My Aunt is 75 is single and never had children. She has always loved me very much. The issue now is that she wants to move to her country and rent her apartment she has in the US. She told me over the phone “ I'm renting my apartment and will stay in my friends house for a month and then go stay at your house for a few months. So her plan is to stay at different people’s houses when she comes to the United States. I don’t have a problem if she comes to visit but I don’t want her to stay for months in my house. I live with my husband and 6 year old daughter and love my privacy very much. How do I tell her without ruining our relationship or hurting her feelings? She keeps saying that she is worried about her future because she doesn’t have any children to take care of her when she is older.
Simply tell her that it is not possible for her to come for an extended stay. Full stop, no additional explanation needed.
You could tell her you are happy to look into long stay accommodations nearby, but you do not owe her or anyone an explanation as to why you do not want them to stay with you.
I would be very hesitant to have her stay with you at all, given her situation and desire to become a permanent fixture in your young family's life.
Make it known now, in no uncertain terms, that YOU are not going to be her future caregiver and that she needs to make arrangements in a senior living residence with a continuum of care. It's very presumptuous of her to expect to move in with you for months on end, uninvited, and to be taken care of by you in her declining years!
Good luck!
Absolutely. Dominican Republic was mentioned, as well as her sisters living with their daughters. She is likely imposing herself on OP because of their good relationship. That does NOT mean there is any obligation! If she can rent her place, she can pay for a place to stay. For the future, when she maybe needs more help (she sounds quite capable at the moment and isn't that old yet!), get brochures for IL places that also have AL associated with them and hand them to her. No words need to be said, just hand her the info.
"Good or bad, that is not an American tradition. It's kind of every man for himself, with a little help from loved ones."
It may be "tradition" now, but it wasn't until more recently. Times have changed, so it isn't quite as common as it was in the past. My parents and mom's sisters took turns having my grandmother live with them when it wasn't safe for her to remain on her own anymore. She didn't have dementia, but she needed oversight. It wasn't difficult having her there, and it was only for a few months at a time. A bed to sleep in, some good food and family. However she was NOT as capable as this woman sounds. Big NO.
If she wants to move to another country at 75, then help her find a place there which is for senior citizens and who can also provide caregiving services should they become necessary.
Then speak to her kindly but plainly. Let her know that she will not be living with you and you cannot and will not become her caregiver should she need one. Does she have family in her country? It might be worth having a talk with them too about your refusal to take her in.
I know you don't want people to think you're harsh and very likely family in her country will think so, but they have no idea. Let them think it, but don't fall into the designated caregiver trap.
So Auntie is going to rent her place out and make money but expects to be fed and housed for free at other people's homes. And she expects you to be her chaffer and personal assistant. How nice!
You should risk ruining your relationship with Auntie Taker, or she'll ruin your life and your marriage. Definitely a risk worth taking.
Decide in your mind what you are willing to help with, and offer that and not more, but draw a hard line that she can't cross.
Perhaps, you can offer to pay for a few days at a local hotel so she can visit with you and spend part of the days, but she goes back to the hotel and you go back to your house. You can also offer to help find a place for her to live which she can pay with the rent she collects from her rental in the US.
You care for your aunt but feel awful about having to tell her that she can’t stay.
I wouldn’t even invite her to stay for a short period of time because you know that she wishes to have an extended stay with you and she may be hard to get rid of. I am not even sure if I would have her over for dinner. Take her out to dinner.
My oldest brother could be a drifter at times in his life.
My mom never had an issue about having him return to our childhood home.
My brother took advantage of the situation.
In my opinion, he wore out his welcome. I felt that it wasn’t my place to interfere but all she did was enable him.
Once my brother asked me to live in my home for awhile. I already had my mom living here.
My brother was an addict. I didn’t have a choice but to grow up in that environment but there was no way that I was going to allow my daughters to be exposed to his lifestyle.
I loved him as my brother. I tried to help him. He refused going into rehab. I taught my children to love and care about others but to know that they are responsible for themselves.
How well do you know your aunt? People have secrets. She may be sick and not even telling you and she may expect you to be her caregiver.
I told my mom and my brother (deceased since 2013) that he could never live with me.
It can work the other way around too.
We have gone on vacation and friends or family insist that we stay with them, which I don’t like to do.
Occasionally, I have stayed in a person’s home for a night or two to appease others but I tell them in advance that I have a hotel booked for the remainder of the time.
I prefer a hotel experience to come and go as I like. I want room service. I want a vacation!
I would go with this advice too. She's already made her intentions known. You open the door a crack and wham! It's fully open. Not even one night... One night becomes two, three and so on.
It is difficult for two reasons: past relationship and country of upbringing. However, these are HER expectations, not yours. You are NOT obligated to take her in.
Flat out honesty finally worked. We are going on our family holiday. Just us 4.
The Aunt may be just putting out feelers in order to plan.
Use kind words but leave no wiggle room. "Love to see you but staying here is not possible". Or maybe "staying 2 nights would be great, but I cannot offer longer". Whatever will work for your family.
See All Answers