do it now.
Because of the distance from your parents’ house, you can’t provide much hands-on help. What ‘help’ are you trying to provide, that upsets them both? Telling them what they are doing wrong clearly isn’t working well. Are you trying to get them (or either of them) to move to a facility? Have you checked it out in any detail – such as affordability? Have you discussed it with them?
Some more information would help to give you useful answers, and some type of independent view of their situation could be a good idea. What do their neighbors say? Are there other relatives you could talk to?
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